The Vampire Diaries: Ghost World (Season 3, Episode 7)

Jeremy, why do you date supernatural creatures? Gross!

Damon wakes up chained to a chair, with a poker in his chest. He thinks it is Stefan, but we see the ghost of Mason staring him down. Stefan finds Damon and is amused, but insists that he didn’t do this “pretty messed up” act. (Stefan’s comment is reminiscent of Katherine calling Gloria “creepy.”) Stefan pulls out the poker and takes off one of the chains, but he leaves him be otherwise. The apparently invisible Mason’s expression reads, “These brothers have a VERY complicated relationship.” He tortures Damon with sunlight. Stefan either doesn’t hear or care about his brother’s cries of pain.

Head of the history department (a dreaded Fell) follows the mayor’s prelude about Mystic Falls’ rich history. Alaric is forcing Jeremy to share his boredom, or he will fail him. Invisible ghost Anna makes fun of this version of history. She and Jeremy hold hands as he smiles but looks around warily. Elsewhere at the event, Bonnie tells Caroline that Jeremy still has a direct connection to Anna and the other side as long as he wants to. Damon shows up and lets Bonnie know that the ghost of Mason has been avenging himself: “When I kill someone, they’re supposed to stay dead.” Matt observes.

Elena wants Jeremy to try to contact Lexi to get Stefan back to normal. Jeremy says contacting ghosts is more complicated than that. Alaric points out that contacting ghosts could be a mistake. He points out that they supposedly can’t interact with the living, but Vicki blew up his car. When did Alaric get so funny? Bonnie interrogates poor Matt, hoping that Vicki is the only one with a foothold in this world. There is a bit of lingering tension between Matt, Bonnie, and Caroline, his ex-girlfriend. Suddenly Bonnie’s grimoire opens to a page describing to how to make ghosts tangible.

Anna tells Jeremy that some supernatural beings, possibly including Lexi, find peace. Elena is startled by the revelation that Anna is there, but Anna tells Jeremy to lie that she isn’t. Alaric wants Elena to drop it; he notes that he doesn’t want to think about all the ghost vampires watching over them, hehe. Stefan stops by, repeating that he has to protect Elena, he doesn’t care anymore, and they need to move on. He also makes a joke about eating all the people at a gathering tonight. Elena is horrified, but Stefan says he’s kidding. Alaric’s unsurprised face just says, “I hate vampires.”

Anna, I know when I was with you, I loved someone else who was dead. But now that you're dead, and I'm with someone else, I love you!

Bonnie takes Caroline to the place where Jeremy was brought back to life. It’s cute that Caroline, a vampire, is spooked by the idea of ghost-witches. Bonnie gets into the witch zone and Caroline looks warily at the blowing cobwebs, heh. Caroline is scared of Bonnie’s magic (has she never seen her do this before? I guess she always has been disbelieving) and suddenly—Grams appears! Awesome. Is this the episode where we get to see every character who died?

Jeremy is suspicious of Anna. She swears that he needs to trust her. Is she untrustworthy or just lonely? In spite of his reluctance, he “cheats” on Bonnie by kissing the air—I mean, Anna. Elena walks into the bathroom and sees Jeremy and Anna making out. Outside, Stefan walks along and spots Lexi. Damon approaches Alaric at the bar (their place), and Alaric protests that Damon has problems, the two of them aren’t friends, and he doesn’t like Damon anymore. But Damon reminds him that they conspired to successfully kill Mason Lockwood. Mason then appears. He takes a swig of whisky and breaks the glass over Damon’s head.

I love you Lexi. Stefan is confused as to why his dead friend is here, and he tells her that he doesn’t want her help. Lexi says that’s what he always says and smacks his head against the car. No one notices. In the creepy house, Bonnie cries as Miss Sheila explains that the original witch, I assume, cracked open the door to the other side when Bonnie sent Vicki back. Witches make the rules and talk with one another. Now it is Bonnie’s duty to set things right. Her grandmother does not, however, want her to get mixed up with original vampires. Oops.

Caroline updates Elena who scolds Jeremy for kissing Anna. Elena’s necklace apparently needs to be destroyed. Lexi interrupts Elena’s mission and tells her to follow her for a ripper detox lesson. She takes Elena to a chained up Stefan. Lexi uses some sort of ghost magic (?) to speed up the process of starving a vampire. Stefan starves, but he looks fine. Elena phones Caroline, asking to hold off on sending the ghosts back. Caroline lets it slip that they will all deal with their boyfriend problems later. She admits to Bonnie that Anna kissed Jeremy. The two ladies are determined to send that bitch back. Why do I find their almost wicked determination vaguely amusing?

Elena, you have serious problems, says the fellow who rips people's heads off.

Alert hilarious scene of awesomeness: Mason drinks on either Damon’s or Alaric’s tab and demands an apology. Damon tells Alaric to go to the back of the revenge-against-Damon line. Alaric laughs and urges Damon to apologize. Mason accepts Damon’s difficultly wrought almost-apology. Mason wants to help Tyler, but Damon says no one can help him while Klaus is alive which is, “like, always.” Mason says that there is a weapon that can kill Klaus. Mason leads Damon into a Lockwood cellar/cave and says that there is a legendary weapon that can kill Klaus. Newsflash: you know how the ladies love Stefan, no matter how he treats them? The men Damon’s murdered are exactly the same with Damon.

Jeremy searches for Anna and bumps into that a-hole vampire Frederick. Are you kidding me, the tomb vamps are here? Alaric gives a little speech, and the crowd looks up to see that very Fell bloodied, dead, and tied to a tree. Frederick smiles at Anna. Nearby, Stefan pleads for Elena’s help and says he loves her. When Elena says she is helping him, he says he wishes he never met her and every moment together was a waste. Lexi says not to pay any attention to him. She then starts to stab him to make him see past the blood and feel something. Elena can’t deal with it and runs outside.

Caroline and Bonnie unsuccessfully search for the necklace. Jeremy calls. Caroline says she thinks Anna took the necklace. Jeremy says he believes Anna didn’t, so she calls him an idiot and says he might lose everything (harsh even according to Bonnie, based on her expression). Jeremy looks around; Anna has gone. He tells Elena that he loves Anna, he’s always loved Anna. Elena says that his love isn’t real because Anna is a ghost. She sees Anna and says that she is holding Jeremy back and she knows it. Anna holds up the necklace. Elena is ready to take care of business. Elena is right (if hypocritical), but this scene is so sad.

Mason knows that Damon will do anything for his brother. He leads him deeper into the cave. Then, stakes fly into Damon from every direction. Poor baby! Suddenly I like Mason a lot more. He helps a completely incredulous Damon and tells him that he doesn’t need revenge. The loneliness and regret on the other side shows him that what he needs is redemption. He wants to help Tyler. Damon can’t continue any further because he’s not invited into this part of the cave. Hm. He has to trust Mason. Trust, as we all know, is not Damon’s forte.

Anna has never lied to me before, so, yes, I believe her!

Caroline and Bonnie are on their way home when Caroline somehow recognizes Frederick. Or perhaps she just connects the dots. Mrs. Lockwood’s car is on the wayside. She steps out and heads towards Frederick after ordering Bonnie to go home and send the ghosts back. Anna tells Jeremy that she stole the necklace partly in hopes of finding her mother. She fears that there is no peace. Jeremy says that he believes there is and he won’t let her be alone. Heartbreaking!

Some version of This Woman’s Work plays as Bonnie and her grandmother say a spell. Jeremy returns the necklace. The adorable Caroline kicks vampire ass left and right until they disappear. Just as Mason is about to tell Damon what he’s found, he disappears. Lexi continues to stab a stubborn Stefan, but she says she needs more time. Lexi tells Elena that Stefan is still in there if they break through. Elena says she knows what to do and Lexi can be free. Lexi disappears. Elena is about to leave, making Stefan think that she’s given up. She grabs his face (unsafe!) and says that she hasn’t given up. But he needs to find hope, or he will lose her forever. She took to heart her speech to Jeremy about not loving ghosts.

