The Vampire Diaries: All My Children (Season 3, Episode 15)

8 a.m. aka Happy Hour.

Elena wakes up to emo music and immediately calls Stefan. Their mutually serious expressions harken back to the early episodes of season one, when they would wake up with sorrow but also with hope that they would see each other. Stefan ignores her call. She then calls a partially nude Damon, who does pick up. She says that she tried to call him 10 times last night, and if he’s mad at her he should get over it. He says he is and glances at the bombshell lying next to him in bed.

Rebekah says they shouldn’t make a big deal of this, but she expects he’ll come calling soon enough. He says she shouldn’t hold her breath. He, naked, walks a her, wearing a dress, to the door. When he opens the door, Elena is aghast. This perks Rebekah up. Note: Elena is upset at Rebekah’s presence; she doesn’t flinch at Damon’s nudity. After Rebekah leaves, Elena chastises him for sleeping with Rebekah who recently tried to kill her. Damon mocks her with her words: can’t we just get over that? She then says that Esther will kill not only Klaus, but also Elijah and Rebekah. Damon doesn’t care. Stefan shows up, agreeing with Damon, who already has a drink in his hand. Damon warns Elena not to mess this up.

Kol teases Rebekah, hoping that she did better than that “commoner” Matt. He also calls her a strumpet. What can you do, 100 years in the coffin, he’s doing pretty well. Klaus is drawing all of a sudden, apparently because we found out he draws in the previous episode. Kol is bored; he convinces Klaus to have fun with him to make up for sticking a dagger in his heart. He and Klaus have an interesting relationship. Clearly Kol annoys him to no end, but the two of them are the troublemakers. Rebekah says that this house already has too many men rolling around in it, and Kol retorts to his “scandalous” sister, “just like you.” She throws her shoes at him. Elijah shows up, worried about their mother and her privacy inducing sage. Rebekah tells him to ask Finn since he’s been doting on her, but Elijah doesn’t trust him either, because he’s always hated vampires. Rebekah doesn’t think this is true, and she believes Esther is there for one thing: to unite them. Elijah looks skeptical and sad. I love the Originals.

This may look like despair, but it is really intense boredom. The future is so dull!

Bonnie is trying that privacy spell as Elena rants about “Damon the vampire gigolo,” as Caroline puts it. Caroline’s job is to see if she can hear them in other parts of the house. Bonnie reveals that Esther met with her and her mother Abby to harness their ancestral energy during the full moon tonight. Elena admits she wants to keep Elijah alive, since he tried to do the same for her. Caroline points out that Esther is the one killing her kids, not Elena. Bonnie says, too bad, and she’s going to help Esther do it. Elena’s the one who set this in motion.  I can’t blame her, but I like the fact that Bonnie’s standing strong about this. If they’d made more tough decisions like this in the past, they would have saved innocents. Or maybe not since most of the bad guys have become good. But you know what I mean. Our heroes don’t always think about the long term. That said, I do NOT want Bonnie to succeed.

Damon says he likes having Stefan on his team, but Stefan will have none of it. Stefan doesn’t think Elena will mess up their plan, and he thinks Damon’s “date” is a bad choice. Stefan… remember when you and Rebekah were a thing? Anyway, he says Elena’s better off without either of them, and he doesn’t want to give Elena a talking to. He also turns away from the blood. Damon takes Stefan’s rejection pretty well. The Salvatores in a nutshell: together, they are a force to be reckoned with, but usually when one wants to play, the other turns away.

Elena opens the door to Elijah, who asks her to accompany him. Elijah brings her into the woods and shows her around, the same way Stefan once did. His stories of wild horses and schools being built over native villages intrigue Elena. He shows her a pile of rocks covering a cavern in which he and his family used to hide from werewolves. When he starts to mention the balance of nature, Elena gets uncomfortable. He says that her heart beats faster when she lies, and he knew he lied about his mother. She tries to explain that she thought Esther could help kill Klaus. Elijah figures that his mother wants to undo the evil she created by killing all her children. And that’s the Originals for you: Elijah is not by any means pleased to discover this, but he is not particularly surprised. Daniel Gillies is so great as Elijah—mysterious, threatening, disappointed, but with some standards. He stomps a bunch rocks down and pulls Elena into the cavern. And leaves her there. Elena wanders into Rebekah, who says she’s just hanging around, not doing much—unless Elena tries to run. In which case, she gets to kill her. [Insert cute smile from Rebekah.]

But I am a lady, Sir!

Alaric and Damon are always golden. Elena doesn’t get reception, and Damon can’t reach her. He tells Alaric to tie her up or something because she’s developing a conscience. Alaric doesn’t want to judge her for that, and he says he won’t do that because he doesn’t want to and he doesn’t have time. Alaric also jabs him about having “Original sex,” and Damon is weirded out that Elena told her guardian/teacher this. Damon notices that Stefan didn’t drink the blood he left.

Alaric’s shady doctor girlfriend Meredith says that his knife wound was partially healed, so they can’t tell anything about the killer. His head seemed unaffected too, so she suggests that he was compelled to forget. Klaus and Kol show up, Klaus saying that they shouldn’t blame the new family in town. Kol leers at Meredith as though he just got out of prison, which he basically has. (Also, there’s a funny moment when Alaric tries to lower his voice when he mentions vampires. Like they’ve ever tried to be inconspicuous.)

Abby and Bonnie approach Esther and Finn, whom Abby calls the “creepy lurky guy.” Bonnie notes that he’s a vampire, so he could hear her comment. They share a nice moment when they imagine Grams’s strong opinions on their situation. Esther thanks them for helping her stabilize the spell and expresses gratitude for Ayana. They seem really glad to meet another witch who is on their side, but Esther comes across as pretty cold.

I do not sleep with commoners.

Stefan and Damon can’t find Elena, but when they return home, they find Elijah. He tells them that Rebekah will kill Elena if the Salvatores don’t kill the Bennetts by 9:06, when the full moon has given his mother power enough to kill them all. And of course, Elena trumps all. If a whole country were to be sacrificed, everyone would do it for Elena. Let’s see what will happen, shall we? Elijah is ruthless enough to know that the Salvatores will have a better chance at killing the Bennetts, because they won’t be suspected.

Damon suggests to a detoxing Stefan that they kill the Bennetts. Stefan doesn’t want to, so Damon notes plan B: dagger Elijah. It might put down all the siblings except for Klaus, but at least it will get rid of their Elijah problem. He hopes Alaric will help them out. Caroline is also playing her role, waltzing up to the drunk Originals and drawing Klaus away from a horny Kol. He tells her to get to know him and talk about her hopes and dreams. You know, as though he isn’t the guy who has been terrorizing her town. She says she’s too smart for him. He says that’s why he likes her. Don’t fall for that “I’m not being manipulated” crap, Caroline! Manipulative people can even manipulate the unmanipulatable!

Rebekah agrees that it is annoying that everyone wants to save Elena. She shows her crazier side when she says she might want to rip Elena’s head off more than live, and her vulnerable side when she mentions that this is not how she wants to spend the last few hours of her life. Finn chooses to spend the last few hours of his life doing dirty work and lighting torches for the spell. He and his mother share a moment, and she says that her “brave Finn” will sacrifice himself to kill the rest. First, they will be turned into humans. He says that being freed of an eternity of shame is a gift. Bonnie and Abby look skeptical, impressed, and awkward. The Originals are strange. Esther looks a little regretful.

I'm concerned about our mother's drug problem.

Kol hits on Meredith, saying he likes “pretty little things with sharp tongues.” I like that his language is just out of date. Alaric tells him to get lost. When he doesn’t back down, Alaric stabs him with the magical dagger. Rebekah and Finn drop. Klaus feels it. He saves Kol and Rebekah revives. Klaus says he should have killed Damon months ago. Damon says that he’s friends with Klaus’s mummy, and she’s going to kill him. Klaus is hurt, of course. Elijah saves Damon and says that, in spite of Damon’s protests, he will have to find the Bennetts before 9.

Elena runs, and even falls (every time…) but she manages to make it into the safe, anti-vampire haven of the cave before Rebekah wakes up and gets her. Instead, Rebekah douses Elena and the cave in gasoline and throws several matches into the mix. Elena tries psychological warfare, asking Rebekah about her mother’s necklace that she’s wearing, and noting that Rebekah will use up her revenge on Elena if she kills her right away.

Meredith says that she will take care of Alaric, who should leave Stefan and Damon to Elena saving. He says her nice apartment is messy, and she says he has a broken rib due to picking fights with guys 30 times his age. Elsewhere, Damon says that hypothetically they could let Elena die for the greater good. Of course this isn’t an option. He also points out that only one of them has to do it and be hated by Elena. This is not the Salvatores on their best behavior. They don’t want to kill someone because it’s wrong, because they’re destroying a life, but because they’ll be less popular with Elena? Damon flips a coin to see who it will be.

Sorry, Bonnie. You were going to lose, either way.

Elijah, Klaus, and Kol join their mother. Finn’s instinct is to protect her, but obviously she doesn’t need it. She sends the Bennetts away. This scene masterfully shows the characters’ relationships and differing mentalities. Elijah is right when he says that a mother killing her children is an atrocity. Kol is fixated on Finn being their parents’ favorite. Finn and Kol seem to be opposites; one enjoys vampire life, the other despises it. Esther says Finn knows virtue Kol can’t imagine. Klaus is just bored, ready to send his mother back to hell. Esther gives a speech, with tears in her eyes, about how she has had to experience the pain of every innocent victim, from Klaus, Kol, and even Elijah. She says that they are a curse on this earth, stretched out over generations.

Stefan meets Bonnie. Can’t Bonnie incapacitate Stefan? I guess not if she’s being channeled. She says that whatever he does, Esther will channel all their witch ancestors. Stefan says, not if one of them isn’t a witch. Damon feeds Abby his blood and breaks her neck! Loophole! I honestly didn’t thought of this one. Esther cries, asking the sisters to not to abandon her. They do, and Finn whisks Esther away. Elijah and his brothers look more puzzled than relieved.

Rebekah says Elena is free to go. She tells her that Abby is a vampire and Rebekah will enjoy watching Elena suffer. Elena wants to comfort Bonnie, who is sitting at the feet of her mother, now to become what Bonnie has hated. Caroline tells Elena that Bonnie can’t see her right now. Bonnie loves Elena, and is glad she is safe, but Bonnie is on the Rebekah and me train by noting that Elena is not the only person on the planet, and people often have to suffer to save her. Nina Dobrev does a wonderful job of conveying the fact that Elena’s understanding of this makes her feel worse, not better.

Getting regretful.

Damon apparently lost the coin toss, but, being a hero, he turned Abby. Damon said he’d seen the old Stefan shining through, and Elena chose Stefan even on Damon’s better days. Stefan hadn’t had human blood since his horrible moment on Wickery Bridge. Damon says that Stefan has enough to feel guilty about, and Elena is better off without Damon. Alone, Elena finds a note on her bed, not from a Salvatore, but from Elijah, the politest kidnapper ever. He apologizes for what he did, tells her to hold on to her compassion, and explains that he did this for his family.

Elijah and Rebekah have a subdued reunion. Rebekah asks, where the hell is everyone? Though alive, the Original family is broken. Elijah says they don’t have a mother, only Esther, who was right about them being immoral. Rebekah says they deserve to live because they are better than them, but Elijah doesn’t necessarily think so; he says that their mother made them vampires, not monsters. To be fair, it’s very hard not to be a monstrous vampire. I love these philosophical, elitist siblings.

Klaus burns his sketches of Caroline. Kol, Finn, and Esther have left. Elijah is leaving. Rebekah points out that Klaus never abandoned her. (Instead he staked her. Doesn’t really seem like a good deal.) She shows him the cave drawings they’d never seen. Apparently, a new tree grew where the magical white oak tree died. The Originals are still vulnerable. In Meredith’s darkened apartment, Alaric wakes up to find his weapons and medical records of the serial killer’s victims. Meredith says that he wasn’t supposed to see that before shooting him. First of all, that’s what happens when you leave this stuff lying around. Second of all, is this supposed to be surprising? There must be more to the story. Third of all, are the Originals going to be gone for a while? Say it ain’t so.