The Birthday (Season 3, Episode 1)

'Sup?

In the early morning hours of Elena's birthday, two men come across an unusually attractive pair of girls. One of the men's fake American accent is equally jarring. The appearance of these rippers, vampire/werewolf Klaus and vampire Stefan, is a welcome opening, but the acting of the two ladies in question is rather lame. After the vampire massacres the ladies, they head over to a bar. Klaus likes to surprise people at bars. He chats up a nervous werewolf and notes that that Stefan has eerily hypnotized everyone in the bar. So there's no point in trying anything.

Elena rises and wakes up her brother Jeremy, who looks nothing like he's just been sleeping. Their history teacher Alaric has crashed on the couch, and this isn't creepy. It is, in fact, adorable, especially since every guardian they've ever had has died. After this recent tragedy and the disappearance of Elena's boyfriend Stefan, a somber Elena is still determined to find out whether her boyfriend is alive or dead.

She tells Caroline that she doesn't want a big party. Caroline just tells her to dress up and hangs up on her at the appearance of Tyler. They both light up. The two have lunch at some unspecified restaurant (hint: there's only one in town) and are waited on by Jeremy, who seems to think they are cute together because they are, extremely. He is serving them because a pissy Matt, who recently dated Caroline, doesn't want to. (Truth be told, I'd be pissy if I lived in Mystic Falls.) Jeremy, by the way, has been seeing flashes of his dead ex-girlfriends Vicki and Anna. He is hiding this from his girlfriend and witch Bonnie, whom he improbably spoke to at work via videophone, a.k.a. awkward product placement.

We want you as a new recruit.

Stefan's vampire brother Damon is soaking in a sudsy bath as his girl-toy and snack (judging by her scarves) Andie gets ready for work. It might be a small step up for Damon to not compel Andie to bring him wine. In the bath. Instead, he saunters to the bedroom nude and sudsy. Elena is wandering around, embarrassed to spot a naked Damon. She throws him a towel and discusses her plans for finding Stefan. Damon appears sardonic and unhopeful.

Yet, is he ever as callous as he appears? He and Alaric venture out on a lead investigative reporter Andie has given them. Alaric sweetly wonders why the little Gilberts haven't kicked him out yet. Hello, dude, they need you. Then, yikes. They venture into the house the two rippers happened upon at the beginning of this episode. There are streaks of blood across the house and bloody handprints. Sitting on the couch are the two girls. Damon explains to an alarmed Alaric that this is Stefan's signature, as though Stefan is an anonymous serial killer. He blacks out, kills, and then feels remorse, thus putting the bodies back together. You heard that right, BACK TOGETHER. Heads, arms, feet - they all come off when he chows down.

Elena, Caroline, and Tyler chat about Stefan and Damon before the hotness overload that is Tyler and Caroline's conversation arrives. They discuss how they are always so horny they want to explode. It’s a vampire thing. And a werewolf thing. They stare at each other, but Caroline pretends she hopes Tyler gets lucky with a slutty date.

Neither of us is drunk enough for this conversation.

Ironically, Damon covers Stefan's tracks, for once, by burning the bodies, in a detached manner, mind you. Stefan meanwhile is playing wolfbane darts with (as in, throwing poisonous darts at) the poor werewolf as Klaus watches in pleasure. Klaus hears that Damon is still following them, but Stefan convinces Klaus to let him try to get Damon off their trail. Klaus knows he will come back because Stefan’s in his service. Klaus seems disappointed and asks him if he is having at least a bit of fun. Yeah, this relationship isn’t kinky at all.

Just friends, I tell you. Eye sex, naked time, and discussion of lust doesn't mean anything.

Back at the mansion, Damon tells Elena it’s her party, she can cry if she wants to, before giving her back her vervain necklace. They both look sad and seem to consider drowning their grief in one another. Note: I liked the music at Elena's party and the music in season one. I prefer the edgier, angstier choices to the emo, whiny, and corny songs they had in season two and in parts of this episode.

Countdown to makeout time... 3, 2, 1...

Elena may not want to be around people, but Caroline is throwing a killer party. They disapprove of the stoner den, where Jeremy mentions to Matt his problems, without elaborating. Matty the fool is angry at Caroline. Alaric gets the best line so far with something to the effect of, “I am every parent’s worst nightmare. I am the chaperone from hell.” Damon, of course, loves high school parties. (But how gross would it be to go to one?I have no desire to. And I could probably pass for a high schooler, sadly.) Alaric quivers at the thought of responsibility when Elena wants him to talk to Jeremy about his drug habits. (She says this as she drinks underage – just saying). Damon tells Alaric to, "drink more, it will feel less weird."

Andie is the last one at work, once again. Not Andie! You know this isn't going to turn out well. Stefan unnecessarily terrorizes her a bit in his plan to get Damon off his trail. Damon arrives and looks for Andie, in order to bring her back home. Stefan's lines obviously echo Damon's first: "Hello, brother." Stefan seems to be partly faking his evil self at this point, but the role reversal is still there. Damon tells Stefan that his threatening of Andie is not cool, and Stefan replies, “No, it’s a little bit cool. Don’t you think?” He compels Andie to jump from a rafter. She dies upon impact, and Stefan tells Damon to leave him alone.

At the party, Matt and Jeremy bond over pot. They decide to go home, but Matt is too high to find his car, and Jeremy is too seeing-ghosts to drive. (By the way - Matt is amazing when he is high.) Vicki and Anna seem more sad than anything else, asking Jeremy to help. They walk to Jeremy's and give into the munchies. Jeremy confides more about Vicki, and Matt notes that he misses his sister Vicki so much, he thinks he sees her sometimes. But ghosts are somewhat preposterous, of course. Even though he knows about werewolves and vampires.

My brother is doing pot (says the disapproving underage girl consuming booze)!

Caroline gets drunk and compels Tyler's sluty date to leave, leaving hanging. Until they kiss, making me pump my fists in the air multiple times. Then they have incredible vampire/werewolf sex, apparently in Tyler's bedroom. The next morning, Caroline tries to leave, not zooming around like a regular vampire, though. This allows Tyler's horrible mom Mrs. Lockwood to catch Caroline unawares with a vervained purse and vervain darts.

Rewind: Elena says that her birthday wish is to know Stefan is alive. She discovers that Damon has been tracking Klaus. She confronts Damon when he returns after witnessing Andie's death. He actually doesn't drink, a sign something is really wrong. He blurts out that he's been tracking Stefan's victims, not Klaus's, and he doesn't think Stefan is coming back. Intense. Damon stalks off and a fit, breaking everything but his best guitar. He apparently cares deeply about his brother going bad, his love’s broken heart, and his sort-of-girlfriend’s death. Elena returns home to find Alaric lamely moving out, mumbling something about being a bad role model. He is now.

Elsewhere, Klaus feeds the werewolf his blood and kills him, hoping to turn him into a were-vampire. He also asserts that Stefan isn’t completely gone. He sexily whispers into Stefan’s ear that you never stop caring about family, but the blood helps. Stefan walks outside to have a moment of angst before calling Elena, whom Klaus thinks is dead! After a tense moment (Elena's phone is on vibrate), she picks up. Stefan can't say anything, so Elena intuits that it's him and just tells him he’ll be okay, hold onto her love, and never let it go. He, and I'm sure many viewers, cry.