Oh dear. I might be crying. Anna spots her mother Pearl; they embrace and cry. Before disappearing, Miss Sheila tells Bonnie that she is proud of her, and Bonnie is stronger than all of this. Jeremy tries to explain, but Bonnie says that Matt was able to let go of his sister before Jeremy was able to let go of Anna. He loses. To be fair, Bonnie is the one who saved his life. She sends him away. Then the fireplace sparks, and she sees the necklace lying there, intact.

Alaric joins Damon in the cave. Damon says that Alaric and Elena are the only humans he trusts. He also tells Alaric to get over the fact that he killed him since Mason did. Alaric rightly says he shouldn’t have to, but Damon recycles his Mason “apology,” says he didn’t mean it with Mason, and gives Alaric the eye thing. Alaric helps him out. Alaric tells Damon that he found something—he has no idea what. It’s some sort of writing on the walls. And something lives—or lived—there. Hm. What is this original speak?

I didn't steal the necklace to stay with you, btw. No hard feelings.

The Vampire Diaries: Smells Like Teen Spirit (Season 3, Episode 6)

I did not look like this in high school.

Elena wakes up early after a very bad day. She covers up the bite marks on her neck from Stefan and/or Rebekah before following Alaric outside. Alaric trains Elena, though she doesn’t possess his sexy muscles (or tattoo). Why they are training against Stefan now, after Damon and literally dozens of vampires terrorized her and everyone else, is beyond me, but they both look pretty badass. And Alaric sweetly says Elena is the strongest person he knows because she got out of bed that morning, after all she’d been through.

Elena, Caroline, and Bonnie walk sexily into the first day of school. Elena dons the accessory of many a Damon girlfriend: the scarf. They complain about their lives, but Caroline insists they move forward. Elena says she has to put her past behind her. Her “boyfriend” Stefan is playing some form of twister that involves many dead girls. Damon disapproves of the mess. Rebekah moves in without either Damon or Stefan’s approval. Stefan doesn’t like her now for some reason, and Damon doesn’t know who she is.

Bonnie’s a little hard on Jeremy about his ability to see dead ex-girlfriends. Matt is able to see his dead sister, so he spends his morning talking to himself or rather his sister Vicki. Vicki dubiously says again there’s a way to bring her back. Matt misses her. He has no parents. His ex is dating a vampire. And now he seems crazy. An unnaturally perky Tyler interrupts him. Far away in a tomb, Katherine, meanwhile, is having no luck in reviving the vampire Michael. Damon calls her and tells her to step on it. She spots a mourner at the graveyard and decides to give it another shot.

Stefan's most fiendish act: making fun of how slow Elena is.

Damon refers to Rebekah as Barbie-Klaus and sweetly makes fun of Stefan’s broody persona instead of telling Elena who Stefan is killing. Tyler shows up and smooches Caroline in front of Elena. Tyler and Caroline get into a lovers quarrel because Tyler says that Rebekah is hooking him up with blood bags. He thinks it’s awesome that he is Klaus’s first successful hybrid!  In a similar fashion to the dance Elena and Stefan did outside the bathroom in the pilot episode (as well as a “coed” bathroom scene), Elena runs into Stefan. He says he’ll protect her and grabs her. Alaric tells him to stop, but Stefan shoves Alaric, his history teacher, attracting attention. Stefan notes that he doesn’t want to be a senior for the 100^th time, but this is his job. He’s a real douche.

Everyone here is crazy, let’s face it. Elena tells Alaric that they have to do something about Stefan. Caroline is surprised to see Stefan and then Rebekah waltzes into class. So three of these students are vampires, one of whom is an original vampire, and one is also a werewolf. Alaric just wants to talk about Native Americans. Outside, Jeremy interrupts Matt’s tete-a-tete with Vicki. Jeremy pretends not to see her, but he immediately consults Anna. Vicki cites a ritual that could bring her back (hopefully not involving a dead relative). Vicki and Anna explain that she can come back as a ghost if the witch’s power from the other side pushes her through. Anna is worried. Matt looks concerned but wants to he help.

Chaos on the sports field! Rebekah moves in on Caroline’s territory (after someone asks what happened to dead Dana) by trying out for the cheerleading squad and saying she’s after Tyler. Isn’t he kind of her child? Or great-etc. grandchild? She shows off her moves. Tyler compels the coach to let them get drunk at the bonfire party. He tells Caroline to chillax because Klaus gave him this gift. On the tracks, Stefan annoys Elena, pushing over a guy who bumps into her. Elena is still convinced he isn’t Stefan, who refers to her as a human blood bag… “no offense.” He is acting a bit like Tyler used to.

Stop trying to protect me! You are so evil!

Elena lifts weights. Damon asks her if she is going to bench press a vampire and calls her Buffy. Elena wants to lock up Stefan for now, but Damon isn’t hopeful. Still, he gives her a very sexy lesson in how to kill a vampire. He has her feel his sternum, and he touches her spine under her shirt. Then, they almost kiss. He assures her that no one, including Stefan, is going to hurt her. Bonfire redux: a powwow meets to stop Stefan. Damon just wants to use Bonnie (smart man), but Elena is worried that Stefan will hurt her. (Wouldn’t Stefan suspect something? He is a horrible bodyguard.) Elena tells Damon to distract Rebekah with his charm. Damon is the voice of reason here. He also is the first to notice that Tyler is very obviously a Klaus fan. The solution: Caroline needs to get a new boyfriend.

Elena downs a beer in front of Stefan and Rebekah. Stefan tells her she’s a lightweight. Rebekah likes Elena’s snark when she calls him a blood addict. Elena gets drunk and actually smiles at a guy drinking from a keg. She and Stefan raise their eyebrows and glasses at one another. Damon shows Rebekah how to eat a marshmallow in a hot way. Elena spots them and looks jealous. Stefan pulls a Damon by invading her bubble and whispering in her ear. Stefan actually points out that she’s jealous. He doesn’t seem to give a crap, even though she contradicts him.

Even though Damon says he can be mean if Rebekah wants him to, she knows he’s distracting her and stabs him in the stomach with her marshmallow stick. Inside, Tyler wakes up after being vervained. Caroline gives him a talking to. She said he’s trying to please Klaus. Tyler says he’s no one’s pet (hah). Caroline says he’s acting like the old Tyler. Oh snap, she went there! He says he’ll try not to be his enhanced bad self because he likes Caroline so much. He is looking very attractive. They make out. But… is he sincere? Can he “be careful?”

Ninja position. (What are they looking at? Wasn't Elena's biggest problem at this point her drunk self?)

Elena drunkenly teases Stefan (who is acting like his old self – he wants her to be careful and go home) until she falls from the top of the bleachers. He catches her, and they share a moment. Is there something still there in him, in spite of it all? Alaric shoots Stefan with vervain, but observes that Elena is underage and “not sober.” Elsewhere, Matt does some sort of blood ritual; there are candles, there is smoke, and he and Vicki embrace – he can feel her. Bonnie’s just mad Jeremy’s talking to Anna. Vicki reveals that she made a deal with the witch to kill Elena so Klaus can’t make any more hybrids. She knocks out Matt and leaves.

Matt confesses this to Bonnie, who takes care of business as Vicki sets the car with Elena and Stefan on fire. She sits in the car and prevents Elena from leaving. How does Stefan wake up? He must not have been too vervained. Bad plan, you two. Stefan could have woken up and murdered Alaric while he was driving. Vicki takes way too long to kill Elena. To be fair, Vicki did know her. Bonnie manages to send Vicki back as Stefan kicks out the back of the car. Elena is sure to save Stefan, and Elena, Alaric, and Stefan get out before the car blows. Matt says goodbye because he can’t let Vicki hurt anyone. No one can win on this show.

Damon applies first aid to Elena. She almost admits that she was jealous, and Damon admits that he was totally faking it with Rebekah. Elena smiles at him. Alaric interrupts them. Damon is still trying to get back into his good graces. Others making up include Tyler and Caroline who dress after having amazing sex in the middle of a living room. Correction: Tyler is only wearing a towel. Damn. Unfortunately, Rebekah comes in and sexily offers him a bitten and bleeding girl. Tyler tries to resist, but Rebekah mentions Klaus and bites into the girl again. Tyler rushes over and drinks.

