The Vampire Diaries: All My Children (Season 3, Episode 15)

8 a.m. aka Happy Hour.

Elena wakes up to emo music and immediately calls Stefan. Their mutually serious expressions harken back to the early episodes of season one, when they would wake up with sorrow but also with hope that they would see each other. Stefan ignores her call. She then calls a partially nude Damon, who does pick up. She says that she tried to call him 10 times last night, and if he’s mad at her he should get over it. He says he is and glances at the bombshell lying next to him in bed.

Rebekah says they shouldn’t make a big deal of this, but she expects he’ll come calling soon enough. He says she shouldn’t hold her breath. He, naked, walks a her, wearing a dress, to the door. When he opens the door, Elena is aghast. This perks Rebekah up. Note: Elena is upset at Rebekah’s presence; she doesn’t flinch at Damon’s nudity. After Rebekah leaves, Elena chastises him for sleeping with Rebekah who recently tried to kill her. Damon mocks her with her words: can’t we just get over that? She then says that Esther will kill not only Klaus, but also Elijah and Rebekah. Damon doesn’t care. Stefan shows up, agreeing with Damon, who already has a drink in his hand. Damon warns Elena not to mess this up.

Kol teases Rebekah, hoping that she did better than that “commoner” Matt. He also calls her a strumpet. What can you do, 100 years in the coffin, he’s doing pretty well. Klaus is drawing all of a sudden, apparently because we found out he draws in the previous episode. Kol is bored; he convinces Klaus to have fun with him to make up for sticking a dagger in his heart. He and Klaus have an interesting relationship. Clearly Kol annoys him to no end, but the two of them are the troublemakers. Rebekah says that this house already has too many men rolling around in it, and Kol retorts to his “scandalous” sister, “just like you.” She throws her shoes at him. Elijah shows up, worried about their mother and her privacy inducing sage. Rebekah tells him to ask Finn since he’s been doting on her, but Elijah doesn’t trust him either, because he’s always hated vampires. Rebekah doesn’t think this is true, and she believes Esther is there for one thing: to unite them. Elijah looks skeptical and sad. I love the Originals.

This may look like despair, but it is really intense boredom. The future is so dull!

Bonnie is trying that privacy spell as Elena rants about “Damon the vampire gigolo,” as Caroline puts it. Caroline’s job is to see if she can hear them in other parts of the house. Bonnie reveals that Esther met with her and her mother Abby to harness their ancestral energy during the full moon tonight. Elena admits she wants to keep Elijah alive, since he tried to do the same for her. Caroline points out that Esther is the one killing her kids, not Elena. Bonnie says, too bad, and she’s going to help Esther do it. Elena’s the one who set this in motion.  I can’t blame her, but I like the fact that Bonnie’s standing strong about this. If they’d made more tough decisions like this in the past, they would have saved innocents. Or maybe not since most of the bad guys have become good. But you know what I mean. Our heroes don’t always think about the long term. That said, I do NOT want Bonnie to succeed.

Damon says he likes having Stefan on his team, but Stefan will have none of it. Stefan doesn’t think Elena will mess up their plan, and he thinks Damon’s “date” is a bad choice. Stefan… remember when you and Rebekah were a thing? Anyway, he says Elena’s better off without either of them, and he doesn’t want to give Elena a talking to. He also turns away from the blood. Damon takes Stefan’s rejection pretty well. The Salvatores in a nutshell: together, they are a force to be reckoned with, but usually when one wants to play, the other turns away.

Elena opens the door to Elijah, who asks her to accompany him. Elijah brings her into the woods and shows her around, the same way Stefan once did. His stories of wild horses and schools being built over native villages intrigue Elena. He shows her a pile of rocks covering a cavern in which he and his family used to hide from werewolves. When he starts to mention the balance of nature, Elena gets uncomfortable. He says that her heart beats faster when she lies, and he knew he lied about his mother. She tries to explain that she thought Esther could help kill Klaus. Elijah figures that his mother wants to undo the evil she created by killing all her children. And that’s the Originals for you: Elijah is not by any means pleased to discover this, but he is not particularly surprised. Daniel Gillies is so great as Elijah—mysterious, threatening, disappointed, but with some standards. He stomps a bunch rocks down and pulls Elena into the cavern. And leaves her there. Elena wanders into Rebekah, who says she’s just hanging around, not doing much—unless Elena tries to run. In which case, she gets to kill her. [Insert cute smile from Rebekah.]

But I am a lady, Sir!

Alaric and Damon are always golden. Elena doesn’t get reception, and Damon can’t reach her. He tells Alaric to tie her up or something because she’s developing a conscience. Alaric doesn’t want to judge her for that, and he says he won’t do that because he doesn’t want to and he doesn’t have time. Alaric also jabs him about having “Original sex,” and Damon is weirded out that Elena told her guardian/teacher this. Damon notices that Stefan didn’t drink the blood he left.

Alaric’s shady doctor girlfriend Meredith says that his knife wound was partially healed, so they can’t tell anything about the killer. His head seemed unaffected too, so she suggests that he was compelled to forget. Klaus and Kol show up, Klaus saying that they shouldn’t blame the new family in town. Kol leers at Meredith as though he just got out of prison, which he basically has. (Also, there’s a funny moment when Alaric tries to lower his voice when he mentions vampires. Like they’ve ever tried to be inconspicuous.)

Abby and Bonnie approach Esther and Finn, whom Abby calls the “creepy lurky guy.” Bonnie notes that he’s a vampire, so he could hear her comment. They share a nice moment when they imagine Grams’s strong opinions on their situation. Esther thanks them for helping her stabilize the spell and expresses gratitude for Ayana. They seem really glad to meet another witch who is on their side, but Esther comes across as pretty cold.

I do not sleep with commoners.

Stefan and Damon can’t find Elena, but when they return home, they find Elijah. He tells them that Rebekah will kill Elena if the Salvatores don’t kill the Bennetts by 9:06, when the full moon has given his mother power enough to kill them all. And of course, Elena trumps all. If a whole country were to be sacrificed, everyone would do it for Elena. Let’s see what will happen, shall we? Elijah is ruthless enough to know that the Salvatores will have a better chance at killing the Bennetts, because they won’t be suspected.

Damon suggests to a detoxing Stefan that they kill the Bennetts. Stefan doesn’t want to, so Damon notes plan B: dagger Elijah. It might put down all the siblings except for Klaus, but at least it will get rid of their Elijah problem. He hopes Alaric will help them out. Caroline is also playing her role, waltzing up to the drunk Originals and drawing Klaus away from a horny Kol. He tells her to get to know him and talk about her hopes and dreams. You know, as though he isn’t the guy who has been terrorizing her town. She says she’s too smart for him. He says that’s why he likes her. Don’t fall for that “I’m not being manipulated” crap, Caroline! Manipulative people can even manipulate the unmanipulatable!

Rebekah agrees that it is annoying that everyone wants to save Elena. She shows her crazier side when she says she might want to rip Elena’s head off more than live, and her vulnerable side when she mentions that this is not how she wants to spend the last few hours of her life. Finn chooses to spend the last few hours of his life doing dirty work and lighting torches for the spell. He and his mother share a moment, and she says that her “brave Finn” will sacrifice himself to kill the rest. First, they will be turned into humans. He says that being freed of an eternity of shame is a gift. Bonnie and Abby look skeptical, impressed, and awkward. The Originals are strange. Esther looks a little regretful.

I'm concerned about our mother's drug problem.

Kol hits on Meredith, saying he likes “pretty little things with sharp tongues.” I like that his language is just out of date. Alaric tells him to get lost. When he doesn’t back down, Alaric stabs him with the magical dagger. Rebekah and Finn drop. Klaus feels it. He saves Kol and Rebekah revives. Klaus says he should have killed Damon months ago. Damon says that he’s friends with Klaus’s mummy, and she’s going to kill him. Klaus is hurt, of course. Elijah saves Damon and says that, in spite of Damon’s protests, he will have to find the Bennetts before 9.

Elena runs, and even falls (every time…) but she manages to make it into the safe, anti-vampire haven of the cave before Rebekah wakes up and gets her. Instead, Rebekah douses Elena and the cave in gasoline and throws several matches into the mix. Elena tries psychological warfare, asking Rebekah about her mother’s necklace that she’s wearing, and noting that Rebekah will use up her revenge on Elena if she kills her right away.

Meredith says that she will take care of Alaric, who should leave Stefan and Damon to Elena saving. He says her nice apartment is messy, and she says he has a broken rib due to picking fights with guys 30 times his age. Elsewhere, Damon says that hypothetically they could let Elena die for the greater good. Of course this isn’t an option. He also points out that only one of them has to do it and be hated by Elena. This is not the Salvatores on their best behavior. They don’t want to kill someone because it’s wrong, because they’re destroying a life, but because they’ll be less popular with Elena? Damon flips a coin to see who it will be.

Sorry, Bonnie. You were going to lose, either way.

Elijah, Klaus, and Kol join their mother. Finn’s instinct is to protect her, but obviously she doesn’t need it. She sends the Bennetts away. This scene masterfully shows the characters’ relationships and differing mentalities. Elijah is right when he says that a mother killing her children is an atrocity. Kol is fixated on Finn being their parents’ favorite. Finn and Kol seem to be opposites; one enjoys vampire life, the other despises it. Esther says Finn knows virtue Kol can’t imagine. Klaus is just bored, ready to send his mother back to hell. Esther gives a speech, with tears in her eyes, about how she has had to experience the pain of every innocent victim, from Klaus, Kol, and even Elijah. She says that they are a curse on this earth, stretched out over generations.

Stefan meets Bonnie. Can’t Bonnie incapacitate Stefan? I guess not if she’s being channeled. She says that whatever he does, Esther will channel all their witch ancestors. Stefan says, not if one of them isn’t a witch. Damon feeds Abby his blood and breaks her neck! Loophole! I honestly didn’t thought of this one. Esther cries, asking the sisters to not to abandon her. They do, and Finn whisks Esther away. Elijah and his brothers look more puzzled than relieved.

Rebekah says Elena is free to go. She tells her that Abby is a vampire and Rebekah will enjoy watching Elena suffer. Elena wants to comfort Bonnie, who is sitting at the feet of her mother, now to become what Bonnie has hated. Caroline tells Elena that Bonnie can’t see her right now. Bonnie loves Elena, and is glad she is safe, but Bonnie is on the Rebekah and me train by noting that Elena is not the only person on the planet, and people often have to suffer to save her. Nina Dobrev does a wonderful job of conveying the fact that Elena’s understanding of this makes her feel worse, not better.

Getting regretful.

Damon apparently lost the coin toss, but, being a hero, he turned Abby. Damon said he’d seen the old Stefan shining through, and Elena chose Stefan even on Damon’s better days. Stefan hadn’t had human blood since his horrible moment on Wickery Bridge. Damon says that Stefan has enough to feel guilty about, and Elena is better off without Damon. Alone, Elena finds a note on her bed, not from a Salvatore, but from Elijah, the politest kidnapper ever. He apologizes for what he did, tells her to hold on to her compassion, and explains that he did this for his family.

Elijah and Rebekah have a subdued reunion. Rebekah asks, where the hell is everyone? Though alive, the Original family is broken. Elijah says they don’t have a mother, only Esther, who was right about them being immoral. Rebekah says they deserve to live because they are better than them, but Elijah doesn’t necessarily think so; he says that their mother made them vampires, not monsters. To be fair, it’s very hard not to be a monstrous vampire. I love these philosophical, elitist siblings.

Klaus burns his sketches of Caroline. Kol, Finn, and Esther have left. Elijah is leaving. Rebekah points out that Klaus never abandoned her. (Instead he staked her. Doesn’t really seem like a good deal.) She shows him the cave drawings they’d never seen. Apparently, a new tree grew where the magical white oak tree died. The Originals are still vulnerable. In Meredith’s darkened apartment, Alaric wakes up to find his weapons and medical records of the serial killer’s victims. Meredith says that he wasn’t supposed to see that before shooting him. First of all, that’s what happens when you leave this stuff lying around. Second of all, is this supposed to be surprising? There must be more to the story. Third of all, are the Originals going to be gone for a while? Say it ain’t so.

The Vampire Diaries: Dangerous Liasons (Season 3, Episode 14)

Katherine was lying when she said Stefan was the better dancer.

Matt and Elena leave Alaric at the hospital. Someone is watching them. They get into their dark cars to drive away, separately. Elena backs up into something, but when she gets out, nothing is there. That’s the oldest trick in the vampire book! A vengeful Rebekah declares her anger at being stabbed, before trying to bite Elena’s neck. Elijah shows up and saves the day. Her brother asks if this is a challenge. She calls both of them pathetic.

Elijah catches Elena up, and she relays the information to Stefan and Damon. The Salvatores are understandably concerned. Damon asks if anyone is feeling used right now, and says that he thought Esther’s “hybrid freakshow of a son” ripped out her heart a thousand years ago. Elena attributes Esther’s survival to her connection to witches on the other side. Then, because the Originals rule, Elena receives an invitation to their ball. This invite is signed with a personal note: Esther hopes she and Elena finally meet.

The Originals are fabulous and fine. The sexy family gets ready for their ball, as though their brother hasn’t made them comatose for years, in some cases centuries. Kol is apparently vain (and slightly incestuous with Beks? I’m sorry, I’m not making this stuff up) and doesn’t get along well with Klaus. Poor Klaus appears to be a petulant child next to the rest of his family. He whines that Rebekah already tried to ruin his life by killing the doppelganger, and his mother has to point out that he’s STABBED his siblings and messed up a good chunk of their lives. She has been sentient in the afterlife for a thousand years, which is supossedly why she has worked through her anger and reached forgiveness. He is touched by this, but Klaus’s vulnerability will probably only lead to disappointment and tragedy. His mom even asks who he’s taking to the prom.

These lips were made to say "ravishing."

Elena wants to go. Damon disagrees due to it being dangerous, but Stefan agrees due to him “not caring.” Damon wants to go back to the Stefan who cared about Elena, so Stefan volunteers to go. Damon heroically volunteers himself, countering, “You’ve pissed off enough originals to last a lifetime.” Elsewhere, Caroline gets a heartrending message from Tyler, stating that he loves her, he offers his condolences about her father, and he is trying to fix himself. She then receives a beautiful dress and an invitation to the ball from Klaus. She just wonders WTF? I would be a lot more terrified.

Elena and Caroline get a bit of the high school drama they’ve been missing lately. Elena wants to go to the ball with Caroline, but she thinks Stefan would look better in a tux. (Does she know how nuts he’s been lately?) She also admits that Bonnie spilled the beans about Elena and Damon, but she’s more hurt that she missed out on the gossip than that Elena kissed Damon. Then Rebekah asks Matt out right in front of them. Caroline asks when the stupid dance is.

At the ball, the mayor tells Damon she plans to keep the peace with the Originals. Kol introduces himself, trying to be suave, but Damon seems to recognize him. Kol rudely says Damon isn’t very memorable. Then he is star struck as Elena steps through the door, accompanied by corny but effective music. Stefan arrives to ask her to dance. Damon’s annoyed to see both of them. She doesn’t care. Stefan offers an arm, as does Damon, and the three of them walk together. MOMENTUS MOMENT ALERT.

Dibs.

Caroline looks through her dresses, and because she doesn’t like any of her 50 options, she decides to go with Klaus’s gift. Good idea. And by that I mean bad idea; this guy who gave you that will take it as a message. And he is insane. She walks in looking gorgeous. Klaus greets her, but she blushes, probably uncomfortable, and walks away.

Finn, who is more my type than Kol, and remarkably polite for a dude who lived 900 years ago, tells Elena that she has to be alone to meet his mother. Elijah is then joined by his family on the staircase, and I almost can’t continue from the awesomeness surplus. How could anyone in Mystic Falls deny them? Or not guess that they are vampires? Elijah says they will commence with a dance. Esther heads upstairs. Damon stops Elena from following Esther into a “lion’s den.” He then asks her to dance. Stefan watches. This is reminiscent of the nightmare Katherine once planted in his head.

This episode is laying the cheese on thick: cue dance scene. Damon says Elena looks stunning, “if it isn’t obvious.” She seems genuinely grateful for the compliment. Damon knows how to lighten the mood. Klaus stares at Caroline as she uneasily dances with him. She stares at Matt and Bekah as Klaus tries to make conversation. He points out that she wore both his bracelet and his dress. When she says she was Miss Mystic Falls, he just says, “I know.” Watch out for this one. He is terrifying, but he’s had 1,000 years to practice seduction!

I don't love you Elena. Not at all. Don't care. Nope.

Caroline moves on to Matt and asks why he danced with Beks, and Matt asks about the worthiness of her dancing partner. Elena dances into the arms of Stefan. She comments on his dancing, and you can see in their faces the awkward strain of exes who remember how things used to be. Stefan makes a quip about Damon, before saying that Elena can take care of herself. She says she has to talk to him alone. Damon, meanwhile, is dancing with Rebekah, who is staring at Matt and Caroline, her nemesis. He says she’s no dog but that she doesn’t get compliments since she tried to kill Elena. Caveman, she retorts.

Outside, Elena says that she needs to get to Esther. Stefan says she can, if she feels she is up to it. Elena says that at least his respect for her decisions hasn’t changed. Stefan’s façade that he wants to kill Klaus more than anything is still there, but barely. Damon finds Elena before she goes to Esther, but Stefan BREAKS HIS BACK (NECK?). Hopefully they won’t need Damon immediately. Shaken, Elena nervously walks towards Esther’s room.

Elijah, lovely in a tux, says he finds his mother’s forgiveness difficult to believe. He asks that Elena tell him what Esther says. The Originals have family troubles. Finn and Esther are preparing something when Elena enters. Finn leaves. Esther says that Ayana, Bonnie’s ancestor (so this show is saying all black people are related? Sigh), preserved her body. But she was punished for turning her family into vampires by spending 1,000 years on the other side. Esther wants to undo what she did, with Elena’s help.

I cut the other sleeve off with a newfangled contraption called scissors.

Bekah asks Kol to help her kill Matt to make Elena suffer and take some of the blame off her. Unlike Finn, Kol isn’t a Momma’s boy. He wants to spit in the face of her rules. Is he more spoiled than Klaus? Kol is itching to kill someone. He wants to make a spectacle of it, but Rebekah says he sounds like an idiot.

Caroline spends time with one of the horses (?). Klaus joins her and tries more manipulative tactics, favorably comparing the loyalty of horses to humans’. He says that his father beheaded his horse, and his relationship with him was much more complicated than Caroline’s with her father. And that is saying something. Caroline says that she let her father go with no regrets and she likes humans and they like her. BAM.

Esther says that her children are abominations and monsters, and it is her duty to kill them. She can only kill them with magic and Elena’s blood. She can link them by making them drink a few drops. She tells her not to tell Elijah, especially. Elena is a tad flabbergasted. If this were reality, Esther would be absolutely right. Since it’s not, I don’t want her to kill her beautiful children. Elena decides to lie to Elijah about his mother’s intentions. Esther toasts to her family and they all drink the bloody champagne. No, Elijah, please don’t die!

Can't his rich friends fork out some money for this guy?

Rebekah leads Matt outside, who goes to his truck to get a jacket, which he puts around her shoulders—even though she’s a vampire and doesn’t need it. Killer that she is, inside she’s a softy. Matt’s gentlemanly ways prompt her to lead him back inside, away from Kol. Inside, Kol confronts Rebekah, realizing that she likes Matt because he gave her “five seconds of his attention.” Poor Bekah, almost as needy as her brother.

Klaus shows Caroline some art. She recognizes a piece from the Louvre. Others are his drawings. He says he’ll take her to all sorts of museums and cities. In these moments he’s almost human, but Caroline jabs him about Tyler and his hybrids. He says in spite of his fun evening, she has to leave. She says he tries to buy people off, or compel them, or sire them, to make up for his father not loving him. Caroline goes home and leaves a message for Tyler, saying she misses him. She also finds a drawing of herself and horse on her bed. On the drawing, Klaus thanks her for her honesty.

Damon awakens and is furious at Stefan, who tells him that his emotions are getting in the way. Damon’s reaction, “My emotions? How is this even happening right now?” This is a real soap opera. