The Vampire Diaries: The Murder of One (Season 3, Episode 18)

At least I got a few lines and closeups right before I died.

Elena tries to deliver chocolate muffins to Alaric, but Damon Ric-blocks her. He says that Alaric is normal but still on lockdown, before making a few jabs about how Elena isn’t actually mad at Damon and that her suspicion is paranoia. As soon as she leaves, we see that Alaric and Stefan are cutting up the Original-killing Wickery Bridge sign.  Rock music plays as they whittle away. No surprise, the uptight Stefan is a micromanager. Alaric says he will turn himself in because, unlike some people in the room, he wants to take responsibility for the lives he took. As Damon points out, Stefan’s morals become murky with revenge against Klaus on the brain, and Damon tells Alaric to put the ring back on. The two immortal killers think Alaric should worry as much about the dark side that his semi-immorality brings as they do theirs. Plus, Bonnie’s herbs seem to be working.

In the woods, Elena tells Caroline that Alaric killed her father. Caroline starts to lose it, but Elena says that, like all their supernatural friends, Alaric is a victim of his circumstances. Caroline calms down enough to tease Elena about being a savior of the cursed and damned. Matt shows up, but Bonnie, supposedly distraught over her mother leaving again, does not. Stefan and Damon arrive and hand everybody Original-killing stakes.

Finn calls his little brother Klaus’s charms hollow and says he only wishes to see him dead. His mother is trying to figure out another way to kill them, and Finn said he’s still on board. Klaus threatens to put him in a box again, and Finn points out that Klaus will lose his “precious Rebekah” if he does so. Klaus says that wouldn’t be the first time, and Finn just rolls his eyes before walking into Rebekah. Finn is stunned that Rebekah is siding with the homicidal Klaus, but she’d prefer to be temporarily dead than “extinct.” Death threats don’t exactly work against Finn, so Klaus just beats him up and says Finn’s not taking the rest of them down with him.

Discussing torture, and looking cute while doing it.

Klaus continues to toss Finn around. He says that while he can torture and force Finn to give him his blood to undo the spell, he chooses to persuade him instead. Sage appears, and apparently the two of them are still “true loves.” Rebekah is disgusted and opts to get vengeance on Damon. Thanks to a phone product placement, we learn that Kol is in on helping his siblings. Klaus stares at Sage and Finn, annoyed. He might not like Sage, but it seems as though all the Original siblings are envious of the others’ happiness.

Stefan and Damon explain their “detailed” plan which involves distracting 1,000 year old vampires with teenage love interests. That sounds like a terrible plan. They also mention holding Rebekah’s arms down while another stakes her. How? She’s many times stronger than any of them. Back at home, Alaric asks Damon if he learned nothing about how stupid it was to hide the moonstone in a soap dish. Clearly not, because Damon is hiding these magical stakes with firewood. Rebekah breaks in, throws Alaric down the stairs, and stabs Damon in the gut, announcing, “Hello, lover.”

Elena, Caroline, and Matt meet at the town square (I guess). Bonnie won’t return Elena’s calls. Caroline shrugs since Bonnie’s been a bit peeved off lately. They spot Finn and Sage. Instead of immediately trying to kill Finn, Caroline eavesdrops. Busybody. Finn remembers this as the place where natives would make sacrifices; Sage points out that that’s where they’d secretly rendezvous. (Romantic?) Finn thought she’d moved on. Sage says she loves him still and wants him to live. He smiles. Elena calls Stefan to ask for backup. Stefan realizes that Sage, who is very old and strong, is with Finn. He also discovers that Rebekah kidnapped Damon. Stefan says they have a problem. Way to plan ahead guys, to think of every option, like you said.

This time, nothing will go wrong! We are gonna get them good!

Damon is tied up with some bear traps. Rebekah explains that she wants to one up Damon after his ungentlemanly behavior. She plans to bleed him of vervain and compel him to kill Stefan or Elena. She acknowledges that it will take some time since vampires heal. I’d think a very long time. Damon tries to make like he thinks it’s hot and kinky, but he is a bit concerned. Klaus stops in, and even in the midst of this, he and Rebekah have time for sibling banter. He thinks she should turn him upside down, Rebekah says she doesn’t need any advice; he rolls his eyes and smiles because obviously he’s pretty much an expert. In the next room, Bonnie is working on unlinking the siblings. Klaus has Kol spying on Jeremy. If it were this easy, couldn’t the Originals have gotten everything they wanted long ago? They should be able to know when a human is lying. They should be able to threaten anyone. Heck, they should be able to control or read everyone’s minds, to an extent. Confusion.

In an interesting scene, Caroline approaches Alaric about her father’s death. He apologizes. She points out that she is a murderer as well. She killed someone, and enjoyed it. That man could have been someone’s father as well. They all have blood on their hands. All they can do is hope they can be saved. Downtown, Stefan tells Elena that Alaric is okay, and they need to figure out their next move. She wants to stop everything to save Damon. She doesn’t know that Klaus is planning to unlike them, but isn’t this exactly what she said she wouldn’t do? Let her humanity get in the way? Perhaps she meant she wouldn’t hesitate to murder an Original, but didn’t they cover this? Stefan says Damon would NOT want them to stop. If they get an Original at this point, they will help Damon by getting rid of Rebekah.

In what is clearly a dream, Damon thinks that Elena rescues him and revives him with her blood. Basically he fantasizes what Stefan already experienced. Rebekah and her revealing top say it might not be so nice when someone else messes with your head. He says she couldn’t have thought he really had a thing for her. Her expressionlessness masks deep hurt and disappointment. He blames this desperation on her brother issues, specifically being bossed around by Klaus for 1,000 years. She stabs him again. Bonnie hears a scream, but Klaus tells her not to worry. She hilariously says that this mass murderer bothers her, and he just prods her about her mother and threatens to rip her and those she loves apart until she helps him. He shows her vials of his siblings’ blood and bites his hand to give her his. Bonnie begins to work on the spell, chanting while mixing blood in a glass. Yum. She pours blood on the table.

Bored now.

Sage shows Finn the joys of tequila, and they seem happy together. Finn is “awed by the evolution of mankind.” Sage is “embarrassed” by his lack of knowledge. A vampire that Sage turned walks by. Finn wonders why; Sage says that they need an ally since they’re in enemy territory. Stefan listens to their conversation. He passes Matt a bottle of vervain. Sage admits she doesn’t know how many people she’s turned into vampires. Finn looks serious, so she tells him not to judge her since he turned her. He says his passion overtook his morals. She says her passions overtake her morals on a daily basis; it’s called living life to the fullest. He smiles more. As wicked as Sage is, I like them together. Stefan texts “get ready.”

The lovebirds drink another shot and spit out the vervain. They follow Stefan out of the bar. (You know which bar. Don’t even ask.) I have to pause before Stefan or someone else stabs my precious Finn. Sage knocks the stake out of Stefan’s hand. “Leave Finn alone!” I say in Chris Crocker’s voice. Elena shoots Finn in the stomach with a crossbow and Matt stabs him. Bonnie’s spell is almost complete. The blood separates. Finn bursts into flames. All my, I mean, Sage’s hopes and dreams are gone. She is inconsolable.

Bonnie looks upset. Rebekah thanks her. She sees a bleeding Damon. Klaus says she can save the man who turned her mother into a vampire. She chooses not to. Dang. But, if we’re going to be honest, Elena, Caroline, and all these “heroes” are the idiots for constantly saving these psychopaths, which Damon sometimes is. Instead, she calls Elena to tell her that Klaus has Damon. Caroline, Elena, and Stefan were just chipper a minute ago about killing Finn (fuuuu), but Bonnie says that Klaus forced her to do a spell. Going against her morals, fearing for Jeremy’s and her mother’s lives—Bonnie is not okay. She has had a very bad day. She breaks down, and I just want to give her a hug.

Don't cry, Sage! The pain will be over soon.