Danger, danger: high voltage! (When we touch, when we kiss.)

Michael had refused to drink, but Katherine eventually wakes him with blood. Michael, apparently a self-hating vampire, tells her to get the body away from her. She says he’s not so scary. He apologizes in his polite British accent for his outburst. He says he hasn’t had human blood in years because he doesn’t feast on living things, but he can and will kill Klaus. A remarkably careless Katherine frees him from his chains, and Michael shows what kind of blood he does drink: VAMPIRE BLOOD. Can a vampire survive on that, or is he just special?

For some reason, Bonnie is ignoring Jeremy’s calls. At the Gilbert house, Jeremy admits that he can’t stop thinking about Anna, and she can’t stop thinking about him. They touch hands and realize that they can feel one another. Ghost sex ensues… or hand holding, whichever you want to imagine.

Elena wants Alaric to befriend Damon again. Stefan weirdly thanks them for saving him. Elena confesses that she still has hope. Stefan says she is extremely pathetic. She disagrees and claims to be strong before stabbing him in the gut with wooden stakes. She’s a lot harder on Stefan than she was on Damon, I guess because she loved Stefan. After they leave, Damon thinks Stefan is running around knocking over vases. Someone gives Damon a good punch, and who is it? None other than MASON LOCKWOOD. So are a bunch of ghosts making their way over to Mystic Falls? The residents are in huge trouble. Someone dies every day there.

The Vampire Diaries: The Reckoning (Season 2, Episode 5)

Warning: episode more badass and batshit than stills would have you believe.

Shots of a darkened school are edited to the sound of a clinking machine. Matt is working out all by his lonesome. He hears and sees something. After wandering around, he steps on a mousetrap, setting off a series of mousetraps. Surprise! It’s his friends, forced into senior prank night by the spirited vampire Caroline. Her werewolf boyfriend Tyler is totally on her side, the witch Bonnie and human Elena are less enthusiastic, and Matt echoes my sentiments by stating that he is surprised that anyone cares about senior prank night after they’ve been nearly killed countless times by supernatural creatures. Elena leaves to glue history teacher and vampire hunter Alaric’s desk shut. Caroline shouts, “I love you!” and Tyler instructs a group of boys to join him. Elena smiles for once, until she rounds a corner and comes face to face with the most supernatural and evil one of all: Klaus. She tries to run, but why even bother? He simply notes, “You were supposed to be dead.”

Cue awesome music. Vampire Damon is driving vampire Katherine along an open road. He gets annoyed and tells her to stop being cute. She awesomely replies, “Not possible.” Damon notes that he and Mystic Falls/Elena are on a break. Katherine makes her move, smooching Damon while he’s driving. Damon then revels in shoving her away and saying that she doesn’t do it for him anymore. He eventually pulls over and chucks the keys in the bushes, demanding that Katherine fill him in. She pulls out Elena’s necklace, stating that Klaus wants it. She also says that she found out something even better. Katherine opens the trunk to reveal an unconscious Jeremy, Elena’s ghost-seeing brother. Damon’s hilarious reaction is a deadpan, “Jeremy? Really?” but he looks concerned.

Vampire Stefan wakes up. Original vampire/werewolf Klaus has been breaking his neck all day. Klaus’s original vampire sister Rebekah says that she knows the doppelganger is still alive and hopes for her death. Stefan attacks her. Rebekah says, “consider me jealous” as she beats down Stefan. Playing the siblings was a dangerous game, but what else could Stefan do? Inside, Klaus drags Elena through the corridors saying that he only wanted to be a hybrid to make more hybrids. Elena tells him to kill her already, but he says he wants to be certain of something, and he has ways of making her suffer. Because she hasn’t suffered enough in her life. Klaus waltzes into a gym filled with pranking seniors and tells them they’re busted. Remarkably obedient, they all leave, except for Dana and another student. Klaus recognizes them. He compels Dana to lift her foot up and the boy to beat her to death if she drops it. Elena gets points for scolding Klaus: “You don’t have to hurt anybody.” But this is Klaus, “Of course, I do, love.”

We be pranking.

Tyler and Caroline are still the best. Caroline worries about Matt, Tyler says he loves how big her heart is and continues to kiss her, even as he ponders whether his friend Matt has anyone to talk with. He also says he is happy. So of course Rebekah interrupts them and agrees with me by calling them adorable. She calls out Tyler as a werewolf. Caroline steps in to protect him, but Rebekah bares her fangs and strikes. (Is Tyler going to be the second hybrid? Is he going to be the test?)

Matt and Bonnie share a sweet moment. It is hysterical that Matt thinks he actually has to explain why he isn’t into senior prank night. Bonnie and he discuss their weird lives and reveal that they both know that Vicki is a ghost. In a tense scene (hasn’t he seen any horror movies?), Matt goes into a bathroom alone, systematically opening and closing doors. The door on a stall on which “RIP Vicki Donavon” is written opens by itself. We see a glimpse of Vicki saying, “I’m here, Matt. I can help.” But Matt does not seem to hear her.

Klaus is still making sure Dana doesn’t drop her foot. The other boy watches dispassionately. Klaus tells Elena that Stefan is on a time out (hah). Bonnie and Matt stumble in. Klaus nonchalantly comments that he wondered when she’d turn up. Matt’s expression says, “Who the eff is this guy?” Klaus nags at Bonnie, and Rebekah drags Tyler in. Klaus introduces her as a mean one; she tells him not to be an arse. Klaus feeds Tyler his blood, cracks his neck, and demands that Bonnie help Tyler. Because either he will die a horrible death or he will become a hybrid. D: Either of those options is a huge game-changer. Klaus is all lulz.

Why were they sitting there with the lights out?

Again, the dialog is on fire this episode. Katherine says one can kill Klaus so he is for realz dead. Damon says Katherine is more likely a desperate, lying drunk. Apparently Pearl (whom Damon vividly remembers) told Anna how to kill Klaus, but she wouldn’t tell Katherine. Jeremy wakes up and connects the dots. Katherine and Damon are bored waiting for Anna’s ghost to appear. She finally does, but she doesn’t want to help the two, and who can blame her? At Kat’s advising, Damon roughs up Jeremy. Immediately Anna says that they are looking for Michael, a vampire who hunts vampires. Yet he would kill all of them if they woke him.

This music is scary! Outside, Stefan awakens, again, and pulls a crowbar out of his torso. In the gym, Elena explains to Matt that Tyler isn’t really dead, at least not for now. Klaus latches onto Elena and invades her bubble. Rebekah snipes that she isn’t as pretty as the original doppelganger before sauntering off in saucy high heels, dragging Tyler’s body behind her. Stefan lies by approaching Klaus and saying that Elena means nothing to him; he will do what Klaus wants. Elena says no, but Klaus backhands her. Klaus tells Stefan to kill the two students. OF COURSE, Stefan attacks Klaus. Stefan, you suck at this double dealing stuff. But again, what else can he do? Klaus has the same attitude; he doesn’t believe Stefan’s promises. Trouble in paradise! Klaus mentions their beautiful summer together and compels Stefan to stop fighting. Stefan pleads with him. Klaus says all he wanted was his allegiance, but he is being forced to compel Stefan to do whatever he says. Elena’s all, “What?” Klaus says, “Now kill them. RIPPAH.” And Stefan kills Dana.

I’m afraid I like the vain Rebekah. She tells Caroline that Tyler is dead-ish but will become a hybrid, as she browses through Caroline’s phone photos. She cringes at one of Elena and Stefan until she realizes Elena is wearing her necklace. Elena, meanwhile, watches Stefan feed. Klaus tries to convince her that this is who Stefan is. Klaus then compels Stefan to eat Elena if Bonnie doesn’t help him in 20 minutes. Rebekah barges in and almost kills Elena, revealing that she had her necklace. Klaus isn’t too surprised that “Katerina” now has it. You in danger, girl.

Power team! Or not?

