The Birthday (Season 3, Episode 1)

'Sup?

In the early morning hours of Elena's birthday, two men come across an unusually attractive pair of girls. One of the men's fake American accent is equally jarring. The appearance of these rippers, vampire/werewolf Klaus and vampire Stefan, is a welcome opening, but the acting of the two ladies in question is rather lame. After the vampire massacres the ladies, they head over to a bar. Klaus likes to surprise people at bars. He chats up a nervous werewolf and notes that that Stefan has eerily hypnotized everyone in the bar. So there's no point in trying anything.

Elena rises and wakes up her brother Jeremy, who looks nothing like he's just been sleeping. Their history teacher Alaric has crashed on the couch, and this isn't creepy. It is, in fact, adorable, especially since every guardian they've ever had has died. After this recent tragedy and the disappearance of Elena's boyfriend Stefan, a somber Elena is still determined to find out whether her boyfriend is alive or dead.

She tells Caroline that she doesn't want a big party. Caroline just tells her to dress up and hangs up on her at the appearance of Tyler. They both light up. The two have lunch at some unspecified restaurant (hint: there's only one in town) and are waited on by Jeremy, who seems to think they are cute together because they are, extremely. He is serving them because a pissy Matt, who recently dated Caroline, doesn't want to. (Truth be told, I'd be pissy if I lived in Mystic Falls.) Jeremy, by the way, has been seeing flashes of his dead ex-girlfriends Vicki and Anna. He is hiding this from his girlfriend and witch Bonnie, whom he improbably spoke to at work via videophone, a.k.a. awkward product placement.

We want you as a new recruit.

Stefan's vampire brother Damon is soaking in a sudsy bath as his girl-toy and snack (judging by her scarves) Andie gets ready for work. It might be a small step up for Damon to not compel Andie to bring him wine. In the bath. Instead, he saunters to the bedroom nude and sudsy. Elena is wandering around, embarrassed to spot a naked Damon. She throws him a towel and discusses her plans for finding Stefan. Damon appears sardonic and unhopeful.

Yet, is he ever as callous as he appears? He and Alaric venture out on a lead investigative reporter Andie has given them. Alaric sweetly wonders why the little Gilberts haven't kicked him out yet. Hello, dude, they need you. Then, yikes. They venture into the house the two rippers happened upon at the beginning of this episode. There are streaks of blood across the house and bloody handprints. Sitting on the couch are the two girls. Damon explains to an alarmed Alaric that this is Stefan's signature, as though Stefan is an anonymous serial killer. He blacks out, kills, and then feels remorse, thus putting the bodies back together. You heard that right, BACK TOGETHER. Heads, arms, feet - they all come off when he chows down.

Elena, Caroline, and Tyler chat about Stefan and Damon before the hotness overload that is Tyler and Caroline's conversation arrives. They discuss how they are always so horny they want to explode. It’s a vampire thing. And a werewolf thing. They stare at each other, but Caroline pretends she hopes Tyler gets lucky with a slutty date.

Neither of us is drunk enough for this conversation.

Ironically, Damon covers Stefan's tracks, for once, by burning the bodies, in a detached manner, mind you. Stefan meanwhile is playing wolfbane darts with (as in, throwing poisonous darts at) the poor werewolf as Klaus watches in pleasure. Klaus hears that Damon is still following them, but Stefan convinces Klaus to let him try to get Damon off their trail. Klaus knows he will come back because Stefan’s in his service. Klaus seems disappointed and asks him if he is having at least a bit of fun. Yeah, this relationship isn’t kinky at all.

Just friends, I tell you. Eye sex, naked time, and discussion of lust doesn't mean anything.

Back at the mansion, Damon tells Elena it’s her party, she can cry if she wants to, before giving her back her vervain necklace. They both look sad and seem to consider drowning their grief in one another. Note: I liked the music at Elena's party and the music in season one. I prefer the edgier, angstier choices to the emo, whiny, and corny songs they had in season two and in parts of this episode.

Countdown to makeout time... 3, 2, 1...