Stefan says again that he will get revenge on Klaus, in spite of Elena’s protests. Caroline quips that she misses well-adjusted Stefan. Aw. Sage busts in (“Ding dong!”) and throws Stefan back into the room. He says he had to kill Finn. Then she and the vampire she turned die. Kill one Original, kill anyone who was turned by them, and those turned by them, and on down the line. Elena wonders if a hybrid bit them. Caroline suggests Sage died of sadness. L Elena says that doesn’t explain Troy, the other vampire. Well, maybe Troy fell in love with Finn too, Elena, did you ever think of that? Maybe Troy fell in love with Finn from afar for the few days of Finn’s existence. Is it bad that I find it amusing that they realize half their friends and family will die if they kill the Originals? The world would be a safer place. There are supposed to be only a few werewolves left anyway.

Stefan visits Damon (who notes that this went differently in his head), and says he will exchange the Original-killing weapons for Damon. Klaus is surprised at Finn’s death and Rebekah begins to get upset, and she is annoyed when Klaus compels Damon to go home. Damon’s her plaything. Damon tries to rip his hands through the traps. In fact, Stefan did leave three stakes at home. Elena says they have to figure out which Original to save in order to keep Caroline and the Salvatores alive. Caroline points out that if Klaus dies, Tyler will die.

Rebekah enjoys watching Damon suffer, and Klaus jokes, “Stop, before you hurt yourself.” He compels Damon to tell them how many stakes they made. Stefan says he’ll get the rest. Klaus says he’d better before he forces Damon to chew off his own tongue. Tears in his eyes, Stefan quietly asks what’s wrong with Klaus. Klaus gets pissy and asks, what is wrong with Stefan? Does he have no appreciation for him? Klaus says that, as a friend, he’s given Stefan a target so he can turn his hatred away from himself and onto Klaus. He says Stefan should be thanking him for giving him a purpose.  Stefan says enough and pushes his ex against the wall. Klaus tells him to step down or the Salvatores both die. If they sleep together, will this solve everything? I’m only partly joking. Even though I am devastated that they just killed Finn, this episode gets a million points for including both Finn and Klefan. I don’t know if Rebekah is jealous or what, but she says that this boys stuff is ridiculous. She lets a broken and bleeding Damon go as a symbol of good faith. Yeah, real good faith. Maybe Damon’s comment about Klaus controlling her got to Rebekah. She says her rules now. For the millionth time, Klaus threatens everyone Stefan loves.

Stefan, you know me, I can't say I don't care about anyone.

Rebekah says she can’t believe Finn is dead. Klaus says good riddance, he was an embarrassment, a lovesick fool who slept in a box longer than he lived as a man. My baby! Rebekah says that he was still their brother and asks if Klaus would say the same about her. He says that she let the Salvatores loose with their weapons, so, yes. And if she stays while Klaus goes, she is as pathetic as Finn. She says that the Salvatores may fight like dogs but at least they know what family is; they’d die for each other. Klaus says he wanted a family once, but Rebekah realizes, soon after stating that Klaus was the only one in her family who stood by her, that Klaus is actually the one who destroyed it. You can see on her heartbroken face that she underestimated her favorite brother’s callousness.

Klaus’s comments make Stefan realize that he has to move on from his abusive ex and figure out himself. He feels as though he hasn’t gotten anywhere. Elena says that he has, and she still loves him. Stefan says he knows, and he will always love her. But he wants her to admit that she also loves Damon. Elena says she doesn’t know what she feels. Even though forcing this confession is creepy, Paul Wesley is so good here, the scene is rather effective. Meanwhile, Damon runs into the arms of Alaric, who comments that Damon is still alive. They can’t find the stake Alaric hid behind his books. They realize that Alaric’s vampire-hating alter-ego must have taken it. Damon is none too pleased that his buddy could kill him. Alaric looks sheepish. Now I will need the hiatus to recover from this tragic but moving episode.

The Vampire Diaries: Break On Through (Season 3, Episode 17)

... to the other side!

Meredith and Elena discuss how Meredith figured out Alaric was the killer, but she wanted him to stay safe since it wasn’t his fault. Alaric gets an MRI and has a very weird confrontation with his evil side in the mirror. Alaric says nothing is wrong with him—or he’s gone insane. He gives the ring to Elena. Damon comes in to check out his pal—literally. He looks him up and down and says he looks horrible. I like Damon and Elena’s conversation. She is angry at him for letting Stefan drink from a girl. Damon says that he made Stefan drink and that Stefan is a predator, one who has built up a castle of delusions that periodically crumbles. (Or maybe it was a wagon that he falls off. Some metaphor.) Elena says that Stefan was able to control himself before, on animal blood or by drinking a little of her blood. She snarks that Damon might not be the best person to teach Stefan self-control.

Caroline is adorable, hilariously bubbly about her favorite kind of blood (B positive), and thrilled that she was able to steal much needed blood from the blood drive. Bonnie is somber, watching her depressed mother adjust to vampirism. Caroline explains that this is understandable. Abby is mourning losing her connection to nature. Bonnie helps a flower grow with her powers, explaining that they can literally feel the earth.

Meredith, Alaric, and Damon visit the construction on Wickery Bridge. The mayor gives Alaric trouble about forgetting a sign, and Damon spots Sage, whom he coincidentally remembered last week. He calls her his hottest teacher; she says he was her favorite student. Rebekah tells her to get lost. Sage says she was looking for Finn who was recently freed from that coffin his “rage-aholic” brother carted him around in. She assumes Finn went looking for her, but Bekah said he didn’t mention Sage. Also he’s gone. Probably forgot about her. After Bekah leaves, Sage calls her an elitist bitch. Damon is just keeping quiet around these much older women.

Hate sex all around?

Damon says, “Finn? Really?” Sage says that Finn’s the one for her; he turned her to be with her forever. Then Klaus killed him. He and Bekah always treated her like a peasant whore. She says she’ll help Damon get inside her head because she’s a girl, and so has a weakness. Clearly Sage is a bit sexist. Also, hasn’t Finn’s actions kind of contradicted what has been said about him? Elijah said he hates vampires, and it seems to be so. Why did he turn Sage, who’s so unlike him? Damon puts the moves on Rebekah, saying he thinks she’s sexy, and that she’s as mean as he is. He says the two of them and Sage could have a real party. She says not a chance, but when he leaves her face says, “I have definitely not had enough sex to make up for those 100 years daggered.”

Caroline asks Jamie to help Abby with her transition. Add Jamie to the list of normal humans who are terrified of Caroline and even vampire Abby. Caroline says, too bad. I completely agree with Jamie when he says none of this is normal. Elena calls Caroline to ask Bonnie for help with Alaric’s problem. Alaric admits that his early violence was due to his youthful stupidity. His dark side was funneled into hunting vampires. What about the restraining orders, not from bullies, but from his girlfriend? He tells Meredith that he killed her vampired cousin Logan Fell. She says she doesn’t judge, either way. But she wonders about Damon. He says he tried to kill him, but Damon killed him instead.

Elena comes across Stefan serving himself human blood from a bag. She takes the book on Samantha Gilbert. Stefan says Samantha killed herself by being too crazy, so there’s no hope for Alaric. A peeved Elena tells him to get back to his drinking. The whole scene is awkward. Damon stumbles upon Stefan binge drinking. Stefan’s stressed and testy about Elena. Damon tells him he needs control, to own it, live it, love it. He says Stefan has to get lost unless he’s interested in a Sage Rebekah sandwich.

Rebekah brings the booze, I bring the dinner.

Jamie arrives and he and Bonnie share a moment. I like Jamie. Still, so many movies, even now, shy away from having interracial relationships. It bothers me that the only African American guy on this show is going to date the only African American girl. (I’m not counting her mother Abby, who is an adult, obviously.) Abby spots Jamie, creepily vamps out, and bites him. Poor guy! After he agreed to help out. Abby says she should have left, but Bonnie says the only way Abby can only hurt her daughter is by leaving. Caroline says she cured Jamie with vampire blood, and she needs Bonnie to do her a favor.