Bonnie and Matt have a revelation: if Bonnie can contact Jeremy, maybe she can reach the dead witches. Matt finds his clothes scattered about and his keys at the bottom of a pool. Vicki still can’t reach him, so she kicks his shoe in the water and texts him. Matt tells Bonnie that Vicki might be able to help, but Bonnie says Jeremy is the solution. I love that Matt is helping, but then he says: bring me back from the dead, so I can see ghosts, too. No magic necessary, only CPR. GASP! I don’t want to watch Matt drown! Matt grabs something heavy and jumps in the pool. Bonnie runs her ass off and pulls Matt out of the pool. Who directed this crazy episode?

In a really intense scene, Stefan freaks out, Mystic Falls style. He is sarcastic with Elena while explaining that as a ripper, when humans speak, all he hears are beating hearts. The more he gets, the more he wants. O_O She says that Caroline’s dad could somehow not be compelled, and Stefan at least owes her his love. She really stands up to him in spite of his psychosis. He admits that her love has kept him holding on, but he’s almost certain he won’t be able to hold on anymore if he bites her. And this is not Edward Cullen style concern here. This is, “If I get anywhere near you, if I get a taste of your blood, YOU ARE DEAD.”

Tyler gasps to life. Rebekah plays with Caroline’s phone and checks Klaus’s timer. They explain to Tyler his predicament. Near the pool, I’m liking Bonnie and Matt’s scenes together. She desperately tries to resuscitate him, while he receives a message from Vicki. SUCCESS! He coughs up water and awakens.

Bonnie threatens to kill Matt (again), but Matt says that Vicki’s message is that the doppelganger has to be dead for the hybrids to live. Klaus hears them; he thinks Tyler won’t die, since he chooses hybrids over doppelgangers every time. Damn, why are Rebekah and Klaus so funny?

Sweat, pool water, and Bonnie's saliva, all in one episode.

Time is up. Elena tells Stefan she loves him. Stefan holds off as long as possible and orders Elena to run, in spite of her danger. Stefan hilariously slows himself down by running into lockers. Unfortunately, Elena runs right into Klaus, who holds her close in the darkness and smiles as he says quietly, “We’ve got to stop meeting like this.” Stefan breaks a broom and stabs himself. Klaus is amused by the one thing stronger than his desire for blood: his love for Elena. Klaus and Stefan have a lovers’ brawl. Klaus demands that Stefan turn it off. It seems as though Klaus only wants to use compulsion as a last option, which he finally does. This episode is killing me. Stefan gets all veiny and smiley, and when he’s ordered to, he bites Elena. Damn.

I never would have guessed Tyler would become the first hybrid. Klaus somehow intuits that they should NOT kill the doppelganger. On the contrary, they should use her blood to turn the werewolves. Klaus gives Tyler Elena’s blood. He drinks it, rolls around, and reveals a face that looks part werewolf, part vampire. Elena wakes up in a hospital with an eerily friendly nurse. Compulsion alert! Elena is attached to blood bags. It appears as though Klaus is COLLECTING HER BLOOD.

Jeremy calls Damon a dick for possibly giving him a concussion, and Damon has to use his adult voice to get his phone back from Katherine. He sees Bonnie’s texts about Klaus and decides to head back. Katherine thinks they should find Michael and the old Damon wouldn’t have been so dumb – for HER, as Damon points out. Back at the Falls, Klaus tells Rebekah he knew to do the opposite of whatever the original witch said because she hated him. The big trick on him: killing the doppelganger turns him into a werewolf, the doppelganger’s live blood creates hybrids. Unfortunately, the gang totally helped him out. He lets it slip that he is creating hybrids to not be alone for all eternity. Rebekah finds it kind of lame. Damon shows up. Klaus humorously says that he promised not to kill Damon, and unlike Stefan he keeps his word. However, Stefan probably doesn’t care now. Damon pulls out the Michael card. Klaus looks distraught, chucks Damon against a car, and vanishes.

Mousetraps hurt worse than death!

Klaus had planned to leave with Tyler and Elena, but Damon finds her in the hospital. A horrified Damon “unplugs” her and carries her away. At school, Tyler and Caroline walk hand in hand. Tyler ominously says that he is doing “great.” He says it is an amazing rush, but Caroline looks concerned. In the locker room, Bonnie chastises Matt for what he did, hoping that he will stay out of their affairs. I still like their camaraderie. She leaves. Vicki visits. She and Matt have a tearful reunion.

I may or may not be crying. Damon comforts Elena. Her trauma is beyond measure. She asks where Damon was. Normally I would think, Elena, you expect him to be with you at all times? But after what she’s been through, I don’t blame her in the least. Damon offers her bourbon and compulsion, but she refuses the latter. He says that he will never leave. She cries over Stefan. You can see that she is truly turning to Damon now. Holy eff Stefan is there. Klaus told him to keep an eye on Elena, apparently since he didn’t take her with him. Elena is aghast. Stefan’s all, I’m stickin around yo. And I’m Damon-y now. Creepy.

Somewhere unknown: Katherine and Jeremy find a tomb. Katherine busts in and opens his tomb. There is Michael’s zombified corpse, wrapped in chains. His eyes pop open.

Another day, another dead friend. No big deal.

The Vampire Diaries: Disturbing Behavior (Season 3, Episode 4)

The definition of "louche."

Klaus, Rebekah, and Stefan have excellent lives. Stefan and Klaus guzzle wine as the apparently feminist Rebekah tries on dresses and adjusts to 21^st century life. Stefan is allowed to step outside, and when he does, he spots Katherine staring at him like a sex bomb. He follows her. Katherine seems really curious. She wants to know Stefan’s plans, though she’s convinced he’ll fail no matter what. Their scene is full of sass, as usual. What is Stefan planning, and does Katherine have any ulterior motives? Katherine thinks Klaus is smarter than everyone; so does he know that Elena’s alive?

Elena makes chili for a (what else?) founders type party. Alaric says he doesn’t want to go as he observes Damon’s teasing. Obviously this scene is supposed to show that Elena and Damon are getting close. Also, Damon says Elena should ditch the necklace since it is a reminder of Stefan. Elena seems hurt that Stefan doesn’t want to leave Klaus, but lady – what choice does he have?

Jeremy wakes to the deceased Anna’s voice. She has been trying to contact him, but only after he so recently dreamt of her is she able to break through. They share a tender moment. Awkward! Not only is she dead but he’s also dating someone. Said girlfriend Bonnie arrives with Caroline. Bonnie greets Elena and her brother Jeremy, but Jeremy looks over her shoulder to see his sad looking ex Anna in the mirror.

Trouble in paradise.

I love this. Damon wants to kill Caroline’s awful father, but Liz says no – just erase his memory. She still doesn’t approve of Damon’s vampire “lifestyle.” He asks her if that’s what she told her gay husband when they got divorced. Snap! Damon plays around with this Bill fellow, snarks a few awesome lines, and mind whammies him. He points out that Caroline needs no help, even though he calls her annoying. Liz doesn’t look like she hates this intimidation.

Gloria grabs Rebekah in hopes of channeling her and finding the necklace. Rebekah seems sad that Stefan left. Meanwhile, Caroline and Bonnie disapprove of the always forgiving Elena cooking with Damon. Suddenly her necklace burns her skin. Bonnie touches the jewelry and it ignites. Elsewhere, Gloria looks at Stefan and says she found the necklace, but doesn’t know exactly where it is. Rebekah gets murderously pouty, and Klaus moves in on Gloria, “harshing [her] juju.” It is apparent that she is helping Klaus because she is afraid of him. Who wouldn’t be? Stefan successfully convinces them to leave for now by saying (sexily) into Klaus’s ear something to the effect of letting him pick who they eat. Klaus and Rebekah look totally turned on. How much does Gloria know?

At the city-wide picnic, Caroline informs Elena that she cannot change Damon while Bonnie tries to mojo the necklace. It then levitates on its own. Also at the party is Damon who laughs at the annoying Fell family’s chili. Damon reveals the meaning for all these gatherings: reasons for the anti-vampire council to meet. Alaric tells Damon to back off Elena. I’m kind of on Damon’s side in this one; it’s not Alaric’s business, and Damon is looking after her. But Alaric is cute; he says “take a beat” and admits that this is basically his only attempt at looking after her.

Bam! You're pregnant, Stefan.

The vampire threesome have a seventies party involving more murders than makeouts. It appears Stefan’s strategy is to play the two siblings, who only have eyes for him, against one another. This is both brilliant and extraordinarily dangerous. He offends and amuses both Rebekah and Klaus. I was so scared for Stefan when he told Kaus that he was no picnic and wanted to blow his own head off after being with him for a summer. Klaus looked annoyed, but he approved of Stefan walking away to supposedly write down the name of the dead lady. This episode is full of so many great moments.

Jeremy calls out to Anna, who visits him. She tells him not to trust Vicki and explains whyshe can communicate with him. Talk about the ghosts of girlfriends past. Is Jeremy crazy or what? This all seems very psychological. Back in someone’s bedroom, Bonnie lets Jeremy know that she upset the balance of nature by bringing him back to life. When he tries to help her read through her grimoires, Anna warns that the darkness she connected with Vicki is here. The necklace and grimoire light on fire. Is Vicki somehow connected to the original witch? Is Anna trustworthy? Very intriguing. Wah! Jeremy tells Anna that she can’t stalk him and Bonnie. Anna says she shows up when he thinks of her. He realizes he cares, but he can’t keep holding on. She disappears. Jeremy decides to tell Bonnie as Anna cries behind him that she is all alone.

Stefan goes to Gloria, apparently to find out what she knows, because he doesn’t want to tell her anything. She knows that Stefan is connected to the necklace, but neither wants to help Klaus. He moves to attack her, but she puts him down with her mind powers. Now we know why Klaus likes Gloria. She tortures Stefan to get what she wants out of him. In an intense scene, Gloria discovers that Elena is the doppelganger, and she is supposed to be dead. She also describes Stefan’s love for her and the guilt he always carries with him. Even though by now I hate her, I am sad to see her die at the hands of Katherine. Then I’m torn again because Katherine is a BAMF. “This is creepy,” she says before stabbing Gloria.

I enjoy having a small personal bubble.

 I am trying not to laugh to hard at comments at this anti-vampire council meeting, such as, “everything’s been quiet,” and “looks like we’ve made it through the worst.” Such liars, all of them. And they all know it. And who should show up but the freshly compelled (or not) Bill? Even he has to reference the stupidity of the council.

Caroline warns Elena about Damon, but I don’t see why everyone’s so concerned or think Damon’s so unredeemable since Stefan has been a mass murderer. Whatever the case, Caroline leaves when she sees her dad. After glimpsing him, Damon runs around like a chicken with its head cut off. He makes a crack about the irony of Bill outing Damon. Bill also wants to put vervain in the water system, which Elena (and the audience) notes is a good idea. It seems as though she’s trying to turn Damon into the new Stefan: be in control. Alaric stands by her side, and Damon “kills” him. This annoys Elena. Isn’t that hilarious? They know he’ll come back to life so it’s just like whatever that was rude.

Caroline and Tyler are adorable together. Caroline hides from her dad in Tyler’s room. He offers to pound her dad, and she is tempted, but she bought her dad his shirt. Caroline says Tyler reeks of football practice, but she likes stinky men so they start to get it on. Unfortunately they are interrupted by a phone call from Elena.

You smell like poop. I love poop.

Bill tells Damon that he loves his daughter and his self-discipline allowed him to resist Damon’s sloppy compulsion. Damon disproves Bill’s statement that Damon isn’t self-destructive enough to attack him by biting Bill. Caroline saves her sorry father from Damon’s torture, healing him with her blood and getting into a full-on fight with Damon, who is stronger but not as angry as Caroline. Elena comes in and declares that she wishes Damon didn’t have to act like a vampire. He points out that he isn’t Stefan, and Elena needs to stop trying to turn him into him. This is another poignant moment. Obviously Elena misses Stefan, and she also doesn’t want the warnings of her friends to prove true. This also reminds one of Elena’s words, “I like you now, just the way you are.” Clearly she is still thinking about this.

Katherine and Stefan are sexy together. She advises Stefan to bond with Klaus in order to make the less paranoid Rebekah jealous, since Klaus will never completely fall for Stefan (hah). Stefan finally confides that he knew Klaus and Rebekah when they were running from a mysterious vampire hunter.  Back at the coffins: so many levels in one scene. Stefan moves to free one of the originals, but Rebekah interrupts him. She makes like she loves him, kisses him, and even throws in a little comment about Klaus admiring him. He asks about who Klaus was running from. She calls in Klaus and says that she knows Stefan isn’t with them. Poor Stefan. Never play a playa, or in this case, two.

Damon drinks too much, but since he’s vamp, does it really matter? He fixes himself and Alaric a drink. Alaric gasps to life. Damon wants his friend back, but doesn’t want to apologize. Alaric realizes he’s in an abusive relationship and stomps off. In a wild turn of events, Alaric declares that the council is failing in protecting humans. There needs to be a group of humans that looks out for its own.

I let the blood dribble a little just to look slightly more menacing.

Again, so much complexity. Caroline forces Elena to admit that she is attracted to Damon; she is only human. ;) Though I kind of find this forced confession awkward, Caroline has great advice. I’m sure Elena’s not the only one to wonder why she is not the perfect person she always expects to be. Caroline spots her father and tries to make peace with him. He thanks her for saving him, but states that she will never be okay since she is a vampire. There is a powerful connection here between Caroline’s insistence that Damon is who he is, he says because he’s a vampire, and her father’s view of Caroline as something fundamentally evil. Can vampires ever really be reliable?

This episode is totally tricking me. Bonnie tells “Elena” that Jeremy is seeing ghosts. Elena asks for her necklace, due to its “Stefan-ness.” As soon as she gets it, she is gone. Katherine shows up at Damon’s with her best Elena face. Katherine is the last thing Damon needs in his life, but since he’s feeling cramped, he accepts to go on a joyride with her. Damon, will you ever learn? I see where Damon’s coming from, but this is a woman who could easily take you on a ride to certain death.

Klaus has “done something” to Stefan, who wakes up, startled. Klaus says that Rebekah’s instincts are almost supernatural, but Klaus is more curious than angry about what Stefan is hanging onto. Thus, he has brought Stefan and his gang of corpses back to Mystic Falls. How weird is it that Klaus may have ridden with an unconscious Stefan to Mystic Falls in the back of a moving van? Now that I think of it, he probably just went back there after they arrived. But maybe not.

Worst dad of the year forever.

The Vampire Diaries: The End of the Affair (Season 2, Episode 3)

Would you like another drink, my completely heterosexual friend?

And we begin with an ambiguous call from Katherine (!) to Damon. Katherine seems to know everything about Klaus and Stefan, even though she won’t give any answers. Is our dear Katherine hoping for Stefan’s safety? The audience discovers that Klaus has dragged Stefan to Chicago. Klaus thinks it a shame that Stefan doesn’t remember his time in Chicago due to blackouts.

Flashback to 1920s: Stefan is having sex with/killing a young lady in the back of the car. After, he wipes off his mouth, takes a flower out of her hair, and saunters away. Klaus lets us know that we will be following this ripper who moved to Chicago due to loneliness. Great music plays as a remarkably Damonesque Stefan walks through the back door of a nightclub. A blond vixen with a British accent approaches him and notes that he is still “wearing his date.” She later tells an arrogant Stefan to shut up so she can listen to the music.

Damon pulls a Katherine by slipping into Elena’s bed at 6 a.m. He makes a few entendres, pulls out sexy red underwear, and invites her to join him on a trip to Chicago to find Stefan. It’s funny that she asks if he really has nothing better to do so early in the morning, since clearly he’d rather protect her than do anything else. The two road trip it to Chicago. He wants her to read Stefan’s diaries, filled with entries describing black-outs, blood, and women. Damon snarks that he’s shocked Stefan’s not a virgin. Elena claims that she’s seen Stefan at his darkest. Um, no she hasn’t. She saw Stefan almost kill a girl, and Stefan pushed her into a wall. She hasn’t seen him rip bodies apart and massacre villages.

Isn't it weird that we're not drinking bodily fluids?

Stefan ignores Klaus’s descriptions of Chicago as magical and wonders why Klaus is still keeping him around. Klaus says they’re going to see a witch. They meet Gloria, who is mortal but aging slowly thanks to spells. Klaus makes a crack (“A hybrid walks into a bar…”) and orders Stefan to fix them a drink. Gloria says she needs Bex. Stefan finds a picture of him with Klaus! It appears Katherine wasn’t the only one aware of Stefan’s whereabouts at all times.

Meanwhile, Caroline’s absolutely psychotic father tortures her with vervain and sunlight, after taking off her ring. He thinks this will somehow fix her. Sheriff Liz Forbes calls an absent Caroline and Tyler knocks on her door, but Caroline’s dad is pulling a Clockwork Orange: he’s conditioning her to associate bloodlust with pain. Any struggles with acceptance he might have had as a gay man are clearly thrown out the window when it comes to accepting his daughter as she is. To be fair, being gay does not involve turning into a murderous predator, but these scenes are still repulsive.

Damon and Elena visit Stefan’s creepy old apartment which was near an all-girls school. Inside a secret closet, Stefan has written the names of his victims. Shiver. Damon admits that he himself wasn’t a saint, but Stefan was a “cocky ripper douche.” He leaves her to contemplate that while he checks out Stefan’s other stomping grounds. I guess they’re just hoping Stefan and Klaus don’t return to his apartment?

G-L-O-R-I-A, Gloooria.

Stefan is so frustrated that Klaus didn’t say anything about their first meeting he grabs Klaus, who removes his arm and says that he hated Stefan. Flashback: Stefan and the vampire girl Bex chomp on a babe and then make out. Klaus comes along and rips Bex, his sister, away from Stefan, apparently jealous. Klaus seems pretty incestuous, with both Elijah and Bex. She says Klaus isn’t her boyfriend, but he says he’s her brother and she has to do what he says. He also makes fun of Stefan’s hair.

Klaus proceeds to open a coffin and pull a dagger out of Bex. At first Stefan is confused, then he is frightened. Klaus says that Stefan has many useful talents and he learned some of his favorite tricks from him. Flashback: the elitist Klaus kicks back and states that he’s killed his family. Bex chose his side. Stefan isn’t fazed. When a man asks for his wife, Stefan compels him to sit down and orders her over. He then forces the horrified man to drink her blood out of a glass. Bex and Klaus think this is hilarious. You can just see Klaus thinking, “Drinking blood out of a glass. Sadistic fraternity games. Classy.”

Stefan doesn’t believe Klaus, but he says he will prove their friendship by going to his old apartment. Damon, what were you thinking? After the two leave, Damon visits Gloria’s bar. He puts the moves on her, but she declines because he’s a vampire, even though she prefers him to Stefan and thinks he’s cute. She also states that Stefan and Klaus are a bad combo.

Bros before real actual biological bros.

Elena reads Stefan’s diary, detailing Lexi’s continual attempts to rehabilitate him. Stefan and Klaus enter his apartment. Klaus knows there’s someone there, but Stefan attributes it to a break in. Elena hides in the closet. Luckily for her, Klaus opens the door for Stefan to look in. They share a moment, and Stefan says, “Look what I’ve found,” before grabbing a bottle of whisky to share with Klaus. They leave. Thank goodness that Stefan’s improved his poker face. At the same time, was his, “Look what I’ve found,” intended to scare Elena? Also, still creepy to know that Stefan wrote the names of his victims down so he could repeatedly relive their deaths.

Damon returns and is all business in spite of a shaken Elena. He says he realized what a bad idea it was to leave her there. He says he will distract Klaus for five minutes or until Klaus rips his heart out while she talks to Stefan. This is a bad plan. First, Stefan won’t go with her since Klaus will kill them all if he does. Second, does Damon expect to die then and there or somehow scoot away?

Stefan and Klaus are drinking (alcohol). Klaus admits that he liked Stefan both because of the way he tortured innocent people and because Stefan wanted to be his wingman. Flashback: Stefan and Klaus are laughing and drinking. Stefan says that his family is jealous of Klaus because he’s a king, not a freak. Klaus advises Stefan to watch out for his sister, who will quickly fall in love with and then leave him. Stefan says he’s glad he met Klaus because he’s a good friend. Can I just say: lol! Present day: Klaus toasts, “To friendship.”

Are you seriously running from someone? This AGAIN?

A tipsy Stefan asks why he only knows Klaus as a hybrid dick who sacrificed his girlfriend. Klaus says that all good things must come to an end. (They’re faces are really close at this point. Just saying.) Flashback:  some vampire hunting policeman riddles the bar with wooden bullets. Klaus finishes his drink, Bex drops her necklace, and Klaus compels Stefan to forget everything about them until he needs him to remember again. Like Katherine, Klaus appears to be running from someone. Damon slips into the bar, motions for Stefan to follow him, and leaves. Stefan makes an excuse that he needs a real drink and follows Damon without Klaus’s awareness.

Stefan fills Damon in a little: Elena being alive is preventing Klaus from making his werewolf army. Klaus is about to discover the truth, he thinks. Damon moves to distract Klaus while Stefan talks to Elena. Damon calls Klaus honey after Klaus refers to him as riff raff. Damon asks for his brother and calls himself a thrill seeker. Klaus admits that he saved Damon’s life for Stefan but wonders how many freebies he should get. He decides to torture Damon, who offers himself as a replacement for Stefan. Gloria uses magic to incinerate Klaus’s makeshift stake and is entirely badass: “Not in my bar. You take it outside.”

Elena asks Stefan to come home. As they embrace, she tries to vervain him. For her sake, he grabs her arm and says that he doesn’t want to come home. Stefan tells her that not only is she in imminent danger, but that things will never be the same between them. He’s killed dozens of innocents and would take decades to recover. Stefan says that he doesn’t want to see or be with her. The audience sees his tragic expression as he turns away, but Elena does not.

I am smiling, therefore something must be wrong.

I hardly want to describe these scenes because of the sheer stupidity of Caroline’s dad. Caroline’s father continues to torture her so he doesn’t have to kill her. He leaves for the night, but her mom the sheriff busts in, aims a gun at him, and ushers Tyler in. Tyler breaks her out and carries her away, after retrieving her ring. Liz nurses her daughter back to health with blood bags but defends Caroline’s father by saying that he’ll come around. Tyler comes in and comforts Caroline, who cries that her father hates her. Tyler + Caroline = EPIC.

Flashback: Klaus kills Bex because she wants to stay with Stefan. Flash forward: Bex awakens and stabs Klaus, who pulls the dagger out. Klaus compels Stefan to remember them. Stefan and Bex are emotionally reunited as are Stefan and Klaus. Then the other shoe drops. Stefan supposedly knows how to contact the original witch. The necklace is key, the necklace that Elena is wearing. Bex throws a fit because she doesn’t know where it is. Is it weird that I like her and her bad temper?

Katherine calls Damon and basically laughs at his failure. She is in Chicago. Flashback: she was also looking totally foxy back in the day as she watched Stefan pick up the necklace. Stefan meets the mysterious man who was hunting Klaus and Bex. The plot thickens.

The Vampire Diaries: The Hybrid (Season 3, Episode 2)

We are not hybrids. Or are we?

Damon looks sultry as he burns the papers he used to track Stefan. A news reporter questions whether the death of Andie, Damon’s dearly departed girlfriend, was suicide or accident. Damon tells Elena that it was death by her boyfriend Stefan. She tells a concerned Damon that Stefan called her last night, even though he didn’t say anything. This convinces her that Stefan’s not as lost as Damon thinks. In a sense, they’re both right. Clearly Stefan at this point is regretful and sorrowful. Yet the fact that he is able to do these monstrous things means that he is as good as gone.