Elena may not want to be around people, but Caroline is throwing a killer party. They disapprove of the stoner den, where Jeremy mentions to Matt his problems, without elaborating. Matty the fool is angry at Caroline. Alaric gets the best line so far with something to the effect of, “I am every parent’s worst nightmare. I am the chaperone from hell.” Damon, of course, loves high school parties. (But how gross would it be to go to one?I have no desire to. And I could probably pass for a high schooler, sadly.) Alaric quivers at the thought of responsibility when Elena wants him to talk to Jeremy about his drug habits. (She says this as she drinks underage – just saying). Damon tells Alaric to, "drink more, it will feel less weird."

Andie is the last one at work, once again. Not Andie! You know this isn't going to turn out well. Stefan unnecessarily terrorizes her a bit in his plan to get Damon off his trail. Damon arrives and looks for Andie, in order to bring her back home. Stefan's lines obviously echo Damon's first: "Hello, brother." Stefan seems to be partly faking his evil self at this point, but the role reversal is still there. Damon tells Stefan that his threatening of Andie is not cool, and Stefan replies, “No, it’s a little bit cool. Don’t you think?” He compels Andie to jump from a rafter. She dies upon impact, and Stefan tells Damon to leave him alone.

At the party, Matt and Jeremy bond over pot. They decide to go home, but Matt is too high to find his car, and Jeremy is too seeing-ghosts to drive. (By the way - Matt is amazing when he is high.) Vicki and Anna seem more sad than anything else, asking Jeremy to help. They walk to Jeremy's and give into the munchies. Jeremy confides more about Vicki, and Matt notes that he misses his sister Vicki so much, he thinks he sees her sometimes. But ghosts are somewhat preposterous, of course. Even though he knows about werewolves and vampires.

My brother is doing pot (says the disapproving underage girl consuming booze)!

Caroline gets drunk and compels Tyler's sluty date to leave, leaving hanging. Until they kiss, making me pump my fists in the air multiple times. Then they have incredible vampire/werewolf sex, apparently in Tyler's bedroom. The next morning, Caroline tries to leave, not zooming around like a regular vampire, though. This allows Tyler's horrible mom Mrs. Lockwood to catch Caroline unawares with a vervained purse and vervain darts.

Rewind: Elena says that her birthday wish is to know Stefan is alive. She discovers that Damon has been tracking Klaus. She confronts Damon when he returns after witnessing Andie's death. He actually doesn't drink, a sign something is really wrong. He blurts out that he's been tracking Stefan's victims, not Klaus's, and he doesn't think Stefan is coming back. Intense. Damon stalks off and a fit, breaking everything but his best guitar. He apparently cares deeply about his brother going bad, his love’s broken heart, and his sort-of-girlfriend’s death. Elena returns home to find Alaric lamely moving out, mumbling something about being a bad role model. He is now.

Elsewhere, Klaus feeds the werewolf his blood and kills him, hoping to turn him into a were-vampire. He also asserts that Stefan isn’t completely gone. He sexily whispers into Stefan’s ear that you never stop caring about family, but the blood helps. Stefan walks outside to have a moment of angst before calling Elena, whom Klaus thinks is dead! After a tense moment (Elena's phone is on vibrate), she picks up. Stefan can't say anything, so Elena intuits that it's him and just tells him he’ll be okay, hold onto her love, and never let it go. He, and I'm sure many viewers, cry.

The Vampire Diaries: The Return (Season 2, Episode 1)

One of the best episodes yet.

Disclaimer: though The Vampire Diaries is neither gritty nor grounded solely in realism, though it includes cliché lines and a ridiculously attractive cast, its plotting, consistency, and heart vault it into the realm of delightful junk food. Tastes like candy.

The second season of the CW show The Vampire Diaries got off to a roaring start. Based on the books by L. J. Smith about a teenage orphan Elena Gilbert (Nina Dobrev), her vampire boyfriend Stefan (Paul Wesley), and his wickeder vampire brother Damon (Ian Somerhalder), the first season gained a rabid following.