Alaric gives Elena his information and tells her about his will, in case anything happens. Elena says it won’t. Bonnie and Caroline call Elena to tell her that they might be able to reverse the ring spell; sometimes witches who obsess over dark magic have similar problems. Will Bonnie ever have this problem? She clearly doesn’t want to hear Elena’s apologetic voice, but she makes an effort. Elena goes to Alaric’s loft to fetch his wedding ring for the spell. Meredith says Alaric will stay with her and her tranquilizers.

Sage makes some cruel comments about Rebekah’s desperation, and Damon says that Finn’s gone so Sage should give up. Bekah shows up with a bottle of wine she stole from Klaus who stole it from some queen. Damon and Sage dance while Bekah feeds on their poor piano player. Damon joins her and starts kiss her, saying he wants her, not Sage. Sage watches. Cut to: Damon and Rebekah had sex, but no threesome as far as we know. Sage touches the relaxed, unguarded, and asleep Bekah’s head, and apparently because she’s so old, figures out that Rebekah wants the old tree. Sage tells Damon this by inviting him into the shower, kissing him, and planting the ideas in his mind with her vampire powers of manipulation.

My, what big teeth you have!

Damon looks in the old Salvatore logging records to discover that Wickery Bridge is made of that very oak tree. He burns the records and tells Sage they’re not public. She says weapons that can kill Originals are clearly a problem for her. Damon says he met Finn, and she’s not going to miss him. Sage threatens to rip his head off. He says if she helps him kill Rebekah, Finn and she can walk into the sunset. Sigh. This means Finn instead of Rebekah will die. I’m sure of it. Why? No one will care. None of the main characters will care. Most of the audience, other than myself, will not care. The character’s just been introduced.

Alaric told Stefan that Elena was at his apartment, so he meets her there and says he’s not trying to hurt her, yadda yadda. He also says that because Samantha Gilbert was under suicide watch, she had no personal possessions, no rings. Yet she was still violent. Elena says she’s not giving up on Alaric or Stefan, in spite of Stefan saying not everyone can be saved by Elena. They find pictures of Alaric’s victims.

Alaric wakes up from a nap and empties Meredith’s tranquilizers as she makes coffee. Alaric asks if Meredith ever feels remorse since she and the other council members aren’t protecting this town from vampires any more. I like that this is the reason for the killings. He stabs her, but she slips away, splashes hot coffee on him, and runs upstairs. She kicks him and stabs his hand with scissors while slamming the door on him.

I honestly could not think of anything remotely tasteful to use as a caption.

When Damon returns from wherever, he finds Sage gone. He drives (though vamping would be faster) to a burning Wickery Bridge. Rebekah’s glad to ruin his plan. Sage says the Originals are linked, and Damon lied to her. He says her creepy boyfriend wanted to die. She doesn’t believe this. He threatens to kill her, which she points out he can’t do, as she’s centuries older than he is. Damon says when he finds a way to kill the Originals, he’ll take out Finn first. (Please don’t! Finn’s done nothing to you, Damon.) This disconcerts Sage.

Elena and Stefan also find a package for Jeremy saying that he will continue the work with his ring, cleansing the council so the work can begin. Scary. Elena grab’s Alaric’s wedding ring and goes. She finds a strange Alaric. Elena says she didn’t see Stefan at his apartment, and she didn’t find Alaric’s ring. He goes for a knife, and Stefan knocks him out. After smelling Meredith’s blood, he requests that Elena come upstairs with him. Stefan struggles with bloodlust, but he manages to feed Meredith his blood, healing her, before leaving immediately afterward.

Jamie and Caroline garden. Caroline says her dad went through the same thing as Bonnie’s mom, but it didn’t work out. Caroline goes inside and begs Abby to stay, saying that no one is better off without their parents, but Abby leaves. At the Gilberts, Bonnie gives Elena an herb to give to Alaric. Elena asks Bonnie to forgive her. Bonnie just hugs her and says of course she does. Forgive her for what? I sympathize with Bonnie not wanting to be around Elena for a while, but Elena hasn’t done anything more wrong than usual. Elena calls Jeremy and asks if he’s talked to Alaric. He says no, but he has to go out with some friends at the moment, and he’s doing well. Tears in her eyes, she says everything’s fine. She just missed him and wanted to hear his voice. I really like the moment, but shouldn’t Jeremy know about the ring?

Alaric wakes up to find his guardian angel Damon watching over him. Alaric doesn’t seem to remember anything. Apparently Bonnie did a spell, but Alaric will still be under house arrest (light). Damon finds Stefan having an alcoholic drink “a little early in the day” for him, according to Damon. Ironically, Stefan is toasting to control. Damon reveals that the Wickery Bridge sign is made out of oak. Not sure how he knew that. The two of them are ready to hunt. Damon says let’s go kill some Originals. I say no.

The Vampire Diaries: 1912 (Season 3, Episode 16)

A real ripper enjoys the hunt (but is dang messy).

Scene: Mystic Falls, 1912. Another Sheriff Forbes and Salvatore step out of a vampire council meeting. The Salvatore is cavalier about the recent murder of a council member, but, of course, on his way home, he is stabbed by an unseen assailant. Modern day: Mayor Lockwood orders Sheriff Forbes (another one) to tell her who the serial killer is. (I like the fact that the two council members in the past were men; these two are women.) The sheriff doesn’t want to falsely accuse anyone, but she leads the mayor into jail. Alaric is locked up.

Meredith said that Alaric came at her with a knife, forcing her to shoot and then treat him with vampire blood. She also claimed his earlier wounds could have been self-inflicted; I guess he stabbed himself, then crawled all over the house. Damon is squarely team Alaric, wanting to help prove his innocence as soon as possible. The sheriff knows he could make things worse, so she threatens to put the much more powerful vampire behind bars. How, I don’t know. Damon is hurt. This is his buddy!

The increasingly endearing Matt jogs beside Elena, complaining and telling her that she can’t run from her problems. He’s the go between for Elena and Bonnie at the moment, though Bonnie knows her mother’s “death” isn’t Elena’s fault. She just needs time. Elena blames herself. She is surprised to learn that Abby has decided to transition into a vampire, with Caroline’s assistance. Matt can’t help but worry that Elena will make him run more. She gets a call and runs to the courthouse. There she meets Damon who says he can’t do anything about Alaric. Elena is stunned, but Damon realizes that his alternative reaction is probably violence. He notes that he saved her life last night, and she says he should have some compassion for Bonnie and Abby. He just makes some sarcastic, self-pitying “I’m bad, you hate me” comments. She says he’ll end up alone if he doesn’t stop pushing people away.

I'm sorry, I had to include one picture of this hat.

Stefan bangs his ring on the table until Damon interrupts him to make fun of his guilt. And then these amazing lines come out of his mouth: “I was hoping we could hang. You know, a little brother bonding. I mean I know we don’t actually hang out. We team up, we join forces, we activate our wonder twin powers.” He browses through Stefan’s diaries recalling Zachariah’s funeral, and how he wasn’t the only council member to die that year. Stefan says he vaguely remembers this, but then he says it was 1912.

1912: Stefan attends “Uncle Zach’s” (another one?) funeral. A lady Lockwood and a lady Gilbert let him know that the founding members haven’t been faring so well. Of course Stefan is just thinking about how he ate their relatives. A crow lands on a tomb (yes!), signaling Damon’s appearance. It’s been fifty years, but he’s still bitter about Stefan killing their father and helping him turn into a vampire. In spite of wanting to stay away, he agrees to have a drink with Stefan. Modern day: Damon invites Stefan to a drink. Stefan assumes Damon is bored since his bff Alaric is in jail, but Damon also wants to solve a murder. Duh.

They make their way to—where else?—the Mystic Grill where Rebekah asks the mayor about old trees in Mystic Falls. She and Damon seriously check each other out; Rebekah doesn’t give Stefan a second glance. Damon tries to find a connection between the dead founders. He also warns his brother about going off human blood cold turkey. Rebekah learns that the Salvatore family might know about what trees were cut down, so she joins their conversation. Elsewhere, the sheriff interviews Alaric, but things do not look good. We remember Alaric didn’t remember his attack; he also didn’t really remember calling Meredith in the middle of the night. He thought it was alcoholism, but it’s likely more sinister. It’s actually pretty sad watching the sheriff want to believe in him, but Alaric’s pleas sound less and less convincing, even to himself.