Did anyone else laugh out loud when a groggy Alaric yelled that Damon stop? Who else would be so adamant about seeing his best friend in the early morning? Elena, apparently. Alaric dons a shirt, which he leaves open, in front of his history student. She convinces him to tell her what she knows about Stefan. Alaric doesn’t think this is safe, but Elena says that Stefan wouldn’t give up on her, and she is not the type of person to give up. As foolhardy as she is, I have to admit that her chutzpah makes me a little more okay with her borderline denial. Alaric, like the friendly witch Bonnie, is easily convinced to help.

Meanwhile, Stefan carries dead werewolf Ray up a mountain. This must have been a fun scene to shoot (or not). Klaus tries to hit on Stefan by asking him if he needs a break, but Stefan is having none of this “chit-chat.” Klaus wants him to lighten up. They finally reach a pack of werewolf campers who ask who Stefan is. You have to love Klaus’s narcissism: he says that the important question is who he, Klaus, is. They discern that he is the hybrid. Klaus thinks it’s fantastic that they’ve heard of him.

Carol Lockwood poisons her son Tyler’s morning coffee with vervain to see if he’s become a vampire. She greets him by swigging a morning glass of alcohol and comparing his girlfriend Caroline to a prostitute. [My friend thought that Carol was just as angry about Caroline not being super rich as she was about her being a vampire.] Before heading out, Tyler drinks, unaware that he is proving his non-vampireness, and notes that Caroline is not a prostitute. Carol the [bad word] phones a mysterious man about her vampire problem.

Two shirtless scenes in the first seven minutes: Jeremy approaches Matt whilst between t-shirts. He tells Matt that he is still seeing Vicki, Matt’s sister. Matt claims that last night was a blur – which is, in all likelihood, true, considering he was high most of the night. Jeremy wants Matt’s help. Matt is clearly uncomfortable with the supernatural aspect of contacting his dead sister, and pained and the thought of coming to terms with her death. He soon agrees to help. These past two episodes have made me realize what a great actor Zach Roerig is.

I love to see them all working together. Tyler gives Elena werewolf insight and states that Caroline reminds Tyler he’s the one who bit Damon whose near death caused Stefan’s sacrifice. Tyler clearly feels guilty, though it wasn’t his fault, and Caroline obviously is gung-ho about saving Stefan. Tyler wonders where Caroline’s run off to. Elena gets Alaric to joining her on a trip through the Tennessee Mountains. Their exchange is cute, but how on earth is she going to find Stefan and Klaus? Also, how hysterical is it that she wants to go that very night, on a full moon, even though she could just wait one night for the danger to be lessened?

Taking a relaxing dip.

Ray wakes up, and Stefan snaps into wingman mode. Klaus spots a human in the wolf-pack. Stefan says that if Ray doesn’t drink the human’s blood, he will, but he won’t be able to stop. Ray drinks. Klaus begins to turn another wolf into a vampire. Strangely, no one is running. That would be quite a sight: Klaus and Stefan zipping around, trying to keep werewolves in one place. On another note, once they turn into wolves tonight, they will be a danger to Stefan, but then the immortal Klaus can save him with his blood.

I really like the music in this episode. Tyler’s missing Caroline at the Grill. Matt is vaguely bitchy about Caroline and Tyler’s friendship, but then he tentatively offers to help Tyler in his transition that night. Tyler discovers that the vervained coffee at the Grill tastes just like the coffee his mom gave him that morning. Being a werewolf, he is able to taste it. Elsewhere, stupid mystery man (who reminds me of uncle John – he grew on me, but UGH, not another one) visits a stricken Carol. She doesn’t want to kill Caroline, whom she’s known since birth, but this Bill fellow says the magic, bigoted words, “She’s a vampire.” End of story. Technically, I know all vampires are natural born killers. But Caroline can control herself better than most.

Alaric and Elena bond and check out their weaponry. (Is it weird that Elena’s boyfriend is more than a century older than this father figure?) I again laugh out loud when Damon appears and tosses Elena into a lake. Alaric wisely sold her out. Alaric watches Damon and Elena stand close. Damon, understandably, is none too keen on getting bitten by a werewolf, unless it means reenacting the “dead bed kissy thing.” He points out that Elena’s plan is ridiculous and that Damon isn’t giving up on Stefan, he’s being realistic. Hello, Klaus is indestructible. There are a bunch of werewolves around. Stefan is on the edge. How many obstacles are we facing here?

All the werewolves are “dead,” and the human is barely alive. Klaus says that he is building an army. They will be winners (I can’t help but think of Charlie Sheen). Stefan doesn’t really know what this is about, but he asks if he was kidnapped just so Klaus could see his attitude change. Poor Ray’s transition is not going well, considering he’s bleeding from his eyes. Ray takes off. Stefan makes fun of Klaus who tells him to lose the attitude and find Ray. Ray bites Stefan, and Stefan asks Klaus to give him blood to heal him. Klaus says he’ll heal him after he finds Ray. Stefan seems surprised. Meanwhile, Stefan has heard and even seen from afar our trio of heroes. One of the several aspects of this scene that pops out: SEXUAL TENSION. Klaus grabs Stefan’s arm and they’re all oh no, I don’t believe you’re like this, obey me, blah blah.

Tyler is badass and reveals to his mom that he knows about vampires. A nervous Carol says she knows Caroline’s a vampire, a monster. Tyler says, “You don’t know about me, do you?” Somehow, this short scene is very powerful. Tyler is kind of becoming my hero. He throws his mom into a cage and chains himself up so she can watch him turn into a werewolf.

Ray stumbles upon and attacks a p.o.’d Damon. Ray in turn gets wolfbaned and shot. Alaric guesses that he is a hybrid. This is not Ray’s day! The three stooges tie him up with vervained ropes. Ray starts to turn, and they all realize they’re screwed. Damon lingers, either feeling compassion, or wanting to get more information out of Ray. They all end up running. Damon saves Elena from Ray in wolf form by calling, “Here, doggie, doggie!” and zooming away. Elena wants to save Damon now, and Alaric’s all, stop with the saving! Just get out of here!

Unlike many people in this town, I actually experience fear and grief.

Back in Mystic Falls, Matt and Jeremy start to go through Vicki’s items, but this is too hard for Matt. He asks Jeremy to leave. It’s hard to take all this angst, show. Matt changes his mind and visits Jeremy, saying that Jeremy got Vicki more than almost anyone. The two mourn over the fact that they don’t remember their last moments with her, since our heroes erased their memories. The ghost of Vicki appears and tells Jeremy that she can come back. Then the ghost of Anna breaks a window and tells Jeremy not to trust Vicki! Matt’s eyes are as round as saucers. By the way, where is Bonnie in all this? I assume her storyline will be important later.

Return to the woods: Ray, now in human form, attacks Damon until Stefan kills Ray. Once again the brothers come face to face. Damon says to stop with the late night phone calls, and Stefan lies about calling Elena. In another poignant scene, Stefan tells Damon to stop Elena from looking for him because he’s never coming back. Damon nods, but he also now realizes that Elena was right – Stefan isn’t completely gone.

Alaric is amazing – there is a lot of wonderful bonding in this episode. Elena’s raring to go, while Alaric says he’ll be keeping the humans safe while the vampires fight the hybrid zombie mountain men. Alaric correctly points out that Elena is a sucker for a lost cause, and she tells him that he is not a lost cause. But he, Jeremy, and Elena are all lost. That’s why they’re perfect for each other. I’m so glad they’re taking time for these emotional moments here.

I’m actually almost crying. Damon shows up and pushes Elena towards the car. Obviously they’re supposed to be sharing a deep bond since she says she wants to appreciate that he’s alive before calling him a caveman. Then Stefan watches them leave. So. Sad. Elena thinks she sees him for a minute, but then he’s gone.

Klaus’s zombies awaken. He says that he is the only alpha there, but he appears to be annoyed. Off-screen, they apparently die or go rabid. This episode is so intense. A drunken Klaus cries over the fact that all his “comrades” died. He screams at a terrified Stefan. Klaus has done everything right – including killing the doppelganger. So – Elena’s life is apparently a big hitch in Klaus’s plan? Stefan expects, even hopes, that Klaus will let him die. Instead, Klaus drips his blood into a beer can which he gives to his only friend. (To be honest, I was hoping he’d feed Stefan his blood, but we can’t have everything.)

Again, this episode is killing me. Elena meets a sober (in both senses of the word) Damon in her room. Damon says that Stefan is still there, but he is not okay: “He’s an insufferable martyr who needs his ass kicked. But he can be saved.” He also makes Elena say that she worries about him before telling her that he wants her to remember what she felt with him when Stefan wasn’t there. Er, wasn’t this part a bit heavy handed on the “Damon makes Elena feel something” part? I mean, she will remember feeling horrible that Stefan was gone as much as she’ll remember how much Damon helped. I don’t know.

Carol Lockwood has spent the whole night watching her son’s transition. She is tearful and ready to call off the vampire watch. Bill is not so compliant. We see Caroline chained up yet again. Bill walks up to her, and Caroline says, “… Daddy?” Holy.

Such a naughty girl. Or boy. Or both.

The Birthday (Season 3, Episode 1)

'Sup?

In the early morning hours of Elena's birthday, two men come across an unusually attractive pair of girls. One of the men's fake American accent is equally jarring. The appearance of these rippers, vampire/werewolf Klaus and vampire Stefan, is a welcome opening, but the acting of the two ladies in question is rather lame. After the vampire massacres the ladies, they head over to a bar. Klaus likes to surprise people at bars. He chats up a nervous werewolf and notes that that Stefan has eerily hypnotized everyone in the bar. So there's no point in trying anything.

Elena rises and wakes up her brother Jeremy, who looks nothing like he's just been sleeping. Their history teacher Alaric has crashed on the couch, and this isn't creepy. It is, in fact, adorable, especially since every guardian they've ever had has died. After this recent tragedy and the disappearance of Elena's boyfriend Stefan, a somber Elena is still determined to find out whether her boyfriend is alive or dead.

She tells Caroline that she doesn't want a big party. Caroline just tells her to dress up and hangs up on her at the appearance of Tyler. They both light up. The two have lunch at some unspecified restaurant (hint: there's only one in town) and are waited on by Jeremy, who seems to think they are cute together because they are, extremely. He is serving them because a pissy Matt, who recently dated Caroline, doesn't want to. (Truth be told, I'd be pissy if I lived in Mystic Falls.) Jeremy, by the way, has been seeing flashes of his dead ex-girlfriends Vicki and Anna. He is hiding this from his girlfriend and witch Bonnie, whom he improbably spoke to at work via videophone, a.k.a. awkward product placement.

We want you as a new recruit.

Stefan's vampire brother Damon is soaking in a sudsy bath as his girl-toy and snack (judging by her scarves) Andie gets ready for work. It might be a small step up for Damon to not compel Andie to bring him wine. In the bath. Instead, he saunters to the bedroom nude and sudsy. Elena is wandering around, embarrassed to spot a naked Damon. She throws him a towel and discusses her plans for finding Stefan. Damon appears sardonic and unhopeful.

Yet, is he ever as callous as he appears? He and Alaric venture out on a lead investigative reporter Andie has given them. Alaric sweetly wonders why the little Gilberts haven't kicked him out yet. Hello, dude, they need you. Then, yikes. They venture into the house the two rippers happened upon at the beginning of this episode. There are streaks of blood across the house and bloody handprints. Sitting on the couch are the two girls. Damon explains to an alarmed Alaric that this is Stefan's signature, as though Stefan is an anonymous serial killer. He blacks out, kills, and then feels remorse, thus putting the bodies back together. You heard that right, BACK TOGETHER. Heads, arms, feet - they all come off when he chows down.

Elena, Caroline, and Tyler chat about Stefan and Damon before the hotness overload that is Tyler and Caroline's conversation arrives. They discuss how they are always so horny they want to explode. It’s a vampire thing. And a werewolf thing. They stare at each other, but Caroline pretends she hopes Tyler gets lucky with a slutty date.

Neither of us is drunk enough for this conversation.

Ironically, Damon covers Stefan's tracks, for once, by burning the bodies, in a detached manner, mind you. Stefan meanwhile is playing wolfbane darts with (as in, throwing poisonous darts at) the poor werewolf as Klaus watches in pleasure. Klaus hears that Damon is still following them, but Stefan convinces Klaus to let him try to get Damon off their trail. Klaus knows he will come back because Stefan’s in his service. Klaus seems disappointed and asks him if he is having at least a bit of fun. Yeah, this relationship isn’t kinky at all.

Just friends, I tell you. Eye sex, naked time, and discussion of lust doesn't mean anything.

Back at the mansion, Damon tells Elena it’s her party, she can cry if she wants to, before giving her back her vervain necklace. They both look sad and seem to consider drowning their grief in one another. Note: I liked the music at Elena's party and the music in season one. I prefer the edgier, angstier choices to the emo, whiny, and corny songs they had in season two and in parts of this episode.

Countdown to makeout time... 3, 2, 1...

Elena may not want to be around people, but Caroline is throwing a killer party. They disapprove of the stoner den, where Jeremy mentions to Matt his problems, without elaborating. Matty the fool is angry at Caroline. Alaric gets the best line so far with something to the effect of, “I am every parent’s worst nightmare. I am the chaperone from hell.” Damon, of course, loves high school parties. (But how gross would it be to go to one?I have no desire to. And I could probably pass for a high schooler, sadly.) Alaric quivers at the thought of responsibility when Elena wants him to talk to Jeremy about his drug habits. (She says this as she drinks underage – just saying). Damon tells Alaric to, "drink more, it will feel less weird."

Andie is the last one at work, once again. Not Andie! You know this isn't going to turn out well. Stefan unnecessarily terrorizes her a bit in his plan to get Damon off his trail. Damon arrives and looks for Andie, in order to bring her back home. Stefan's lines obviously echo Damon's first: "Hello, brother." Stefan seems to be partly faking his evil self at this point, but the role reversal is still there. Damon tells Stefan that his threatening of Andie is not cool, and Stefan replies, “No, it’s a little bit cool. Don’t you think?” He compels Andie to jump from a rafter. She dies upon impact, and Stefan tells Damon to leave him alone.

At the party, Matt and Jeremy bond over pot. They decide to go home, but Matt is too high to find his car, and Jeremy is too seeing-ghosts to drive. (By the way - Matt is amazing when he is high.) Vicki and Anna seem more sad than anything else, asking Jeremy to help. They walk to Jeremy's and give into the munchies. Jeremy confides more about Vicki, and Matt notes that he misses his sister Vicki so much, he thinks he sees her sometimes. But ghosts are somewhat preposterous, of course. Even though he knows about werewolves and vampires.

My brother is doing pot (says the disapproving underage girl consuming booze)!

Caroline gets drunk and compels Tyler's sluty date to leave, leaving hanging. Until they kiss, making me pump my fists in the air multiple times. Then they have incredible vampire/werewolf sex, apparently in Tyler's bedroom. The next morning, Caroline tries to leave, not zooming around like a regular vampire, though. This allows Tyler's horrible mom Mrs. Lockwood to catch Caroline unawares with a vervained purse and vervain darts.

Rewind: Elena says that her birthday wish is to know Stefan is alive. She discovers that Damon has been tracking Klaus. She confronts Damon when he returns after witnessing Andie's death. He actually doesn't drink, a sign something is really wrong. He blurts out that he's been tracking Stefan's victims, not Klaus's, and he doesn't think Stefan is coming back. Intense. Damon stalks off and a fit, breaking everything but his best guitar. He apparently cares deeply about his brother going bad, his love’s broken heart, and his sort-of-girlfriend’s death. Elena returns home to find Alaric lamely moving out, mumbling something about being a bad role model. He is now.

Elsewhere, Klaus feeds the werewolf his blood and kills him, hoping to turn him into a were-vampire. He also asserts that Stefan isn’t completely gone. He sexily whispers into Stefan’s ear that you never stop caring about family, but the blood helps. Stefan walks outside to have a moment of angst before calling Elena, whom Klaus thinks is dead! After a tense moment (Elena's phone is on vibrate), she picks up. Stefan can't say anything, so Elena intuits that it's him and just tells him he’ll be okay, hold onto her love, and never let it go. He, and I'm sure many viewers, cry.