The Vampire Diaries: 1912 (Season 3, Episode 16)

A real ripper enjoys the hunt (but is dang messy).

Scene: Mystic Falls, 1912. Another Sheriff Forbes and Salvatore step out of a vampire council meeting. The Salvatore is cavalier about the recent murder of a council member, but, of course, on his way home, he is stabbed by an unseen assailant. Modern day: Mayor Lockwood orders Sheriff Forbes (another one) to tell her who the serial killer is. (I like the fact that the two council members in the past were men; these two are women.) The sheriff doesn’t want to falsely accuse anyone, but she leads the mayor into jail. Alaric is locked up.

Meredith said that Alaric came at her with a knife, forcing her to shoot and then treat him with vampire blood. She also claimed his earlier wounds could have been self-inflicted; I guess he stabbed himself, then crawled all over the house. Damon is squarely team Alaric, wanting to help prove his innocence as soon as possible. The sheriff knows he could make things worse, so she threatens to put the much more powerful vampire behind bars. How, I don’t know. Damon is hurt. This is his buddy!

The increasingly endearing Matt jogs beside Elena, complaining and telling her that she can’t run from her problems. He’s the go between for Elena and Bonnie at the moment, though Bonnie knows her mother’s “death” isn’t Elena’s fault. She just needs time. Elena blames herself. She is surprised to learn that Abby has decided to transition into a vampire, with Caroline’s assistance. Matt can’t help but worry that Elena will make him run more. She gets a call and runs to the courthouse. There she meets Damon who says he can’t do anything about Alaric. Elena is stunned, but Damon realizes that his alternative reaction is probably violence. He notes that he saved her life last night, and she says he should have some compassion for Bonnie and Abby. He just makes some sarcastic, self-pitying “I’m bad, you hate me” comments. She says he’ll end up alone if he doesn’t stop pushing people away.

I'm sorry, I had to include one picture of this hat.

Stefan bangs his ring on the table until Damon interrupts him to make fun of his guilt. And then these amazing lines come out of his mouth: “I was hoping we could hang. You know, a little brother bonding. I mean I know we don’t actually hang out. We team up, we join forces, we activate our wonder twin powers.” He browses through Stefan’s diaries recalling Zachariah’s funeral, and how he wasn’t the only council member to die that year. Stefan says he vaguely remembers this, but then he says it was 1912.

1912: Stefan attends “Uncle Zach’s” (another one?) funeral. A lady Lockwood and a lady Gilbert let him know that the founding members haven’t been faring so well. Of course Stefan is just thinking about how he ate their relatives. A crow lands on a tomb (yes!), signaling Damon’s appearance. It’s been fifty years, but he’s still bitter about Stefan killing their father and helping him turn into a vampire. In spite of wanting to stay away, he agrees to have a drink with Stefan. Modern day: Damon invites Stefan to a drink. Stefan assumes Damon is bored since his bff Alaric is in jail, but Damon also wants to solve a murder. Duh.

They make their way to—where else?—the Mystic Grill where Rebekah asks the mayor about old trees in Mystic Falls. She and Damon seriously check each other out; Rebekah doesn’t give Stefan a second glance. Damon tries to find a connection between the dead founders. He also warns his brother about going off human blood cold turkey. Rebekah learns that the Salvatore family might know about what trees were cut down, so she joins their conversation. Elsewhere, the sheriff interviews Alaric, but things do not look good. We remember Alaric didn’t remember his attack; he also didn’t really remember calling Meredith in the middle of the night. He thought it was alcoholism, but it’s likely more sinister. It’s actually pretty sad watching the sheriff want to believe in him, but Alaric’s pleas sound less and less convincing, even to himself.

I don't like this bros before hoes attitude.

Rebekah interrogates Damon about logging mills, while Damon and Stefan accuse one another of killing the council members. Zachariah, by the way, was a descendant of a liaison between their pious father and a maid. Damon and Rebekah trade barbs about how the other one does or doesn’t want great sex, over Stefan. He moves away and grabs a drink, denying a desire for human blood. This is awkward, not only because Stefan and Damon are brothers, but because Rebekah wanted to leave her beloved brother for Stefan. This does go along with Klaus’s warnings about how fickle Bekah is. Stefan reminds Damon that another vampire, Sage, was in Mystic Falls in 1912. Damon says, “Speaking of great sex…”

1912: Stefan tells Damon he’s had enough to drink and that he can teach him how to live on human blood. Poor man always wants the better path. Damon points out that Stefan is no great guide. They step into a boxing ring where a sexy lady beats the tar out of a man. She and Damon share a look, and she approaches him, taking for a “gambling man.” In spite of his protest, she puts a hundred dollar bill in his pants. Modern day: Rebekah knew a Sage, once: “trashy little thing.” The Salvatores ignore her, wondering if Sage is the culprit. Rebekah wants to know more about ye olde Salvatores, but Damon is a jerk, and he says it’s boys night, and she wasn’t invited.

Elena approaches Meredith, who says that Alaric has a violent past. Isobel filed two restraining orders against him. Elena “knows” Alaric is innocent, but Meredith says Elena dates vampires, so she shouldn’t be surprised that her guardian is a murderer. Bam. Elena pulls Matt into breaking and entering Meredith’s apartment. Behind a panel in her closet, they find a box full of files on the dead or nearly dead founding members.

Your grandpas were delicious.

Damon says he didn’t think Meredith could stab three grown men. He throws a dart which Rebekah catches as she says, “That’s a little bit sexist.” She’s pretty sure a lady could do that. I love you, Bekah. Stefan seems to have a headache. Rebekah notes he was more fun in the 1920s. Damon doesn’t want Stefan to get riled up. He and Bekah read from Stefan’s 1912 diary. In it Stefan makes hilarious statements about Damon wasting his life and choosing the wrong path. (Stefan also says, out loud, that he isn’t interested in slaughtering innocents anymore. Police?) Damon admits that he wasn’t having fun; he was just waiting for Katherine to be free.

1912: Damon mirthlessly kills a woman. Sage thinks his rote way of eating is sad. They’re supposed to relish in the pleasure of being a vampire. Damon says he’s spoken for, and Sage says they all are. Obviously she was connected to an Original. She points out the women in the back row of the boxing ring, singling out the Gilbert. She takes a page from the wicked book of seduction and says that the buttoned up women are the ones who secretly want to be seduced. Go for it and take it, because you can, she says.

Modern day: Rebekah says that sounds like the Sage she knows. Did she seduce one of her more staid brothers? Apparently! She says that Sage was obsessed over her brother Finn more than 900 years ago. Damon is stunned: “What! Creepy suicidal guy?” Stefan continues to bang his ring on the table. He says he needs to get out of there. Damon zooms up to him and grabs his collar, forcing him to admit he needs blood. Stefan says he’s ready to eat the entire wait staff. Damon says he’s feeling a little self-righteous, too. Bekah ships it.

It's all about us, all about us...

Matt and Elena find court records, differing times of deaths, and even a Gilbert diary. They hear Meredith’s steps and jump into the closet. When Matt tries to speak, Elena puts a finger over his lips. They hear Meredith walk away and, after sharing a moment, open the door. Meredith is right there! Elena and Matt sit in front of the sheriff who says that they have broken the law. Lady, you are not a law abiding citizen yourself. Meredith supposedly just got a letter correcting a time of death and apologized for accusing an innocent man. What about him coming at her with a knife? The sheriff says she can’t ask any questions about the records in her closet because the two of them found them by breaking the law. Elena is baffled.

Stefan storms off. Rebekah can’t believe that the conscienceless man she once loved can remain this way for long. Damon says he can; his stubborn brother swings from one extreme to the other. Damon grabs a pretty girl and compels her to be quiet as he feeds. He then says that Rebekah will kill the woman if Stefan doesn’t drink from her and stop. Stefan says he can’t, but he stops Rebekah from biting. He drinks until she is almost dead, lunging after her when Damon pushes her away. Damon feeds the poor woman blood, healing her. Elena and Matt walk out and see Stefan’s bloody mouth. Damon says she doesn’t need to make it any more dramatic than it needs to be. Matt does not want another broken hand, or more pain for Elena, and he drags her away. Damon admits this needs time. Stefan stalks away.