Not a minute has passed between the lauded finale and its premier, the title of which refers to the return of Elena’s vampiric double Katherine. Elena discovers her uncle John (David Anders) -- and biological father, too difficult to explain -- bleeding from his stomach and missing several fingers. As she calls 911, the reason for these wounds, Katherine, slinks around Elena and out the door. Upstairs, Elena’s brother Jeremy (Steve McQueen) awakens after had overdosing with vampire blood in his veins in order to become a vampire. This pivotal moment precedesThe Vampire Diaries title.

Jeremy is disappointed to discover that he is still human. In a clever twist, the vampire blood actually healed him of the pills’ effect since he didn’t ingest enough to die. Stefan, old enough to be Jeremy’s great, great, etc. grandfather, is stern (grabs his face and slaps him) when he realizes Jeremy’s intent.

At the hospital, Elena’s high school friends Bonnie (Katerina Graham) and Matt (Zach Roerig) await Matt’s girlfriend Caroline’s (Candice Accola) fate after a car crash. Somewhat soap-opera-y music and acting ensues, until Damon enters the scene and comforts Caroline’s mother Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes (Marguerite MacIntyre). Initially befriending the vampire hunting sheriff to protect himself from detection, Damon’s hugs and words of wisdom imply that he may finally have crossed the line between insincerity and genuine concern. He even feeds Caroline his salubrious blood, out of either goodness or the desire to impress Elena.

Damon shows vulnerability as he tells Elena that their kiss (featured in the previous episode) may not have meant anything to her, but he can’t forget it. Elena is clueless, for Damon in fact smooched Katherine, his manipulative ex-girlfriend and vampire sire. His realization is priceless.

Meanwhile, Katherine plays Stefan a visit, again pretending to be Elena. Stefan figures her out in a split second, puts on his scary vampire face, and attacks her. John’s assault gave Stefan a heads up, but Damon had an entire conversation and makeout session with Katherine without suspecting anything.

When Damon and Elena return, Katherine easily throws Stefan to the floor and escapes. Damon masks his fear with a few insouciant lines about what happened when he thought Katherine was Elena: “To risk creating a frown line encroaching on a very crowded forehead, we kissed.” Stefan, of course, is not pleased, but Elena says they can fight another time. Stefan wants to divine Katherine’s plan, but Damon says that ignoring her will draw her out.

Thanks to Damon’s blood, Caroline wakes to utter the words, “Jersey Shore is on!” Matt and Caroline kiss, Bonnie tears up, and they giggle and profess their love for one another. (The scene is actually adorably believable.)

At the Lockwoods’ wake (or gathering, judging by everyone’s attire), Caroline Lockwood is furious at Sheriff Forbes about her husband Mayor Lockwood’s death. The sheriff notes that the mayor helped John carry out his “idiot plan,” which involved downing vampires with a special device and then burning them. The mayor and his son Tyler (Michael Trevino) were affected in the process, and the mayor was thrown in with the vampires.

Tyler greets his dull uncle Mason as “the black sheep,” which means, considering his relatives, he is either terrible or wonderful. Luckily for vampires, the Lockwoods find it necessary to meet their guests at the door, and Tyler also invites Katherine in, thinking she’s Elena wearing an inappropriately sexy outfit. Katherine gives an evil little smile.

Elena and Stefan visit John in the hospital. He is miraculously alive but understandably startled by Elena’s visage. Elena assures him she isn’t Katherine and asks him what he knows. He claims ignorance and refuses to answer questions in Stefan the vampire’s presence. Elena storms out, but now that Katherine’s here, Stefan isn’t messing around. He threatens John with a fate worse than death: he will turn him into a vampire if he doesn’t leave town. Stefan voices his own self loathing when he tells John he will “watch him hate himself more than he already does.”

Back at the Lockwood’s, Bonnie (who is a witch, by the way - minor detail) and Damon jab at and threaten one another. Their conversation ends when she, cutely cocky with her improving witch powers, gives him a vampire headache. She then runs off to complain about Damon to Katherine who pretends to be Elena by overemphasizing that Damon is “awful.” But when Bonnie touches Katherine, she senses something and runs off to call Elena. Elena’s response: “I know I’m late.” Gasp!