I don't like this bros before hoes attitude.

Rebekah interrogates Damon about logging mills, while Damon and Stefan accuse one another of killing the council members. Zachariah, by the way, was a descendant of a liaison between their pious father and a maid. Damon and Rebekah trade barbs about how the other one does or doesn’t want great sex, over Stefan. He moves away and grabs a drink, denying a desire for human blood. This is awkward, not only because Stefan and Damon are brothers, but because Rebekah wanted to leave her beloved brother for Stefan. This does go along with Klaus’s warnings about how fickle Bekah is. Stefan reminds Damon that another vampire, Sage, was in Mystic Falls in 1912. Damon says, “Speaking of great sex…”

1912: Stefan tells Damon he’s had enough to drink and that he can teach him how to live on human blood. Poor man always wants the better path. Damon points out that Stefan is no great guide. They step into a boxing ring where a sexy lady beats the tar out of a man. She and Damon share a look, and she approaches him, taking for a “gambling man.” In spite of his protest, she puts a hundred dollar bill in his pants. Modern day: Rebekah knew a Sage, once: “trashy little thing.” The Salvatores ignore her, wondering if Sage is the culprit. Rebekah wants to know more about ye olde Salvatores, but Damon is a jerk, and he says it’s boys night, and she wasn’t invited.

Elena approaches Meredith, who says that Alaric has a violent past. Isobel filed two restraining orders against him. Elena “knows” Alaric is innocent, but Meredith says Elena dates vampires, so she shouldn’t be surprised that her guardian is a murderer. Bam. Elena pulls Matt into breaking and entering Meredith’s apartment. Behind a panel in her closet, they find a box full of files on the dead or nearly dead founding members.

Your grandpas were delicious.

Damon says he didn’t think Meredith could stab three grown men. He throws a dart which Rebekah catches as she says, “That’s a little bit sexist.” She’s pretty sure a lady could do that. I love you, Bekah. Stefan seems to have a headache. Rebekah notes he was more fun in the 1920s. Damon doesn’t want Stefan to get riled up. He and Bekah read from Stefan’s 1912 diary. In it Stefan makes hilarious statements about Damon wasting his life and choosing the wrong path. (Stefan also says, out loud, that he isn’t interested in slaughtering innocents anymore. Police?) Damon admits that he wasn’t having fun; he was just waiting for Katherine to be free.

1912: Damon mirthlessly kills a woman. Sage thinks his rote way of eating is sad. They’re supposed to relish in the pleasure of being a vampire. Damon says he’s spoken for, and Sage says they all are. Obviously she was connected to an Original. She points out the women in the back row of the boxing ring, singling out the Gilbert. She takes a page from the wicked book of seduction and says that the buttoned up women are the ones who secretly want to be seduced. Go for it and take it, because you can, she says.

Modern day: Rebekah says that sounds like the Sage she knows. Did she seduce one of her more staid brothers? Apparently! She says that Sage was obsessed over her brother Finn more than 900 years ago. Damon is stunned: “What! Creepy suicidal guy?” Stefan continues to bang his ring on the table. He says he needs to get out of there. Damon zooms up to him and grabs his collar, forcing him to admit he needs blood. Stefan says he’s ready to eat the entire wait staff. Damon says he’s feeling a little self-righteous, too. Bekah ships it.

It's all about us, all about us...

Matt and Elena find court records, differing times of deaths, and even a Gilbert diary. They hear Meredith’s steps and jump into the closet. When Matt tries to speak, Elena puts a finger over his lips. They hear Meredith walk away and, after sharing a moment, open the door. Meredith is right there! Elena and Matt sit in front of the sheriff who says that they have broken the law. Lady, you are not a law abiding citizen yourself. Meredith supposedly just got a letter correcting a time of death and apologized for accusing an innocent man. What about him coming at her with a knife? The sheriff says she can’t ask any questions about the records in her closet because the two of them found them by breaking the law. Elena is baffled.

Stefan storms off. Rebekah can’t believe that the conscienceless man she once loved can remain this way for long. Damon says he can; his stubborn brother swings from one extreme to the other. Damon grabs a pretty girl and compels her to be quiet as he feeds. He then says that Rebekah will kill the woman if Stefan doesn’t drink from her and stop. Stefan says he can’t, but he stops Rebekah from biting. He drinks until she is almost dead, lunging after her when Damon pushes her away. Damon feeds the poor woman blood, healing her. Elena and Matt walk out and see Stefan’s bloody mouth. Damon says she doesn’t need to make it any more dramatic than it needs to be. Matt does not want another broken hand, or more pain for Elena, and he drags her away. Damon admits this needs time. Stefan stalks away.

In the comfort of Elena’s kitchen, Matt asks what’s up with Elena and the vampire brothers. She says that with Stefan, at the beginning she felt safe, ironically, knowing that he would never stop loving her, would never die—like her parents. Damon snuck up on her, crept under her skin, and no matter what, she can’t shake him. (These relationships definitely sound toxic.) Matt heartbreakingly says, “Once you fall in love with someone, I don’t—I don’t know if you can ever fully shake them.” But he says it’s not really weird that they’re talking about this. He gives her the Gilbert journal, which he could steal since he is the only normal one in a town of vampires; he’s practically invisible. Dang, Matt. I like you. Alaric returns home. Elena hugs him. He says he’s okay but looks like he’s going to cry.

This is what an old timey lady boxer looks like.

Damon, I adore your twisted pep talks. Stefan broods in front of the fire. Damon says that even though it may not seem like it, Stefan did really well. Soon he will be the king of moderation. Elena will understand his road to recovery. Stefan doesn’t care, but Damon stops him short: no more “no humanity” Stefan. He wonders what Damon’s angle is, why does he care? Does he feel guilty about Elena? It was easier when Damon hated him. These bros have such issues of self-hate, amongst many other things. Stefan ridiculously says he doesn’t need Damon’s help. Damon says, uh, give me a break, yes you do.

1912: Damon tells Stefan to pick one. He stares at a bleeding boxer, but Damon points to the Lockwood. Stefan weakly says he’s not like that anymore, these are people. Damon says that it’s worth it, and it feels so good. Cut to Stefan drinking from the woman. Damon quietly says he knew he had it in him. He also tells him not to be greedy. But Stefan pushes Damon away and takes bite after bite until the lady’s head falls off. To Damon’s horror, his crazy brother freaks out, apologizes to the woman’s head, and blames Damon, before running away. So the bodies coming apart and together again are a burgeoning ripper trait.

Modern day: in a remarkable switch, Damon feels guilty for not stopping Stefan from going over the edge. Stefan says there’s nothing he could have done, but Damon says there was; he just didn’t want to. But he does now. And he will always be there to pull Stefan back from the edge “every second of every day that you don’t need me.” Stefan has tears in his eyes. Damon says that right now Stefan is all he has. This is too much. What a love story. Later, Stefan interrupts Damon’s drunk and melancholy piano playing to show him evidence he found. Samantha Gilbert confessed to committing the council murders ten years later. But Damon says that he killed her before then. Samantha’s not a vampire, but she may have had a magical ring—like Jeremy and Alaric.

Alaric tells Elena he doesn’t want her getting in trouble over him, since he’s supposed to be her guardian, though he sucks at it. She asks who else she is supposed to look after. She says Samanth, the author of the diary she’s reading, continues the line of crazy Gilberts. Meredith shows up and says that if Alaric lets her in, she can explain. In spite of everything, he has to trust her. Though Alaric says she’s psycho, he does. She says that this way, she cleared his name. Meredith explains to Alaric that the ring that makes him cheat death is causing him to kill people. Elena agrees. Samantha Gilbert’s jumbled diary describes her feelings of not being herself, losing time, and going mad. But why does it make him kill the vampire council members?

The Vampire Diaries: All My Children (Season 3, Episode 15)

8 a.m. aka Happy Hour.