In the comfort of Elena’s kitchen, Matt asks what’s up with Elena and the vampire brothers. She says that with Stefan, at the beginning she felt safe, ironically, knowing that he would never stop loving her, would never die—like her parents. Damon snuck up on her, crept under her skin, and no matter what, she can’t shake him. (These relationships definitely sound toxic.) Matt heartbreakingly says, “Once you fall in love with someone, I don’t—I don’t know if you can ever fully shake them.” But he says it’s not really weird that they’re talking about this. He gives her the Gilbert journal, which he could steal since he is the only normal one in a town of vampires; he’s practically invisible. Dang, Matt. I like you. Alaric returns home. Elena hugs him. He says he’s okay but looks like he’s going to cry.

This is what an old timey lady boxer looks like.

Damon, I adore your twisted pep talks. Stefan broods in front of the fire. Damon says that even though it may not seem like it, Stefan did really well. Soon he will be the king of moderation. Elena will understand his road to recovery. Stefan doesn’t care, but Damon stops him short: no more “no humanity” Stefan. He wonders what Damon’s angle is, why does he care? Does he feel guilty about Elena? It was easier when Damon hated him. These bros have such issues of self-hate, amongst many other things. Stefan ridiculously says he doesn’t need Damon’s help. Damon says, uh, give me a break, yes you do.

1912: Damon tells Stefan to pick one. He stares at a bleeding boxer, but Damon points to the Lockwood. Stefan weakly says he’s not like that anymore, these are people. Damon says that it’s worth it, and it feels so good. Cut to Stefan drinking from the woman. Damon quietly says he knew he had it in him. He also tells him not to be greedy. But Stefan pushes Damon away and takes bite after bite until the lady’s head falls off. To Damon’s horror, his crazy brother freaks out, apologizes to the woman’s head, and blames Damon, before running away. So the bodies coming apart and together again are a burgeoning ripper trait.

Modern day: in a remarkable switch, Damon feels guilty for not stopping Stefan from going over the edge. Stefan says there’s nothing he could have done, but Damon says there was; he just didn’t want to. But he does now. And he will always be there to pull Stefan back from the edge “every second of every day that you don’t need me.” Stefan has tears in his eyes. Damon says that right now Stefan is all he has. This is too much. What a love story. Later, Stefan interrupts Damon’s drunk and melancholy piano playing to show him evidence he found. Samantha Gilbert confessed to committing the council murders ten years later. But Damon says that he killed her before then. Samantha’s not a vampire, but she may have had a magical ring—like Jeremy and Alaric.

Alaric tells Elena he doesn’t want her getting in trouble over him, since he’s supposed to be her guardian, though he sucks at it. She asks who else she is supposed to look after. She says Samanth, the author of the diary she’s reading, continues the line of crazy Gilberts. Meredith shows up and says that if Alaric lets her in, she can explain. In spite of everything, he has to trust her. Though Alaric says she’s psycho, he does. She says that this way, she cleared his name. Meredith explains to Alaric that the ring that makes him cheat death is causing him to kill people. Elena agrees. Samantha Gilbert’s jumbled diary describes her feelings of not being herself, losing time, and going mad. But why does it make him kill the vampire council members?

The Vampire Diaries: Homecoming (Season 3, Episode 9)

TVD promo stills wouldn't be the same without aghast faces.

Stefan calls his baby Klaus and tells him that Michael is dead. Klaus tests him because he knows Stefan is compelled to tell him the truth. Rebekah confirms this, and Klaus heads to Mystic Falls. The fact is, Michael agreed to be “killed,” the way originals are, and then resuscitated to murder Klaus. Stefan, Damon, Elena, and Rebekah are all in on it. Apparently Michael has a weapon from the original magic oak tree, instead of one simply dipped in its ash. Elena pulls the dagger out of Michael. Rebekah has an emotional reunion with her father, and not in a good way. He seems gentle with her, but she tells him that he turned them all into killers and ruined their family, including Klaus.

Elena complains that she has nothing to wear to Homecoming, and Bonnie complains that she doesn’t have a date. Elena tells her Caroline will kill them if they don’t go, but she offers an ear to Bonnie’s boyfriend problems. Bonnie points out that she doesn’t want to badmouth Elena’s brother to her, even if Elena is on her side. Elena shouldn’t have to get as angry at Jeremy as Bonnie is. Elena then joins Damon in preparing vervain grenades. She frets about the plan and questions Rebekah’s loyalty. Damon says he has a secret plan and is interrupted by Stefan who wants a tie. Elena worries that Stefan will be forced to give away their plan. He says that their plans are always epic failures and this is usually due to letting one’s humanity get in the way, something he will not do. I never knew Stefan was so cynical. I like it.

Stefan, you're the only one who really cares about me. Oh wait...

Rebekah weirdly says that she never had time for high school dances. In, what, the 19^th century? The statuesque Claire Holt does an excellent job of portraying her shock and grief over killing her brother, whom she’s “loved and hated in equal measure.” Rebekah also tells Elena not to trust Michael, who is “not a good person.” No one in her family can be trusted. Elena says she looks amazing and gives her the original necklace. Rebekah is touched. Elena literally stabs her in the back because she can’t leave anything to chance. Elena is totally badass and hardcore here, even though she shows regret. (I really wanted Rebekah to go to the dance, and I feel so bad for her and a little angry at Elena, even though I know it’s irrational…)

Elena worries that she is the weak link since she feels so bad about staking Rebekah. Damon says she has nothing to worry about. Also, he doesn’t trust Michael or Stefan. He won’t tell Elena his plan, but he wants her out of the way. He asks if she trusts him. Without hesitating, she says yes. So he says she has nothing to worry about. Elsewhere, Caroline and Tyler decorate a car with glitter and paint. He asks if they can drink from humans who like to be fed on. She says no, obviously, and tells him to stop hanging out with Rebekah. He says he set her up with Matt since Rebekah’s hot and Matt’s on vervain. Caroline is concerned for Matt’s safety and Tyler’s loyalty. Tyler says if he’s sired to anyone, it’s Caroline. The proof: glitter on his hands.

This is not my party, so I can't cry, even if I want to.

Later that night, Caroline is distraught: the school has been flooded and homecoming cancelled. Tyler will move the party to his house. Elena tells Matt he needs a backup date. Caroline complains about Tyler’s ability to set up a party this quickly. She then realizes that she doesn’t recognize the guests. Stefan arrives and talks to Tyler, who says that this is actually a wake, set up by Klaus. He announces his thanks to everyone on stage for this long-time-coming event.

I actually like this band. Elena and Matt try not to let Caroline in on their plan, but they act completely suspicious. Elena tries to be tough. Matt and Caroline also comment on how weird it is that the two of them are at this dance together. Klaus notices that Rebekah isn’t there. He tells Stefan to bring Michael’s body to him. Stefan asks for his freedom in return. Klaus says he will give it to him “with pleasure” and wake up his siblings.

Are those giant letters behind Klaus?

The suave Michael shows Damon the dagger, says he’ll hold onto it instead of giving it to Damon, and threatens to drink from Damon. Katherine apparently told Damon about Michael’s carnivorous ways. Michael said he’s learned to feed on the predator instead of the innocent. Damon is a wee bit unnerved. Stefan walks in and tells them the deal. Damon says that Stefan isn’t part of the plan and Michael pounces on Stefan and drinks his blood. Poor child! Damon would have preferred a clean neck snap, but he follows Michael out, while looking sympathetically at his brother.

Klaus has a whole new group of slaves now. Perhaps this is why he’d give Stefan his freedom. Klaus tells Tyler to warn his friends not to retaliate against him because, by the way, he has an army of hybrids. Klaus, why can you be so smooth sometimes? Tyler confronts Caroline who tells him she knows nothing. She also says she wouldn’t tell him if she did. He vervains her. Klaus startles Elena (but he looks good in a suit). He says he’s impressed. She quips that this isn’t the first time she’s staked an original. He tells her to just try to kill him because it’s not going to work.

Miss Mystic Falls, 400 years and counting.