Katherine introduces herself to Bonnie before choking her and demonstrating that her magic skills won’t work on her. Bonnie impresses Katherine by blowing the door open, and a very serious Stefan appears telling Katherine to back off. Stefan asks what game she’s playing; Katherine asks, “Why, do you want to play with me?” He replies, “How can I play if I don’t know the rules?” According to her, there are no rules.

Katherine observes that the Lockwoods got rich by appropriating vampire land. She flirts with Stefan and notes that his girlfriend is her twin. He says he’s not Damon, he hates her, threatens to tear her heart out – the usual ex behavior. She stabs him in the gut and states that hate sounds like “the beginning of a love story.”

Inside, Damon spots Elena and morosely says that he’s “walking on sunshine.” He explains the “doppelganger hijinks” the previous night and observes that Elena is worried Katherine will send him off the deep end. He ominously adds, “I don’t need Katherine to do that.”

Jeremy and Tyler commiserate about dead fathers, though Tyler tragically (and correctly) notes that his father was a dick. Jeremy agrees. They bond. Mason interrupts their illegal drinking but doesn’t seem to care.

Elena finds Stefan and tends to his wounds, prompting Damon’s “cover up, Fabio.” Damon switches from insecure (he warns Elena that Katherine is trying to steal her man), to self-hating (he wants Stefan to fight him), to loving (“our bond is unbreakable”). Of course, he hides all of this beneath his playful façade. Either clever or in denial, Stefan says that Katherine did not come for him. He also remarkably acknowledges that Damon kissing Elena is a sign of humanity, and he doesn’t want Katherine to destroy that by playing them against each other. Damon’s expression: inner turmoil.

John gives Jeremy a “great responsibility” speech, saying it’s inevitable that his family’s legacy of vampire hatred will take over. He also states that the rings he and his deceased brother inherited couldn’t save Jeremy’s father because his death wasn’t supernatural.

Corny music plays as Tyler breaks his father’s photos, espouses hatred (I can hardly blame him for that), and pushes his mom. Mason tackles and calms him. Tyler says he doesn’t know why he loses it and doesn’t want to be that way. Mason tells Tyler that there he has learned to control the “Lockwood curse.”

Katherine visits Damon for a goodbye kiss. Damon walks away, but Katherine tackles him and begins ripping the clothes off her “sweet, innocent Damon.” Clearly, she loves corruption and can’t take no for an answer. Damon gives in but takes a “breathing pause” to ask a question. He is willing to forget 145 years of obsession and pain to start again with her: “that’s the beauty of eternity.” She responds to this desperate plea by saying that she knows the question and answer: she never loved him, only Stefan. Dramatic music plays; Damon’s expression is heartbreaking.

Damon shows up drunk in Elena’s bedroom just doing his “part in the neighborhood watch,” once again proving he has the best lines. He proceeds to echo numerous fans (and Katherine’s comments to Stefan) by telling Elena that he knows there is something between them, but she denies this. He gets pushy and tries to kiss her, but she inadvertently says a most dangerous phrase: she loves Stefan, and always will. Jeremy enters, and Damon reminds him that he wanted to be a vampire. In an attempt to hurt Katherine, Stefan, and Elena, Damon breaks Jeremy’s neck. Elena is of course devastated as her brother falls to the ground, but soon notices the supernatural ring on his finger.

Stefan’s attitude is very different from his earlier “my brother is pure evil” mindset, for he says that Damon killed Jeremy because he saw the ring. Elena claims this isn’t true, so Stefan puts the blame on Katherine. Elena says that Damon has chosen to be hated because it’s easier, and he’s succeeded. Jeremy wakes from near death for the second time this episode, terrified and clutching at Elena.

In the hospital, Caroline wakes up to Katherine telling her to send the Salvatores a message: “Game on.” Snotty till the end, Caroline demands, “What message?” before Katherine smothers her with a pillow.