Elena wakes up to emo music and immediately calls Stefan. Their mutually serious expressions harken back to the early episodes of season one, when they would wake up with sorrow but also with hope that they would see each other. Stefan ignores her call. She then calls a partially nude Damon, who does pick up. She says that she tried to call him 10 times last night, and if he’s mad at her he should get over it. He says he is and glances at the bombshell lying next to him in bed.

Rebekah says they shouldn’t make a big deal of this, but she expects he’ll come calling soon enough. He says she shouldn’t hold her breath. He, naked, walks a her, wearing a dress, to the door. When he opens the door, Elena is aghast. This perks Rebekah up. Note: Elena is upset at Rebekah’s presence; she doesn’t flinch at Damon’s nudity. After Rebekah leaves, Elena chastises him for sleeping with Rebekah who recently tried to kill her. Damon mocks her with her words: can’t we just get over that? She then says that Esther will kill not only Klaus, but also Elijah and Rebekah. Damon doesn’t care. Stefan shows up, agreeing with Damon, who already has a drink in his hand. Damon warns Elena not to mess this up.

Kol teases Rebekah, hoping that she did better than that “commoner” Matt. He also calls her a strumpet. What can you do, 100 years in the coffin, he’s doing pretty well. Klaus is drawing all of a sudden, apparently because we found out he draws in the previous episode. Kol is bored; he convinces Klaus to have fun with him to make up for sticking a dagger in his heart. He and Klaus have an interesting relationship. Clearly Kol annoys him to no end, but the two of them are the troublemakers. Rebekah says that this house already has too many men rolling around in it, and Kol retorts to his “scandalous” sister, “just like you.” She throws her shoes at him. Elijah shows up, worried about their mother and her privacy inducing sage. Rebekah tells him to ask Finn since he’s been doting on her, but Elijah doesn’t trust him either, because he’s always hated vampires. Rebekah doesn’t think this is true, and she believes Esther is there for one thing: to unite them. Elijah looks skeptical and sad. I love the Originals.

This may look like despair, but it is really intense boredom. The future is so dull!

Bonnie is trying that privacy spell as Elena rants about “Damon the vampire gigolo,” as Caroline puts it. Caroline’s job is to see if she can hear them in other parts of the house. Bonnie reveals that Esther met with her and her mother Abby to harness their ancestral energy during the full moon tonight. Elena admits she wants to keep Elijah alive, since he tried to do the same for her. Caroline points out that Esther is the one killing her kids, not Elena. Bonnie says, too bad, and she’s going to help Esther do it. Elena’s the one who set this in motion.  I can’t blame her, but I like the fact that Bonnie’s standing strong about this. If they’d made more tough decisions like this in the past, they would have saved innocents. Or maybe not since most of the bad guys have become good. But you know what I mean. Our heroes don’t always think about the long term. That said, I do NOT want Bonnie to succeed.

Damon says he likes having Stefan on his team, but Stefan will have none of it. Stefan doesn’t think Elena will mess up their plan, and he thinks Damon’s “date” is a bad choice. Stefan… remember when you and Rebekah were a thing? Anyway, he says Elena’s better off without either of them, and he doesn’t want to give Elena a talking to. He also turns away from the blood. Damon takes Stefan’s rejection pretty well. The Salvatores in a nutshell: together, they are a force to be reckoned with, but usually when one wants to play, the other turns away.

Elena opens the door to Elijah, who asks her to accompany him. Elijah brings her into the woods and shows her around, the same way Stefan once did. His stories of wild horses and schools being built over native villages intrigue Elena. He shows her a pile of rocks covering a cavern in which he and his family used to hide from werewolves. When he starts to mention the balance of nature, Elena gets uncomfortable. He says that her heart beats faster when she lies, and he knew he lied about his mother. She tries to explain that she thought Esther could help kill Klaus. Elijah figures that his mother wants to undo the evil she created by killing all her children. And that’s the Originals for you: Elijah is not by any means pleased to discover this, but he is not particularly surprised. Daniel Gillies is so great as Elijah—mysterious, threatening, disappointed, but with some standards. He stomps a bunch rocks down and pulls Elena into the cavern. And leaves her there. Elena wanders into Rebekah, who says she’s just hanging around, not doing much—unless Elena tries to run. In which case, she gets to kill her. [Insert cute smile from Rebekah.]

But I am a lady, Sir!

Alaric and Damon are always golden. Elena doesn’t get reception, and Damon can’t reach her. He tells Alaric to tie her up or something because she’s developing a conscience. Alaric doesn’t want to judge her for that, and he says he won’t do that because he doesn’t want to and he doesn’t have time. Alaric also jabs him about having “Original sex,” and Damon is weirded out that Elena told her guardian/teacher this. Damon notices that Stefan didn’t drink the blood he left.

Alaric’s shady doctor girlfriend Meredith says that his knife wound was partially healed, so they can’t tell anything about the killer. His head seemed unaffected too, so she suggests that he was compelled to forget. Klaus and Kol show up, Klaus saying that they shouldn’t blame the new family in town. Kol leers at Meredith as though he just got out of prison, which he basically has. (Also, there’s a funny moment when Alaric tries to lower his voice when he mentions vampires. Like they’ve ever tried to be inconspicuous.)

Abby and Bonnie approach Esther and Finn, whom Abby calls the “creepy lurky guy.” Bonnie notes that he’s a vampire, so he could hear her comment. They share a nice moment when they imagine Grams’s strong opinions on their situation. Esther thanks them for helping her stabilize the spell and expresses gratitude for Ayana. They seem really glad to meet another witch who is on their side, but Esther comes across as pretty cold.

I do not sleep with commoners.

Stefan and Damon can’t find Elena, but when they return home, they find Elijah. He tells them that Rebekah will kill Elena if the Salvatores don’t kill the Bennetts by 9:06, when the full moon has given his mother power enough to kill them all. And of course, Elena trumps all. If a whole country were to be sacrificed, everyone would do it for Elena. Let’s see what will happen, shall we? Elijah is ruthless enough to know that the Salvatores will have a better chance at killing the Bennetts, because they won’t be suspected.

Damon suggests to a detoxing Stefan that they kill the Bennetts. Stefan doesn’t want to, so Damon notes plan B: dagger Elijah. It might put down all the siblings except for Klaus, but at least it will get rid of their Elijah problem. He hopes Alaric will help them out. Caroline is also playing her role, waltzing up to the drunk Originals and drawing Klaus away from a horny Kol. He tells her to get to know him and talk about her hopes and dreams. You know, as though he isn’t the guy who has been terrorizing her town. She says she’s too smart for him. He says that’s why he likes her. Don’t fall for that “I’m not being manipulated” crap, Caroline! Manipulative people can even manipulate the unmanipulatable!

Rebekah agrees that it is annoying that everyone wants to save Elena. She shows her crazier side when she says she might want to rip Elena’s head off more than live, and her vulnerable side when she mentions that this is not how she wants to spend the last few hours of her life. Finn chooses to spend the last few hours of his life doing dirty work and lighting torches for the spell. He and his mother share a moment, and she says that her “brave Finn” will sacrifice himself to kill the rest. First, they will be turned into humans. He says that being freed of an eternity of shame is a gift. Bonnie and Abby look skeptical, impressed, and awkward. The Originals are strange. Esther looks a little regretful.

I'm concerned about our mother's drug problem.

Kol hits on Meredith, saying he likes “pretty little things with sharp tongues.” I like that his language is just out of date. Alaric tells him to get lost. When he doesn’t back down, Alaric stabs him with the magical dagger. Rebekah and Finn drop. Klaus feels it. He saves Kol and Rebekah revives. Klaus says he should have killed Damon months ago. Damon says that he’s friends with Klaus’s mummy, and she’s going to kill him. Klaus is hurt, of course. Elijah saves Damon and says that, in spite of Damon’s protests, he will have to find the Bennetts before 9.

Elena runs, and even falls (every time…) but she manages to make it into the safe, anti-vampire haven of the cave before Rebekah wakes up and gets her. Instead, Rebekah douses Elena and the cave in gasoline and throws several matches into the mix. Elena tries psychological warfare, asking Rebekah about her mother’s necklace that she’s wearing, and noting that Rebekah will use up her revenge on Elena if she kills her right away.

Meredith says that she will take care of Alaric, who should leave Stefan and Damon to Elena saving. He says her nice apartment is messy, and she says he has a broken rib due to picking fights with guys 30 times his age. Elsewhere, Damon says that hypothetically they could let Elena die for the greater good. Of course this isn’t an option. He also points out that only one of them has to do it and be hated by Elena. This is not the Salvatores on their best behavior. They don’t want to kill someone because it’s wrong, because they’re destroying a life, but because they’ll be less popular with Elena? Damon flips a coin to see who it will be.

Sorry, Bonnie. You were going to lose, either way.

Elijah, Klaus, and Kol join their mother. Finn’s instinct is to protect her, but obviously she doesn’t need it. She sends the Bennetts away. This scene masterfully shows the characters’ relationships and differing mentalities. Elijah is right when he says that a mother killing her children is an atrocity. Kol is fixated on Finn being their parents’ favorite. Finn and Kol seem to be opposites; one enjoys vampire life, the other despises it. Esther says Finn knows virtue Kol can’t imagine. Klaus is just bored, ready to send his mother back to hell. Esther gives a speech, with tears in her eyes, about how she has had to experience the pain of every innocent victim, from Klaus, Kol, and even Elijah. She says that they are a curse on this earth, stretched out over generations.

Stefan meets Bonnie. Can’t Bonnie incapacitate Stefan? I guess not if she’s being channeled. She says that whatever he does, Esther will channel all their witch ancestors. Stefan says, not if one of them isn’t a witch. Damon feeds Abby his blood and breaks her neck! Loophole! I honestly didn’t thought of this one. Esther cries, asking the sisters to not to abandon her. They do, and Finn whisks Esther away. Elijah and his brothers look more puzzled than relieved.

Rebekah says Elena is free to go. She tells her that Abby is a vampire and Rebekah will enjoy watching Elena suffer. Elena wants to comfort Bonnie, who is sitting at the feet of her mother, now to become what Bonnie has hated. Caroline tells Elena that Bonnie can’t see her right now. Bonnie loves Elena, and is glad she is safe, but Bonnie is on the Rebekah and me train by noting that Elena is not the only person on the planet, and people often have to suffer to save her. Nina Dobrev does a wonderful job of conveying the fact that Elena’s understanding of this makes her feel worse, not better.

Getting regretful.

Damon apparently lost the coin toss, but, being a hero, he turned Abby. Damon said he’d seen the old Stefan shining through, and Elena chose Stefan even on Damon’s better days. Stefan hadn’t had human blood since his horrible moment on Wickery Bridge. Damon says that Stefan has enough to feel guilty about, and Elena is better off without Damon. Alone, Elena finds a note on her bed, not from a Salvatore, but from Elijah, the politest kidnapper ever. He apologizes for what he did, tells her to hold on to her compassion, and explains that he did this for his family.

Elijah and Rebekah have a subdued reunion. Rebekah asks, where the hell is everyone? Though alive, the Original family is broken. Elijah says they don’t have a mother, only Esther, who was right about them being immoral. Rebekah says they deserve to live because they are better than them, but Elijah doesn’t necessarily think so; he says that their mother made them vampires, not monsters. To be fair, it’s very hard not to be a monstrous vampire. I love these philosophical, elitist siblings.

Klaus burns his sketches of Caroline. Kol, Finn, and Esther have left. Elijah is leaving. Rebekah points out that Klaus never abandoned her. (Instead he staked her. Doesn’t really seem like a good deal.) She shows him the cave drawings they’d never seen. Apparently, a new tree grew where the magical white oak tree died. The Originals are still vulnerable. In Meredith’s darkened apartment, Alaric wakes up to find his weapons and medical records of the serial killer’s victims. Meredith says that he wasn’t supposed to see that before shooting him. First of all, that’s what happens when you leave this stuff lying around. Second of all, is this supposed to be surprising? There must be more to the story. Third of all, are the Originals going to be gone for a while? Say it ain’t so.

The Vampire Diaries: Dangerous Liasons (Season 3, Episode 14)

Katherine was lying when she said Stefan was the better dancer.

Matt and Elena leave Alaric at the hospital. Someone is watching them. They get into their dark cars to drive away, separately. Elena backs up into something, but when she gets out, nothing is there. That’s the oldest trick in the vampire book! A vengeful Rebekah declares her anger at being stabbed, before trying to bite Elena’s neck. Elijah shows up and saves the day. Her brother asks if this is a challenge. She calls both of them pathetic.

Elijah catches Elena up, and she relays the information to Stefan and Damon. The Salvatores are understandably concerned. Damon asks if anyone is feeling used right now, and says that he thought Esther’s “hybrid freakshow of a son” ripped out her heart a thousand years ago. Elena attributes Esther’s survival to her connection to witches on the other side. Then, because the Originals rule, Elena receives an invitation to their ball. This invite is signed with a personal note: Esther hopes she and Elena finally meet.

The Originals are fabulous and fine. The sexy family gets ready for their ball, as though their brother hasn’t made them comatose for years, in some cases centuries. Kol is apparently vain (and slightly incestuous with Beks? I’m sorry, I’m not making this stuff up) and doesn’t get along well with Klaus. Poor Klaus appears to be a petulant child next to the rest of his family. He whines that Rebekah already tried to ruin his life by killing the doppelganger, and his mother has to point out that he’s STABBED his siblings and messed up a good chunk of their lives. She has been sentient in the afterlife for a thousand years, which is supossedly why she has worked through her anger and reached forgiveness. He is touched by this, but Klaus’s vulnerability will probably only lead to disappointment and tragedy. His mom even asks who he’s taking to the prom.

These lips were made to say "ravishing."

Elena wants to go. Damon disagrees due to it being dangerous, but Stefan agrees due to him “not caring.” Damon wants to go back to the Stefan who cared about Elena, so Stefan volunteers to go. Damon heroically volunteers himself, countering, “You’ve pissed off enough originals to last a lifetime.” Elsewhere, Caroline gets a heartrending message from Tyler, stating that he loves her, he offers his condolences about her father, and he is trying to fix himself. She then receives a beautiful dress and an invitation to the ball from Klaus. She just wonders WTF? I would be a lot more terrified.

Elena and Caroline get a bit of the high school drama they’ve been missing lately. Elena wants to go to the ball with Caroline, but she thinks Stefan would look better in a tux. (Does she know how nuts he’s been lately?) She also admits that Bonnie spilled the beans about Elena and Damon, but she’s more hurt that she missed out on the gossip than that Elena kissed Damon. Then Rebekah asks Matt out right in front of them. Caroline asks when the stupid dance is.

At the ball, the mayor tells Damon she plans to keep the peace with the Originals. Kol introduces himself, trying to be suave, but Damon seems to recognize him. Kol rudely says Damon isn’t very memorable. Then he is star struck as Elena steps through the door, accompanied by corny but effective music. Stefan arrives to ask her to dance. Damon’s annoyed to see both of them. She doesn’t care. Stefan offers an arm, as does Damon, and the three of them walk together. MOMENTUS MOMENT ALERT.

Dibs.

Caroline looks through her dresses, and because she doesn’t like any of her 50 options, she decides to go with Klaus’s gift. Good idea. And by that I mean bad idea; this guy who gave you that will take it as a message. And he is insane. She walks in looking gorgeous. Klaus greets her, but she blushes, probably uncomfortable, and walks away.

Finn, who is more my type than Kol, and remarkably polite for a dude who lived 900 years ago, tells Elena that she has to be alone to meet his mother. Elijah is then joined by his family on the staircase, and I almost can’t continue from the awesomeness surplus. How could anyone in Mystic Falls deny them? Or not guess that they are vampires? Elijah says they will commence with a dance. Esther heads upstairs. Damon stops Elena from following Esther into a “lion’s den.” He then asks her to dance. Stefan watches. This is reminiscent of the nightmare Katherine once planted in his head.

This episode is laying the cheese on thick: cue dance scene. Damon says Elena looks stunning, “if it isn’t obvious.” She seems genuinely grateful for the compliment. Damon knows how to lighten the mood. Klaus stares at Caroline as she uneasily dances with him. She stares at Matt and Bekah as Klaus tries to make conversation. He points out that she wore both his bracelet and his dress. When she says she was Miss Mystic Falls, he just says, “I know.” Watch out for this one. He is terrifying, but he’s had 1,000 years to practice seduction!

I don't love you Elena. Not at all. Don't care. Nope.

Caroline moves on to Matt and asks why he danced with Beks, and Matt asks about the worthiness of her dancing partner. Elena dances into the arms of Stefan. She comments on his dancing, and you can see in their faces the awkward strain of exes who remember how things used to be. Stefan makes a quip about Damon, before saying that Elena can take care of herself. She says she has to talk to him alone. Damon, meanwhile, is dancing with Rebekah, who is staring at Matt and Caroline, her nemesis. He says she’s no dog but that she doesn’t get compliments since she tried to kill Elena. Caveman, she retorts.

Outside, Elena says that she needs to get to Esther. Stefan says she can, if she feels she is up to it. Elena says that at least his respect for her decisions hasn’t changed. Stefan’s façade that he wants to kill Klaus more than anything is still there, but barely. Damon finds Elena before she goes to Esther, but Stefan BREAKS HIS BACK (NECK?). Hopefully they won’t need Damon immediately. Shaken, Elena nervously walks towards Esther’s room.

Elijah, lovely in a tux, says he finds his mother’s forgiveness difficult to believe. He asks that Elena tell him what Esther says. The Originals have family troubles. Finn and Esther are preparing something when Elena enters. Finn leaves. Esther says that Ayana, Bonnie’s ancestor (so this show is saying all black people are related? Sigh), preserved her body. But she was punished for turning her family into vampires by spending 1,000 years on the other side. Esther wants to undo what she did, with Elena’s help.

I cut the other sleeve off with a newfangled contraption called scissors.

Bekah asks Kol to help her kill Matt to make Elena suffer and take some of the blame off her. Unlike Finn, Kol isn’t a Momma’s boy. He wants to spit in the face of her rules. Is he more spoiled than Klaus? Kol is itching to kill someone. He wants to make a spectacle of it, but Rebekah says he sounds like an idiot.

Caroline spends time with one of the horses (?). Klaus joins her and tries more manipulative tactics, favorably comparing the loyalty of horses to humans’. He says that his father beheaded his horse, and his relationship with him was much more complicated than Caroline’s with her father. And that is saying something. Caroline says that she let her father go with no regrets and she likes humans and they like her. BAM.

Esther says that her children are abominations and monsters, and it is her duty to kill them. She can only kill them with magic and Elena’s blood. She can link them by making them drink a few drops. She tells her not to tell Elijah, especially. Elena is a tad flabbergasted. If this were reality, Esther would be absolutely right. Since it’s not, I don’t want her to kill her beautiful children. Elena decides to lie to Elijah about his mother’s intentions. Esther toasts to her family and they all drink the bloody champagne. No, Elijah, please don’t die!

Can't his rich friends fork out some money for this guy?

Rebekah leads Matt outside, who goes to his truck to get a jacket, which he puts around her shoulders—even though she’s a vampire and doesn’t need it. Killer that she is, inside she’s a softy. Matt’s gentlemanly ways prompt her to lead him back inside, away from Kol. Inside, Kol confronts Rebekah, realizing that she likes Matt because he gave her “five seconds of his attention.” Poor Bekah, almost as needy as her brother.

Klaus shows Caroline some art. She recognizes a piece from the Louvre. Others are his drawings. He says he’ll take her to all sorts of museums and cities. In these moments he’s almost human, but Caroline jabs him about Tyler and his hybrids. He says in spite of his fun evening, she has to leave. She says he tries to buy people off, or compel them, or sire them, to make up for his father not loving him. Caroline goes home and leaves a message for Tyler, saying she misses him. She also finds a drawing of herself and horse on her bed. On the drawing, Klaus thanks her for her honesty.

Damon awakens and is furious at Stefan, who tells him that his emotions are getting in the way. Damon’s reaction, “My emotions? How is this even happening right now?” This is a real soap opera. Damon tries to get Elena to leave, and they exchange words about Stefan and how she doesn’t like cutting Damon out of the picture. He says he wants to protect her because he loves her, and Elena says maybe that’s the problem. Damon observes the irony that he cares too much. Will this send him back over the edge?

Merry Christmas!

Kol lures Matt out onto the balcony and turns a handshake into a death grip. Damon comes to his rescue, declaring that Matt needs his hands because he’s a quarterback. He pushes Kol off the balcony, jumps down, and begins pummeling him. Why isn’t Kol stronger? Maybe he just didn’t have time to react. Seemingly the whole party comes outside. Stefan, ironically, asks if Damon is crazy. He says “maybe a little.”

Interestingly, Esther blames Kol and Rebekah for the violence. She knows what’s going on. She shares an affectionate moment with Elijah who promises it won’t happen again. Esther says she wishes the others were more like him. After Elijah leaves, Finn joins her, apparently in on the spell.  His old school mentality comes through when he says he will be ready to die when the time comes. She sheds his blood and somehow bonds the siblings so they “are one.”

Elena shares her regrets about signing Elijah’s and the others’ death sentences. While Stefan jokingly calls the murderous Esther the mother of the year, he says that the rest are collateral damage. She admits that she said something she didn’t mean to Damon. Stefan says he also said something he didn’t mean. Elena tries to get Stefan to open up again, to feel everything and stop pretending not to care. He comes close, but he admits that when he starts to feel, all he knows is pain.

Rebekah tries to hit up Matt, who is getting drunk at the bar because his broken hand isn’t covered by health insurance. Such a Matt story. He says that she’s pretty and fun, but she needs to stay away. A wasted Damon says adolescence stings—she was dumped by the football captain—and that she needs someone more durable. The two hot messes then get it on like crazy.

What showoff came to the party in a horse and carriage?

The Vampire Diaries: Bringing Out the Dead (Season 3, Episode 13)

I hate you, but I love you.

Elijah is none too happy to wake from death and find his family members comatose. He attacks Klaus, and Klaus puts him in his place before saying that he will reveal secrets about their mother’s death. He says Elijah must stand by him, so he can unite his family—after he retrieves the final coffin and destroys Stefan.  Klaus and Elijah also make a reference to Kol (dead one century) and Finn (dead nine centuries, interesting); apparently Elijah thinks Kol would be less forgiving than he.

Elena teases Alaric about his hangover, as if this is uncommon. He admits to drunk dialing Meredith his crush at two in the morning. Elena just smiles and shakes her head at her alcoholic history professor/guardian. She steps out to meet Sheriff Forbes. Sheriff says that they are about to have an unconventional conversation (more unconventional than hunting supernatural creatures?), and she decides to say this outside in broad daylight. The murder weapon found in the medical examiner belonged to Elena’s parents and has only Elena’s fingerprints.

Damon finds it funny that Elena is a prime suspect. He is convinced it’s Meredith, which Alaric and Elena refuse to believe. Elena’s confidence comes from the fact that Alaric has to luck out at least once when it comes to romance. Alaric thinks it’s Klaus. Elena suggests Stefan. I love how they come to realize how long the list of suspects is. Damon says it almost makes him miss bunny snacking Stefan, but he has to go have tea with a friend. This means suggestive innuendo between Elijah and Damon. Damon calls Elijah his favorite Original and says he cleans up nice. He also signed his letter to Elijah XOXO. They begin to discuss Klaus’s destruction and the magical coffin.

Now I have to make up for months of not choking people.

Stefan leads the Bennetts into the cave that blocks entrance from vampires. He stops at the mouth and is rather rude to Abby (understandably considering their past, but these folks forgive anything). He insists she digs deep for magic so she and Bonnie can open the coffin. Stefan also says something about making choices and taking the consequences, because they chose to follow Stefan there, but obviously he is referring to his own issues. Elena is there when Stefan leaves, and she asks if he killed the medical examiner. Stefan is ridiculously insulted, asking if Elena asked Damon the same question. Sorry, dude, you have been sucking girls dry in the not so distant past, and even more recently you threatened to kill your ex-girlfriend.

Caroline tries to pick up her father from the hospital, but he isn’t there. Meredith says he was furious that she used vampire blood to heal him. Caroline is remarkably forgiving, and Meredith points out it must be hard to have a father to hate you for what you can’t change about yourself. But Meredith says she doesn’t expose vampires. (Vampire council once again = FAIL.) Also, Meredith suspiciously got no sleep last night. Elena is also there to check out Meredith. Caroline calls her dad, but her vampire ears hear his phone ringing. She opens and door and walks into a darkened room to find him slumped on the floor, stabbed in the stomach. Caroline pulls the knife out of her father, crying, “Don’t be dead.” As soon as Elena points out that he has vampire blood in his system, Bill snaps to life—a vampire. Such irony.

Damon and Stefan scenes are always good. Damon instructs Stefan to get dressed because they are going on a double date with Elijah and Klaus. Too bad Stefan gets dressed, but he doesn’t trust Elijah who betrayed them last time. Damon says Stefan’s as trustworthy as Elijah, Stefan throws that at Damon since he kissed Elena, and Damon says that he wouldn’t have kissed Elena if it weren’t for Klaus’s shenanigans.

Sometimes it seems that incest is as much a taboo to a vampire as murder.

Caroline and Elena are horrified to learn that Bill is prepared to die rather than turn into a vampire. Duh. He hates vampires. He also says he didn’t see who killed him. At the Gilbert home, Alaric compiles his massive vampire killing collection from around the far corners of the earth. He comes to the conclusion that Meredith must be guilty, since she was around both of the offending weapons at one point. Elena pats Alaric on the arm in a commiserating “I know what it’s like to love psychos” gesture before heading out to comfort Caroline. But this seems too simple. Someone is trying to frame the Gilberts or their cohorts.

Elijah and Klaus greet Stefan and Damon. (Too many sexy male vampires in the room at once, accompanied by several women/slaves (Damon approves).) Stefan says he doesn’t want to be there. Klaus says he will rip out their insides if they don’t dine with him. And one of the most homoerotic scenes in Vampire Diaries history continues. Tension between exes Stefan and Klaus escalate when Stefan mentions Rebekah and says he doesn’t want to kiss Klaus’s ass. Klaus says he’s confessed killing his mother to Elijah already. Damon says they were supposed to leave grumpy Stefan and home, and Stefan shouldn’t pass judgment on Klaus since he committed patricide. Damon tells him to pace himself. He also says he woke Elijah because “the more, the merrier” as he winks at him. Not to mention Klaus says, “Isn’t it nice, the four of us dining together? Such a treat.”

Elena comforts Caroline outside her house and throws around the word choice. It’s Caroline’s father’s choice to die. She wonders if Tyler stabbed him. Like I said, the list of Mystic Falls murder suspects is endless. Caroline struggles with hating her father, who is currently with her mother, and wanting to save him. She and Elena talk about dead fathers and how hard it is when you know they won’t be there for certain things. As Caroline cries, Matt shows up to support her. (Side note: the two are as surprised to see him as they are a ghost.)

Have you been working out? I have missed a lot.

Elijah asks Stefan about that babe Elena, and Stefan replies that he should ask Damon. Klaus guffaws at this and notes that Elijah missed so much. Stefan says that if Klaus mentions Elena again this dinner is over. Klaus smiles and puts his finger over his mouth. Oh you two. Klaus and Elijah tell the same story with Tatia, the original doppelganger. Every boy wanted her, but Klaus and Elijah loved her the most. They fought. Their mother used Tatia’s blood in the spell that made them vampires. And they reconciled, choosing family over all. Damon gives Stefan a look.

Bonnie updates her mother and they look at a grimoire. It shows a binding spell that requires two generations; they wonder if they work together, can they unbind the coffin? Abby says the witches won’t give her powers back. They’ve been trying to no avail. Bonnie (deservedly) sticks the knife in her mother and says she pretended she was dead since she knew nothing about her and no one talked about her. She said the one way Abby can prove how sorry she is is by opening herself up to the spirits. This pep talk works and they crack open the coffin. Bonnie goes to call Damon. Meanwhile, the coffin lid flies open. Ah!

Damon gets a text from Bonnie. He announces the deal as this: they return the coffin, the originals leave. Elijah says that’s fair, but Klaus points out he’s never going to leave Elena, his doppelganger blood. He also says that Damon and Stefan are the worst things in Elena’s life. They think they can protect her, but she will end up dead or a vampire. Damon goes to “get some air,” Elijah follows him, and Klaus offers Stefan a “drink,” aka a girl. Klaus bites into her as Stefan watches.

This hurts me as much as it hurts you!

Matt walks Elena home. Even he points out that this town is messed up; none of them should have to live this way. Inside, the power is out. They grab flashlights and see a puddle of blood, as well as bloody foot and handprints. Scary! They follow the trail to a stabbed Alaric. No! Alaric says Elena, the doppelganger, has to kill him, so he’ll die a supernatural death and be saved by his ring. But 1) Matt points out this is messed up and 2) Alaric’s ring is running out of steam. Elena stabs him anyway. Yikes. This poor girl. Matt holds Elena, who remains sitting over Alaric’s still dead body. Note: the themes of this episode are choices and family. Matt is alarmed to see Alaric cough back to life. (Thank goodness.) The sheriff tells Elena that Meredith was in surgery for the past six hours, so she has an alibi.

Klaus drinks the “delicious” girl and says that Stefan’s done well at messing up his relationship with Damon, no help needed from him. When Damon and Elijah return, Klaus offers to protect Elena and have her marry someone like Matt. Stefan shakes Klaus’s hand but then says “nice try,” so Klaus breaks Stefan’s arm and leg and shoves his hand into the fireplace. Elijah prevents Damon from helping him. To save his brother, and because luckily Bonnie has made progress, he agrees to grab the coffin. Elijah joins him.

This plot line is too depressing for me to delve into: Bill compliments Caroline and tells her how much he loves her, but he sticks to his beliefs that humans aren’t supposed to cheat death. Parents aren’t supposed to outlive their children. She pleads with him, saying that he’s so strong, he could survive vampire-hood, that he can’t leave her. He says it’s his choice—key word, obviously. He also says that she is wonderful, beautiful, and good, but this is life. He slowly dies, and Caroline and her mother cry over his body.

Klaus, why do you do this and then expect me to be your friend?

Stefan tells Klaus to kill him since he’ll just kill him after Damon and Elijah return. Klaus says that Stefan really has given up. He pushes him and asks where’s the fight in him, where’s the ripper. Even now Klaus can’t give him up. Kind of romantic in a completely messed up way. Unfortunately, they are interrupted. Fortunately, it is by Elijah, Damon, two stakes, and ORIGINAL OVERLOAD, YES: Rebekah, Kol, and Finn begin to attack Klaus. Elijah says he’s learned not to trust Klaus’s lies. He tells Stefan and Damon to move it because this is family business.

Stefan and Damon share a sweet moment when Stefan basically thanks Damon for saving him and Damon says that he owes Stefan for all the times he saved him. Elena calls and Damon actually ignores it for the time being. The two of them admit to loving her. Stefan and Damon go to the cave and find Bonnie and her mother unconscious and the coffin empty.

The Original siblings turn their backs on Klaus. They say that they will forever leave him alone, murder the doppelganger, and kill him with what is in the fourth coffin. They also compare him to their father, which enrages him. Poor Klaus is a mess. He is such a psycho, and he is so distraught. Then the contents of the fourth coffin arrive: their mother. Klaus assumes she is here to kill him, but she says that he is her son, so she is there to forgive him. She wants them to be a family. How awesome is this? First it’s amazing (if sad) that the whole family ganged up against Klaus. Now the band might get back together, and the rest of Mystic Falls and even THE WORLD are in big trouble.