Damon arrives and rips the heart out of a hybrid. Nice! L Tyler tells Matt that he’s protecting Caroline. He states that he and the hybrids can’t fight against their desire to protect Klaus. He tells Matt to get Caroline and everyone out. Damon and Tyler the hybrid begin to fight in a private room and Bonnie mindwhammies them to prevent either one’s death. Damon has the special dagger since he’s the only one who can get into the Lockwood house. A hybrid informs Klaus that Michael is at the door. Klaus is ticked. He confronts his father from the safety of his house. His hybrids surround Michael, even ripping him apart won’t kill him. Michael has discovered that the hybrids can be compelled because they’re not all werewolf. One of the hybrids threatens Elena. Poor Klaus (I just wrote that) is teary eyed as his father degrades him.

Well, this is going up there with other epic TVD scenes. Michael threatens Elena and continues to laugh in Klaus’s face as Klaus says Michael can kill Elena. It’s so bad being at the mercy of these two. Michael says that Klaus has no friends he hasn’t forced and he can never be great only because of his impulse. Michael stabs Elena in the back as she falls to the ground. Klaus gasps. But then Elena pops up – it’s Katherine! She smiles and adorably says, “Ba-boom,” before throwing vervain grenades at the hybrids. (This was Katherine the whole time then – she is also afraid of Klaus.) At the same time, Damon attacks Klaus from behind, missing his heart and stabbing him in the stomach. (Won’t this kill Damon? Maybe not.) They struggle before Stefan pushes Damon and saves Klaus, who then leaps on his father and stabs him in the heart. Michael burns into nothing. Damon stares at Stefan aghast. Klaus says Stefan has earned his freedom. In a very romantic moment, Klaus grants Stefan his freedom and says, “Thank you, my friend.”

This one goes out to the one I love...

This scene tears me apart. Caroline wakes up and gets angry at Tyler. He says he was protecting her. She notes that he isn’t in control and he’s sired to the bad guy. He says it’s who he is, and she has to accept it. He never was in control and now he never has to undergo a horrible transformation again. Her expression indicates that she just can’t be with him. Oh Tyler and Caroline. Damon is also distraught. He planned for everything. Elena grabs his face and says they will get through this. Damon says Stefan is never coming back. She says they’ll let him go, then. Katherine calls and compliments him on his plan, in spite of its failure. He even says take care. Reveal: Stefan is in the car with Katherine. She says Damon will never know what went wrong. She wants to get as far away from Klaus as possible.

Apparently, Klaus said that if he died, his hybrids will kill Damon. Katherine loves Damon more than she fears and hates Klaus, so she helps Stefan and convinces him to save Klaus. Or he can die and they will be free. She also claims to want to save Stefan’s soul because she likes the old him. Then she says she wants him to get bad/mad (not sure which one). Klaus calls his staked sister for a family reunion. Stefan calls, and Klaus asks if he misses him already. Stefan says that he actually wants revenge. He and Katherine have whisked away Klaus’s family members. Klaus threatens to kill Stefan and everyone he loves, and Stefan says Klaus will never see his family again. Please don’t let this be the end of Klefan!

The Vampire Diaries: Ghost World (Season 3, Episode 7)

Jeremy, why do you date supernatural creatures? Gross!

Damon wakes up chained to a chair, with a poker in his chest. He thinks it is Stefan, but we see the ghost of Mason staring him down. Stefan finds Damon and is amused, but insists that he didn’t do this “pretty messed up” act. (Stefan’s comment is reminiscent of Katherine calling Gloria “creepy.”) Stefan pulls out the poker and takes off one of the chains, but he leaves him be otherwise. The apparently invisible Mason’s expression reads, “These brothers have a VERY complicated relationship.” He tortures Damon with sunlight. Stefan either doesn’t hear or care about his brother’s cries of pain.

Head of the history department (a dreaded Fell) follows the mayor’s prelude about Mystic Falls’ rich history. Alaric is forcing Jeremy to share his boredom, or he will fail him. Invisible ghost Anna makes fun of this version of history. She and Jeremy hold hands as he smiles but looks around warily. Elsewhere at the event, Bonnie tells Caroline that Jeremy still has a direct connection to Anna and the other side as long as he wants to. Damon shows up and lets Bonnie know that the ghost of Mason has been avenging himself: “When I kill someone, they’re supposed to stay dead.” Matt observes.

Elena wants Jeremy to try to contact Lexi to get Stefan back to normal. Jeremy says contacting ghosts is more complicated than that. Alaric points out that contacting ghosts could be a mistake. He points out that they supposedly can’t interact with the living, but Vicki blew up his car. When did Alaric get so funny? Bonnie interrogates poor Matt, hoping that Vicki is the only one with a foothold in this world. There is a bit of lingering tension between Matt, Bonnie, and Caroline, his ex-girlfriend. Suddenly Bonnie’s grimoire opens to a page describing to how to make ghosts tangible.

Anna tells Jeremy that some supernatural beings, possibly including Lexi, find peace. Elena is startled by the revelation that Anna is there, but Anna tells Jeremy to lie that she isn’t. Alaric wants Elena to drop it; he notes that he doesn’t want to think about all the ghost vampires watching over them, hehe. Stefan stops by, repeating that he has to protect Elena, he doesn’t care anymore, and they need to move on. He also makes a joke about eating all the people at a gathering tonight. Elena is horrified, but Stefan says he’s kidding. Alaric’s unsurprised face just says, “I hate vampires.”

Anna, I know when I was with you, I loved someone else who was dead. But now that you're dead, and I'm with someone else, I love you!

Bonnie takes Caroline to the place where Jeremy was brought back to life. It’s cute that Caroline, a vampire, is spooked by the idea of ghost-witches. Bonnie gets into the witch zone and Caroline looks warily at the blowing cobwebs, heh. Caroline is scared of Bonnie’s magic (has she never seen her do this before? I guess she always has been disbelieving) and suddenly—Grams appears! Awesome. Is this the episode where we get to see every character who died?

Jeremy is suspicious of Anna. She swears that he needs to trust her. Is she untrustworthy or just lonely? In spite of his reluctance, he “cheats” on Bonnie by kissing the air—I mean, Anna. Elena walks into the bathroom and sees Jeremy and Anna making out. Outside, Stefan walks along and spots Lexi. Damon approaches Alaric at the bar (their place), and Alaric protests that Damon has problems, the two of them aren’t friends, and he doesn’t like Damon anymore. But Damon reminds him that they conspired to successfully kill Mason Lockwood. Mason then appears. He takes a swig of whisky and breaks the glass over Damon’s head.

I love you Lexi. Stefan is confused as to why his dead friend is here, and he tells her that he doesn’t want her help. Lexi says that’s what he always says and smacks his head against the car. No one notices. In the creepy house, Bonnie cries as Miss Sheila explains that the original witch, I assume, cracked open the door to the other side when Bonnie sent Vicki back. Witches make the rules and talk with one another. Now it is Bonnie’s duty to set things right. Her grandmother does not, however, want her to get mixed up with original vampires. Oops.

Caroline updates Elena who scolds Jeremy for kissing Anna. Elena’s necklace apparently needs to be destroyed. Lexi interrupts Elena’s mission and tells her to follow her for a ripper detox lesson. She takes Elena to a chained up Stefan. Lexi uses some sort of ghost magic (?) to speed up the process of starving a vampire. Stefan starves, but he looks fine. Elena phones Caroline, asking to hold off on sending the ghosts back. Caroline lets it slip that they will all deal with their boyfriend problems later. She admits to Bonnie that Anna kissed Jeremy. The two ladies are determined to send that bitch back. Why do I find their almost wicked determination vaguely amusing?

Elena, you have serious problems, says the fellow who rips people's heads off.

Alert hilarious scene of awesomeness: Mason drinks on either Damon’s or Alaric’s tab and demands an apology. Damon tells Alaric to go to the back of the revenge-against-Damon line. Alaric laughs and urges Damon to apologize. Mason accepts Damon’s difficultly wrought almost-apology. Mason wants to help Tyler, but Damon says no one can help him while Klaus is alive which is, “like, always.” Mason says that there is a weapon that can kill Klaus. Mason leads Damon into a Lockwood cellar/cave and says that there is a legendary weapon that can kill Klaus. Newsflash: you know how the ladies love Stefan, no matter how he treats them? The men Damon’s murdered are exactly the same with Damon.

Jeremy searches for Anna and bumps into that a-hole vampire Frederick. Are you kidding me, the tomb vamps are here? Alaric gives a little speech, and the crowd looks up to see that very Fell bloodied, dead, and tied to a tree. Frederick smiles at Anna. Nearby, Stefan pleads for Elena’s help and says he loves her. When Elena says she is helping him, he says he wishes he never met her and every moment together was a waste. Lexi says not to pay any attention to him. She then starts to stab him to make him see past the blood and feel something. Elena can’t deal with it and runs outside.

Caroline and Bonnie unsuccessfully search for the necklace. Jeremy calls. Caroline says she thinks Anna took the necklace. Jeremy says he believes Anna didn’t, so she calls him an idiot and says he might lose everything (harsh even according to Bonnie, based on her expression). Jeremy looks around; Anna has gone. He tells Elena that he loves Anna, he’s always loved Anna. Elena says that his love isn’t real because Anna is a ghost. She sees Anna and says that she is holding Jeremy back and she knows it. Anna holds up the necklace. Elena is ready to take care of business. Elena is right (if hypocritical), but this scene is so sad.

Mason knows that Damon will do anything for his brother. He leads him deeper into the cave. Then, stakes fly into Damon from every direction. Poor baby! Suddenly I like Mason a lot more. He helps a completely incredulous Damon and tells him that he doesn’t need revenge. The loneliness and regret on the other side shows him that what he needs is redemption. He wants to help Tyler. Damon can’t continue any further because he’s not invited into this part of the cave. Hm. He has to trust Mason. Trust, as we all know, is not Damon’s forte.

Anna has never lied to me before, so, yes, I believe her!

Caroline and Bonnie are on their way home when Caroline somehow recognizes Frederick. Or perhaps she just connects the dots. Mrs. Lockwood’s car is on the wayside. She steps out and heads towards Frederick after ordering Bonnie to go home and send the ghosts back. Anna tells Jeremy that she stole the necklace partly in hopes of finding her mother. She fears that there is no peace. Jeremy says that he believes there is and he won’t let her be alone. Heartbreaking!

Some version of This Woman’s Work plays as Bonnie and her grandmother say a spell. Jeremy returns the necklace. The adorable Caroline kicks vampire ass left and right until they disappear. Just as Mason is about to tell Damon what he’s found, he disappears. Lexi continues to stab a stubborn Stefan, but she says she needs more time. Lexi tells Elena that Stefan is still in there if they break through. Elena says she knows what to do and Lexi can be free. Lexi disappears. Elena is about to leave, making Stefan think that she’s given up. She grabs his face (unsafe!) and says that she hasn’t given up. But he needs to find hope, or he will lose her forever. She took to heart her speech to Jeremy about not loving ghosts.

Oh dear. I might be crying. Anna spots her mother Pearl; they embrace and cry. Before disappearing, Miss Sheila tells Bonnie that she is proud of her, and Bonnie is stronger than all of this. Jeremy tries to explain, but Bonnie says that Matt was able to let go of his sister before Jeremy was able to let go of Anna. He loses. To be fair, Bonnie is the one who saved his life. She sends him away. Then the fireplace sparks, and she sees the necklace lying there, intact.

Alaric joins Damon in the cave. Damon says that Alaric and Elena are the only humans he trusts. He also tells Alaric to get over the fact that he killed him since Mason did. Alaric rightly says he shouldn’t have to, but Damon recycles his Mason “apology,” says he didn’t mean it with Mason, and gives Alaric the eye thing. Alaric helps him out. Alaric tells Damon that he found something—he has no idea what. It’s some sort of writing on the walls. And something lives—or lived—there. Hm. What is this original speak?

I didn't steal the necklace to stay with you, btw. No hard feelings.

The Vampire Diaries: The Reckoning (Season 2, Episode 5)

Warning: episode more badass and batshit than stills would have you believe.

Shots of a darkened school are edited to the sound of a clinking machine. Matt is working out all by his lonesome. He hears and sees something. After wandering around, he steps on a mousetrap, setting off a series of mousetraps. Surprise! It’s his friends, forced into senior prank night by the spirited vampire Caroline. Her werewolf boyfriend Tyler is totally on her side, the witch Bonnie and human Elena are less enthusiastic, and Matt echoes my sentiments by stating that he is surprised that anyone cares about senior prank night after they’ve been nearly killed countless times by supernatural creatures. Elena leaves to glue history teacher and vampire hunter Alaric’s desk shut. Caroline shouts, “I love you!” and Tyler instructs a group of boys to join him. Elena smiles for once, until she rounds a corner and comes face to face with the most supernatural and evil one of all: Klaus. She tries to run, but why even bother? He simply notes, “You were supposed to be dead.”

Cue awesome music. Vampire Damon is driving vampire Katherine along an open road. He gets annoyed and tells her to stop being cute. She awesomely replies, “Not possible.” Damon notes that he and Mystic Falls/Elena are on a break. Katherine makes her move, smooching Damon while he’s driving. Damon then revels in shoving her away and saying that she doesn’t do it for him anymore. He eventually pulls over and chucks the keys in the bushes, demanding that Katherine fill him in. She pulls out Elena’s necklace, stating that Klaus wants it. She also says that she found out something even better. Katherine opens the trunk to reveal an unconscious Jeremy, Elena’s ghost-seeing brother. Damon’s hilarious reaction is a deadpan, “Jeremy? Really?” but he looks concerned.

Vampire Stefan wakes up. Original vampire/werewolf Klaus has been breaking his neck all day. Klaus’s original vampire sister Rebekah says that she knows the doppelganger is still alive and hopes for her death. Stefan attacks her. Rebekah says, “consider me jealous” as she beats down Stefan. Playing the siblings was a dangerous game, but what else could Stefan do? Inside, Klaus drags Elena through the corridors saying that he only wanted to be a hybrid to make more hybrids. Elena tells him to kill her already, but he says he wants to be certain of something, and he has ways of making her suffer. Because she hasn’t suffered enough in her life. Klaus waltzes into a gym filled with pranking seniors and tells them they’re busted. Remarkably obedient, they all leave, except for Dana and another student. Klaus recognizes them. He compels Dana to lift her foot up and the boy to beat her to death if she drops it. Elena gets points for scolding Klaus: “You don’t have to hurt anybody.” But this is Klaus, “Of course, I do, love.”

We be pranking.

Tyler and Caroline are still the best. Caroline worries about Matt, Tyler says he loves how big her heart is and continues to kiss her, even as he ponders whether his friend Matt has anyone to talk with. He also says he is happy. So of course Rebekah interrupts them and agrees with me by calling them adorable. She calls out Tyler as a werewolf. Caroline steps in to protect him, but Rebekah bares her fangs and strikes. (Is Tyler going to be the second hybrid? Is he going to be the test?)

Matt and Bonnie share a sweet moment. It is hysterical that Matt thinks he actually has to explain why he isn’t into senior prank night. Bonnie and he discuss their weird lives and reveal that they both know that Vicki is a ghost. In a tense scene (hasn’t he seen any horror movies?), Matt goes into a bathroom alone, systematically opening and closing doors. The door on a stall on which “RIP Vicki Donavon” is written opens by itself. We see a glimpse of Vicki saying, “I’m here, Matt. I can help.” But Matt does not seem to hear her.

Klaus is still making sure Dana doesn’t drop her foot. The other boy watches dispassionately. Klaus tells Elena that Stefan is on a time out (hah). Bonnie and Matt stumble in. Klaus nonchalantly comments that he wondered when she’d turn up. Matt’s expression says, “Who the eff is this guy?” Klaus nags at Bonnie, and Rebekah drags Tyler in. Klaus introduces her as a mean one; she tells him not to be an arse. Klaus feeds Tyler his blood, cracks his neck, and demands that Bonnie help Tyler. Because either he will die a horrible death or he will become a hybrid. D: Either of those options is a huge game-changer. Klaus is all lulz.

Why were they sitting there with the lights out?

Again, the dialog is on fire this episode. Katherine says one can kill Klaus so he is for realz dead. Damon says Katherine is more likely a desperate, lying drunk. Apparently Pearl (whom Damon vividly remembers) told Anna how to kill Klaus, but she wouldn’t tell Katherine. Jeremy wakes up and connects the dots. Katherine and Damon are bored waiting for Anna’s ghost to appear. She finally does, but she doesn’t want to help the two, and who can blame her? At Kat’s advising, Damon roughs up Jeremy. Immediately Anna says that they are looking for Michael, a vampire who hunts vampires. Yet he would kill all of them if they woke him.

This music is scary! Outside, Stefan awakens, again, and pulls a crowbar out of his torso. In the gym, Elena explains to Matt that Tyler isn’t really dead, at least not for now. Klaus latches onto Elena and invades her bubble. Rebekah snipes that she isn’t as pretty as the original doppelganger before sauntering off in saucy high heels, dragging Tyler’s body behind her. Stefan lies by approaching Klaus and saying that Elena means nothing to him; he will do what Klaus wants. Elena says no, but Klaus backhands her. Klaus tells Stefan to kill the two students. OF COURSE, Stefan attacks Klaus. Stefan, you suck at this double dealing stuff. But again, what else can he do? Klaus has the same attitude; he doesn’t believe Stefan’s promises. Trouble in paradise! Klaus mentions their beautiful summer together and compels Stefan to stop fighting. Stefan pleads with him. Klaus says all he wanted was his allegiance, but he is being forced to compel Stefan to do whatever he says. Elena’s all, “What?” Klaus says, “Now kill them. RIPPAH.” And Stefan kills Dana.

I’m afraid I like the vain Rebekah. She tells Caroline that Tyler is dead-ish but will become a hybrid, as she browses through Caroline’s phone photos. She cringes at one of Elena and Stefan until she realizes Elena is wearing her necklace. Elena, meanwhile, watches Stefan feed. Klaus tries to convince her that this is who Stefan is. Klaus then compels Stefan to eat Elena if Bonnie doesn’t help him in 20 minutes. Rebekah barges in and almost kills Elena, revealing that she had her necklace. Klaus isn’t too surprised that “Katerina” now has it. You in danger, girl.

Power team! Or not?

Bonnie and Matt have a revelation: if Bonnie can contact Jeremy, maybe she can reach the dead witches. Matt finds his clothes scattered about and his keys at the bottom of a pool. Vicki still can’t reach him, so she kicks his shoe in the water and texts him. Matt tells Bonnie that Vicki might be able to help, but Bonnie says Jeremy is the solution. I love that Matt is helping, but then he says: bring me back from the dead, so I can see ghosts, too. No magic necessary, only CPR. GASP! I don’t want to watch Matt drown! Matt grabs something heavy and jumps in the pool. Bonnie runs her ass off and pulls Matt out of the pool. Who directed this crazy episode?

In a really intense scene, Stefan freaks out, Mystic Falls style. He is sarcastic with Elena while explaining that as a ripper, when humans speak, all he hears are beating hearts. The more he gets, the more he wants. O_O She says that Caroline’s dad could somehow not be compelled, and Stefan at least owes her his love. She really stands up to him in spite of his psychosis. He admits that her love has kept him holding on, but he’s almost certain he won’t be able to hold on anymore if he bites her. And this is not Edward Cullen style concern here. This is, “If I get anywhere near you, if I get a taste of your blood, YOU ARE DEAD.”

Tyler gasps to life. Rebekah plays with Caroline’s phone and checks Klaus’s timer. They explain to Tyler his predicament. Near the pool, I’m liking Bonnie and Matt’s scenes together. She desperately tries to resuscitate him, while he receives a message from Vicki. SUCCESS! He coughs up water and awakens.

Bonnie threatens to kill Matt (again), but Matt says that Vicki’s message is that the doppelganger has to be dead for the hybrids to live. Klaus hears them; he thinks Tyler won’t die, since he chooses hybrids over doppelgangers every time. Damn, why are Rebekah and Klaus so funny?

Sweat, pool water, and Bonnie's saliva, all in one episode.

Time is up. Elena tells Stefan she loves him. Stefan holds off as long as possible and orders Elena to run, in spite of her danger. Stefan hilariously slows himself down by running into lockers. Unfortunately, Elena runs right into Klaus, who holds her close in the darkness and smiles as he says quietly, “We’ve got to stop meeting like this.” Stefan breaks a broom and stabs himself. Klaus is amused by the one thing stronger than his desire for blood: his love for Elena. Klaus and Stefan have a lovers’ brawl. Klaus demands that Stefan turn it off. It seems as though Klaus only wants to use compulsion as a last option, which he finally does. This episode is killing me. Stefan gets all veiny and smiley, and when he’s ordered to, he bites Elena. Damn.

I never would have guessed Tyler would become the first hybrid. Klaus somehow intuits that they should NOT kill the doppelganger. On the contrary, they should use her blood to turn the werewolves. Klaus gives Tyler Elena’s blood. He drinks it, rolls around, and reveals a face that looks part werewolf, part vampire. Elena wakes up in a hospital with an eerily friendly nurse. Compulsion alert! Elena is attached to blood bags. It appears as though Klaus is COLLECTING HER BLOOD.

Jeremy calls Damon a dick for possibly giving him a concussion, and Damon has to use his adult voice to get his phone back from Katherine. He sees Bonnie’s texts about Klaus and decides to head back. Katherine thinks they should find Michael and the old Damon wouldn’t have been so dumb – for HER, as Damon points out. Back at the Falls, Klaus tells Rebekah he knew to do the opposite of whatever the original witch said because she hated him. The big trick on him: killing the doppelganger turns him into a werewolf, the doppelganger’s live blood creates hybrids. Unfortunately, the gang totally helped him out. He lets it slip that he is creating hybrids to not be alone for all eternity. Rebekah finds it kind of lame. Damon shows up. Klaus humorously says that he promised not to kill Damon, and unlike Stefan he keeps his word. However, Stefan probably doesn’t care now. Damon pulls out the Michael card. Klaus looks distraught, chucks Damon against a car, and vanishes.

Mousetraps hurt worse than death!

Klaus had planned to leave with Tyler and Elena, but Damon finds her in the hospital. A horrified Damon “unplugs” her and carries her away. At school, Tyler and Caroline walk hand in hand. Tyler ominously says that he is doing “great.” He says it is an amazing rush, but Caroline looks concerned. In the locker room, Bonnie chastises Matt for what he did, hoping that he will stay out of their affairs. I still like their camaraderie. She leaves. Vicki visits. She and Matt have a tearful reunion.

I may or may not be crying. Damon comforts Elena. Her trauma is beyond measure. She asks where Damon was. Normally I would think, Elena, you expect him to be with you at all times? But after what she’s been through, I don’t blame her in the least. Damon offers her bourbon and compulsion, but she refuses the latter. He says that he will never leave. She cries over Stefan. You can see that she is truly turning to Damon now. Holy eff Stefan is there. Klaus told him to keep an eye on Elena, apparently since he didn’t take her with him. Elena is aghast. Stefan’s all, I’m stickin around yo. And I’m Damon-y now. Creepy.

Somewhere unknown: Katherine and Jeremy find a tomb. Katherine busts in and opens his tomb. There is Michael’s zombified corpse, wrapped in chains. His eyes pop open.

Another day, another dead friend. No big deal.

The Vampire Diaries: Disturbing Behavior (Season 3, Episode 4)

The definition of "louche."

Klaus, Rebekah, and Stefan have excellent lives. Stefan and Klaus guzzle wine as the apparently feminist Rebekah tries on dresses and adjusts to 21^st century life. Stefan is allowed to step outside, and when he does, he spots Katherine staring at him like a sex bomb. He follows her. Katherine seems really curious. She wants to know Stefan’s plans, though she’s convinced he’ll fail no matter what. Their scene is full of sass, as usual. What is Stefan planning, and does Katherine have any ulterior motives? Katherine thinks Klaus is smarter than everyone; so does he know that Elena’s alive?

Elena makes chili for a (what else?) founders type party. Alaric says he doesn’t want to go as he observes Damon’s teasing. Obviously this scene is supposed to show that Elena and Damon are getting close. Also, Damon says Elena should ditch the necklace since it is a reminder of Stefan. Elena seems hurt that Stefan doesn’t want to leave Klaus, but lady – what choice does he have?

Jeremy wakes to the deceased Anna’s voice. She has been trying to contact him, but only after he so recently dreamt of her is she able to break through. They share a tender moment. Awkward! Not only is she dead but he’s also dating someone. Said girlfriend Bonnie arrives with Caroline. Bonnie greets Elena and her brother Jeremy, but Jeremy looks over her shoulder to see his sad looking ex Anna in the mirror.

Trouble in paradise.

I love this. Damon wants to kill Caroline’s awful father, but Liz says no – just erase his memory. She still doesn’t approve of Damon’s vampire “lifestyle.” He asks her if that’s what she told her gay husband when they got divorced. Snap! Damon plays around with this Bill fellow, snarks a few awesome lines, and mind whammies him. He points out that Caroline needs no help, even though he calls her annoying. Liz doesn’t look like she hates this intimidation.

Gloria grabs Rebekah in hopes of channeling her and finding the necklace. Rebekah seems sad that Stefan left. Meanwhile, Caroline and Bonnie disapprove of the always forgiving Elena cooking with Damon. Suddenly her necklace burns her skin. Bonnie touches the jewelry and it ignites. Elsewhere, Gloria looks at Stefan and says she found the necklace, but doesn’t know exactly where it is. Rebekah gets murderously pouty, and Klaus moves in on Gloria, “harshing [her] juju.” It is apparent that she is helping Klaus because she is afraid of him. Who wouldn’t be? Stefan successfully convinces them to leave for now by saying (sexily) into Klaus’s ear something to the effect of letting him pick who they eat. Klaus and Rebekah look totally turned on. How much does Gloria know?

At the city-wide picnic, Caroline informs Elena that she cannot change Damon while Bonnie tries to mojo the necklace. It then levitates on its own. Also at the party is Damon who laughs at the annoying Fell family’s chili. Damon reveals the meaning for all these gatherings: reasons for the anti-vampire council to meet. Alaric tells Damon to back off Elena. I’m kind of on Damon’s side in this one; it’s not Alaric’s business, and Damon is looking after her. But Alaric is cute; he says “take a beat” and admits that this is basically his only attempt at looking after her.

Bam! You're pregnant, Stefan.

The vampire threesome have a seventies party involving more murders than makeouts. It appears Stefan’s strategy is to play the two siblings, who only have eyes for him, against one another. This is both brilliant and extraordinarily dangerous. He offends and amuses both Rebekah and Klaus. I was so scared for Stefan when he told Kaus that he was no picnic and wanted to blow his own head off after being with him for a summer. Klaus looked annoyed, but he approved of Stefan walking away to supposedly write down the name of the dead lady. This episode is full of so many great moments.

Jeremy calls out to Anna, who visits him. She tells him not to trust Vicki and explains whyshe can communicate with him. Talk about the ghosts of girlfriends past. Is Jeremy crazy or what? This all seems very psychological. Back in someone’s bedroom, Bonnie lets Jeremy know that she upset the balance of nature by bringing him back to life. When he tries to help her read through her grimoires, Anna warns that the darkness she connected with Vicki is here. The necklace and grimoire light on fire. Is Vicki somehow connected to the original witch? Is Anna trustworthy? Very intriguing. Wah! Jeremy tells Anna that she can’t stalk him and Bonnie. Anna says she shows up when he thinks of her. He realizes he cares, but he can’t keep holding on. She disappears. Jeremy decides to tell Bonnie as Anna cries behind him that she is all alone.

Stefan goes to Gloria, apparently to find out what she knows, because he doesn’t want to tell her anything. She knows that Stefan is connected to the necklace, but neither wants to help Klaus. He moves to attack her, but she puts him down with her mind powers. Now we know why Klaus likes Gloria. She tortures Stefan to get what she wants out of him. In an intense scene, Gloria discovers that Elena is the doppelganger, and she is supposed to be dead. She also describes Stefan’s love for her and the guilt he always carries with him. Even though by now I hate her, I am sad to see her die at the hands of Katherine. Then I’m torn again because Katherine is a BAMF. “This is creepy,” she says before stabbing Gloria.

I enjoy having a small personal bubble.

 I am trying not to laugh to hard at comments at this anti-vampire council meeting, such as, “everything’s been quiet,” and “looks like we’ve made it through the worst.” Such liars, all of them. And they all know it. And who should show up but the freshly compelled (or not) Bill? Even he has to reference the stupidity of the council.

Caroline warns Elena about Damon, but I don’t see why everyone’s so concerned or think Damon’s so unredeemable since Stefan has been a mass murderer. Whatever the case, Caroline leaves when she sees her dad. After glimpsing him, Damon runs around like a chicken with its head cut off. He makes a crack about the irony of Bill outing Damon. Bill also wants to put vervain in the water system, which Elena (and the audience) notes is a good idea. It seems as though she’s trying to turn Damon into the new Stefan: be in control. Alaric stands by her side, and Damon “kills” him. This annoys Elena. Isn’t that hilarious? They know he’ll come back to life so it’s just like whatever that was rude.

Caroline and Tyler are adorable together. Caroline hides from her dad in Tyler’s room. He offers to pound her dad, and she is tempted, but she bought her dad his shirt. Caroline says Tyler reeks of football practice, but she likes stinky men so they start to get it on. Unfortunately they are interrupted by a phone call from Elena.

You smell like poop. I love poop.

Bill tells Damon that he loves his daughter and his self-discipline allowed him to resist Damon’s sloppy compulsion. Damon disproves Bill’s statement that Damon isn’t self-destructive enough to attack him by biting Bill. Caroline saves her sorry father from Damon’s torture, healing him with her blood and getting into a full-on fight with Damon, who is stronger but not as angry as Caroline. Elena comes in and declares that she wishes Damon didn’t have to act like a vampire. He points out that he isn’t Stefan, and Elena needs to stop trying to turn him into him. This is another poignant moment. Obviously Elena misses Stefan, and she also doesn’t want the warnings of her friends to prove true. This also reminds one of Elena’s words, “I like you now, just the way you are.” Clearly she is still thinking about this.

Katherine and Stefan are sexy together. She advises Stefan to bond with Klaus in order to make the less paranoid Rebekah jealous, since Klaus will never completely fall for Stefan (hah). Stefan finally confides that he knew Klaus and Rebekah when they were running from a mysterious vampire hunter.  Back at the coffins: so many levels in one scene. Stefan moves to free one of the originals, but Rebekah interrupts him. She makes like she loves him, kisses him, and even throws in a little comment about Klaus admiring him. He asks about who Klaus was running from. She calls in Klaus and says that she knows Stefan isn’t with them. Poor Stefan. Never play a playa, or in this case, two.

Damon drinks too much, but since he’s vamp, does it really matter? He fixes himself and Alaric a drink. Alaric gasps to life. Damon wants his friend back, but doesn’t want to apologize. Alaric realizes he’s in an abusive relationship and stomps off. In a wild turn of events, Alaric declares that the council is failing in protecting humans. There needs to be a group of humans that looks out for its own.

I let the blood dribble a little just to look slightly more menacing.

Again, so much complexity. Caroline forces Elena to admit that she is attracted to Damon; she is only human. ;) Though I kind of find this forced confession awkward, Caroline has great advice. I’m sure Elena’s not the only one to wonder why she is not the perfect person she always expects to be. Caroline spots her father and tries to make peace with him. He thanks her for saving him, but states that she will never be okay since she is a vampire. There is a powerful connection here between Caroline’s insistence that Damon is who he is, he says because he’s a vampire, and her father’s view of Caroline as something fundamentally evil. Can vampires ever really be reliable?

This episode is totally tricking me. Bonnie tells “Elena” that Jeremy is seeing ghosts. Elena asks for her necklace, due to its “Stefan-ness.” As soon as she gets it, she is gone. Katherine shows up at Damon’s with her best Elena face. Katherine is the last thing Damon needs in his life, but since he’s feeling cramped, he accepts to go on a joyride with her. Damon, will you ever learn? I see where Damon’s coming from, but this is a woman who could easily take you on a ride to certain death.

Klaus has “done something” to Stefan, who wakes up, startled. Klaus says that Rebekah’s instincts are almost supernatural, but Klaus is more curious than angry about what Stefan is hanging onto. Thus, he has brought Stefan and his gang of corpses back to Mystic Falls. How weird is it that Klaus may have ridden with an unconscious Stefan to Mystic Falls in the back of a moving van? Now that I think of it, he probably just went back there after they arrived. But maybe not.

Worst dad of the year forever.

The Vampire Diaries: The End of the Affair (Season 2, Episode 3)

Would you like another drink, my completely heterosexual friend?

And we begin with an ambiguous call from Katherine (!) to Damon. Katherine seems to know everything about Klaus and Stefan, even though she won’t give any answers. Is our dear Katherine hoping for Stefan’s safety? The audience discovers that Klaus has dragged Stefan to Chicago. Klaus thinks it a shame that Stefan doesn’t remember his time in Chicago due to blackouts.

Flashback to 1920s: Stefan is having sex with/killing a young lady in the back of the car. After, he wipes off his mouth, takes a flower out of her hair, and saunters away. Klaus lets us know that we will be following this ripper who moved to Chicago due to loneliness. Great music plays as a remarkably Damonesque Stefan walks through the back door of a nightclub. A blond vixen with a British accent approaches him and notes that he is still “wearing his date.” She later tells an arrogant Stefan to shut up so she can listen to the music.

Damon pulls a Katherine by slipping into Elena’s bed at 6 a.m. He makes a few entendres, pulls out sexy red underwear, and invites her to join him on a trip to Chicago to find Stefan. It’s funny that she asks if he really has nothing better to do so early in the morning, since clearly he’d rather protect her than do anything else. The two road trip it to Chicago. He wants her to read Stefan’s diaries, filled with entries describing black-outs, blood, and women. Damon snarks that he’s shocked Stefan’s not a virgin. Elena claims that she’s seen Stefan at his darkest. Um, no she hasn’t. She saw Stefan almost kill a girl, and Stefan pushed her into a wall. She hasn’t seen him rip bodies apart and massacre villages.

Isn't it weird that we're not drinking bodily fluids?

Stefan ignores Klaus’s descriptions of Chicago as magical and wonders why Klaus is still keeping him around. Klaus says they’re going to see a witch. They meet Gloria, who is mortal but aging slowly thanks to spells. Klaus makes a crack (“A hybrid walks into a bar…”) and orders Stefan to fix them a drink. Gloria says she needs Bex. Stefan finds a picture of him with Klaus! It appears Katherine wasn’t the only one aware of Stefan’s whereabouts at all times.

Meanwhile, Caroline’s absolutely psychotic father tortures her with vervain and sunlight, after taking off her ring. He thinks this will somehow fix her. Sheriff Liz Forbes calls an absent Caroline and Tyler knocks on her door, but Caroline’s dad is pulling a Clockwork Orange: he’s conditioning her to associate bloodlust with pain. Any struggles with acceptance he might have had as a gay man are clearly thrown out the window when it comes to accepting his daughter as she is. To be fair, being gay does not involve turning into a murderous predator, but these scenes are still repulsive.

Damon and Elena visit Stefan’s creepy old apartment which was near an all-girls school. Inside a secret closet, Stefan has written the names of his victims. Shiver. Damon admits that he himself wasn’t a saint, but Stefan was a “cocky ripper douche.” He leaves her to contemplate that while he checks out Stefan’s other stomping grounds. I guess they’re just hoping Stefan and Klaus don’t return to his apartment?

G-L-O-R-I-A, Gloooria.

Stefan is so frustrated that Klaus didn’t say anything about their first meeting he grabs Klaus, who removes his arm and says that he hated Stefan. Flashback: Stefan and the vampire girl Bex chomp on a babe and then make out. Klaus comes along and rips Bex, his sister, away from Stefan, apparently jealous. Klaus seems pretty incestuous, with both Elijah and Bex. She says Klaus isn’t her boyfriend, but he says he’s her brother and she has to do what he says. He also makes fun of Stefan’s hair.

Klaus proceeds to open a coffin and pull a dagger out of Bex. At first Stefan is confused, then he is frightened. Klaus says that Stefan has many useful talents and he learned some of his favorite tricks from him. Flashback: the elitist Klaus kicks back and states that he’s killed his family. Bex chose his side. Stefan isn’t fazed. When a man asks for his wife, Stefan compels him to sit down and orders her over. He then forces the horrified man to drink her blood out of a glass. Bex and Klaus think this is hilarious. You can just see Klaus thinking, “Drinking blood out of a glass. Sadistic fraternity games. Classy.”

Stefan doesn’t believe Klaus, but he says he will prove their friendship by going to his old apartment. Damon, what were you thinking? After the two leave, Damon visits Gloria’s bar. He puts the moves on her, but she declines because he’s a vampire, even though she prefers him to Stefan and thinks he’s cute. She also states that Stefan and Klaus are a bad combo.

Bros before real actual biological bros.

Elena reads Stefan’s diary, detailing Lexi’s continual attempts to rehabilitate him. Stefan and Klaus enter his apartment. Klaus knows there’s someone there, but Stefan attributes it to a break in. Elena hides in the closet. Luckily for her, Klaus opens the door for Stefan to look in. They share a moment, and Stefan says, “Look what I’ve found,” before grabbing a bottle of whisky to share with Klaus. They leave. Thank goodness that Stefan’s improved his poker face. At the same time, was his, “Look what I’ve found,” intended to scare Elena? Also, still creepy to know that Stefan wrote the names of his victims down so he could repeatedly relive their deaths.

Damon returns and is all business in spite of a shaken Elena. He says he realized what a bad idea it was to leave her there. He says he will distract Klaus for five minutes or until Klaus rips his heart out while she talks to Stefan. This is a bad plan. First, Stefan won’t go with her since Klaus will kill them all if he does. Second, does Damon expect to die then and there or somehow scoot away?

Stefan and Klaus are drinking (alcohol). Klaus admits that he liked Stefan both because of the way he tortured innocent people and because Stefan wanted to be his wingman. Flashback: Stefan and Klaus are laughing and drinking. Stefan says that his family is jealous of Klaus because he’s a king, not a freak. Klaus advises Stefan to watch out for his sister, who will quickly fall in love with and then leave him. Stefan says he’s glad he met Klaus because he’s a good friend. Can I just say: lol! Present day: Klaus toasts, “To friendship.”

Are you seriously running from someone? This AGAIN?

A tipsy Stefan asks why he only knows Klaus as a hybrid dick who sacrificed his girlfriend. Klaus says that all good things must come to an end. (They’re faces are really close at this point. Just saying.) Flashback:  some vampire hunting policeman riddles the bar with wooden bullets. Klaus finishes his drink, Bex drops her necklace, and Klaus compels Stefan to forget everything about them until he needs him to remember again. Like Katherine, Klaus appears to be running from someone. Damon slips into the bar, motions for Stefan to follow him, and leaves. Stefan makes an excuse that he needs a real drink and follows Damon without Klaus’s awareness.

Stefan fills Damon in a little: Elena being alive is preventing Klaus from making his werewolf army. Klaus is about to discover the truth, he thinks. Damon moves to distract Klaus while Stefan talks to Elena. Damon calls Klaus honey after Klaus refers to him as riff raff. Damon asks for his brother and calls himself a thrill seeker. Klaus admits that he saved Damon’s life for Stefan but wonders how many freebies he should get. He decides to torture Damon, who offers himself as a replacement for Stefan. Gloria uses magic to incinerate Klaus’s makeshift stake and is entirely badass: “Not in my bar. You take it outside.”

Elena asks Stefan to come home. As they embrace, she tries to vervain him. For her sake, he grabs her arm and says that he doesn’t want to come home. Stefan tells her that not only is she in imminent danger, but that things will never be the same between them. He’s killed dozens of innocents and would take decades to recover. Stefan says that he doesn’t want to see or be with her. The audience sees his tragic expression as he turns away, but Elena does not.

I am smiling, therefore something must be wrong.

I hardly want to describe these scenes because of the sheer stupidity of Caroline’s dad. Caroline’s father continues to torture her so he doesn’t have to kill her. He leaves for the night, but her mom the sheriff busts in, aims a gun at him, and ushers Tyler in. Tyler breaks her out and carries her away, after retrieving her ring. Liz nurses her daughter back to health with blood bags but defends Caroline’s father by saying that he’ll come around. Tyler comes in and comforts Caroline, who cries that her father hates her. Tyler + Caroline = EPIC.

Flashback: Klaus kills Bex because she wants to stay with Stefan. Flash forward: Bex awakens and stabs Klaus, who pulls the dagger out. Klaus compels Stefan to remember them. Stefan and Bex are emotionally reunited as are Stefan and Klaus. Then the other shoe drops. Stefan supposedly knows how to contact the original witch. The necklace is key, the necklace that Elena is wearing. Bex throws a fit because she doesn’t know where it is. Is it weird that I like her and her bad temper?

Katherine calls Damon and basically laughs at his failure. She is in Chicago. Flashback: she was also looking totally foxy back in the day as she watched Stefan pick up the necklace. Stefan meets the mysterious man who was hunting Klaus and Bex. The plot thickens.

The Birthday (Season 3, Episode 1)

'Sup?

In the early morning hours of Elena's birthday, two men come across an unusually attractive pair of girls. One of the men's fake American accent is equally jarring. The appearance of these rippers, vampire/werewolf Klaus and vampire Stefan, is a welcome opening, but the acting of the two ladies in question is rather lame. After the vampire massacres the ladies, they head over to a bar. Klaus likes to surprise people at bars. He chats up a nervous werewolf and notes that that Stefan has eerily hypnotized everyone in the bar. So there's no point in trying anything.

Elena rises and wakes up her brother Jeremy, who looks nothing like he's just been sleeping. Their history teacher Alaric has crashed on the couch, and this isn't creepy. It is, in fact, adorable, especially since every guardian they've ever had has died. After this recent tragedy and the disappearance of Elena's boyfriend Stefan, a somber Elena is still determined to find out whether her boyfriend is alive or dead.

She tells Caroline that she doesn't want a big party. Caroline just tells her to dress up and hangs up on her at the appearance of Tyler. They both light up. The two have lunch at some unspecified restaurant (hint: there's only one in town) and are waited on by Jeremy, who seems to think they are cute together because they are, extremely. He is serving them because a pissy Matt, who recently dated Caroline, doesn't want to. (Truth be told, I'd be pissy if I lived in Mystic Falls.) Jeremy, by the way, has been seeing flashes of his dead ex-girlfriends Vicki and Anna. He is hiding this from his girlfriend and witch Bonnie, whom he improbably spoke to at work via videophone, a.k.a. awkward product placement.

We want you as a new recruit.

Stefan's vampire brother Damon is soaking in a sudsy bath as his girl-toy and snack (judging by her scarves) Andie gets ready for work. It might be a small step up for Damon to not compel Andie to bring him wine. In the bath. Instead, he saunters to the bedroom nude and sudsy. Elena is wandering around, embarrassed to spot a naked Damon. She throws him a towel and discusses her plans for finding Stefan. Damon appears sardonic and unhopeful.

Yet, is he ever as callous as he appears? He and Alaric venture out on a lead investigative reporter Andie has given them. Alaric sweetly wonders why the little Gilberts haven't kicked him out yet. Hello, dude, they need you. Then, yikes. They venture into the house the two rippers happened upon at the beginning of this episode. There are streaks of blood across the house and bloody handprints. Sitting on the couch are the two girls. Damon explains to an alarmed Alaric that this is Stefan's signature, as though Stefan is an anonymous serial killer. He blacks out, kills, and then feels remorse, thus putting the bodies back together. You heard that right, BACK TOGETHER. Heads, arms, feet - they all come off when he chows down.

Elena, Caroline, and Tyler chat about Stefan and Damon before the hotness overload that is Tyler and Caroline's conversation arrives. They discuss how they are always so horny they want to explode. It’s a vampire thing. And a werewolf thing. They stare at each other, but Caroline pretends she hopes Tyler gets lucky with a slutty date.

Neither of us is drunk enough for this conversation.

Ironically, Damon covers Stefan's tracks, for once, by burning the bodies, in a detached manner, mind you. Stefan meanwhile is playing wolfbane darts with (as in, throwing poisonous darts at) the poor werewolf as Klaus watches in pleasure. Klaus hears that Damon is still following them, but Stefan convinces Klaus to let him try to get Damon off their trail. Klaus knows he will come back because Stefan’s in his service. Klaus seems disappointed and asks him if he is having at least a bit of fun. Yeah, this relationship isn’t kinky at all.

Just friends, I tell you. Eye sex, naked time, and discussion of lust doesn't mean anything.

Back at the mansion, Damon tells Elena it’s her party, she can cry if she wants to, before giving her back her vervain necklace. They both look sad and seem to consider drowning their grief in one another. Note: I liked the music at Elena's party and the music in season one. I prefer the edgier, angstier choices to the emo, whiny, and corny songs they had in season two and in parts of this episode.

Countdown to makeout time... 3, 2, 1...

Elena may not want to be around people, but Caroline is throwing a killer party. They disapprove of the stoner den, where Jeremy mentions to Matt his problems, without elaborating. Matty the fool is angry at Caroline. Alaric gets the best line so far with something to the effect of, “I am every parent’s worst nightmare. I am the chaperone from hell.” Damon, of course, loves high school parties. (But how gross would it be to go to one?I have no desire to. And I could probably pass for a high schooler, sadly.) Alaric quivers at the thought of responsibility when Elena wants him to talk to Jeremy about his drug habits. (She says this as she drinks underage – just saying). Damon tells Alaric to, "drink more, it will feel less weird."

Andie is the last one at work, once again. Not Andie! You know this isn't going to turn out well. Stefan unnecessarily terrorizes her a bit in his plan to get Damon off his trail. Damon arrives and looks for Andie, in order to bring her back home. Stefan's lines obviously echo Damon's first: "Hello, brother." Stefan seems to be partly faking his evil self at this point, but the role reversal is still there. Damon tells Stefan that his threatening of Andie is not cool, and Stefan replies, “No, it’s a little bit cool. Don’t you think?” He compels Andie to jump from a rafter. She dies upon impact, and Stefan tells Damon to leave him alone.

At the party, Matt and Jeremy bond over pot. They decide to go home, but Matt is too high to find his car, and Jeremy is too seeing-ghosts to drive. (By the way - Matt is amazing when he is high.) Vicki and Anna seem more sad than anything else, asking Jeremy to help. They walk to Jeremy's and give into the munchies. Jeremy confides more about Vicki, and Matt notes that he misses his sister Vicki so much, he thinks he sees her sometimes. But ghosts are somewhat preposterous, of course. Even though he knows about werewolves and vampires.

My brother is doing pot (says the disapproving underage girl consuming booze)!

Caroline gets drunk and compels Tyler's sluty date to leave, leaving hanging. Until they kiss, making me pump my fists in the air multiple times. Then they have incredible vampire/werewolf sex, apparently in Tyler's bedroom. The next morning, Caroline tries to leave, not zooming around like a regular vampire, though. This allows Tyler's horrible mom Mrs. Lockwood to catch Caroline unawares with a vervained purse and vervain darts.

Rewind: Elena says that her birthday wish is to know Stefan is alive. She discovers that Damon has been tracking Klaus. She confronts Damon when he returns after witnessing Andie's death. He actually doesn't drink, a sign something is really wrong. He blurts out that he's been tracking Stefan's victims, not Klaus's, and he doesn't think Stefan is coming back. Intense. Damon stalks off and a fit, breaking everything but his best guitar. He apparently cares deeply about his brother going bad, his love’s broken heart, and his sort-of-girlfriend’s death. Elena returns home to find Alaric lamely moving out, mumbling something about being a bad role model. He is now.

Elsewhere, Klaus feeds the werewolf his blood and kills him, hoping to turn him into a were-vampire. He also asserts that Stefan isn’t completely gone. He sexily whispers into Stefan’s ear that you never stop caring about family, but the blood helps. Stefan walks outside to have a moment of angst before calling Elena, whom Klaus thinks is dead! After a tense moment (Elena's phone is on vibrate), she picks up. Stefan can't say anything, so Elena intuits that it's him and just tells him he’ll be okay, hold onto her love, and never let it go. He, and I'm sure many viewers, cry.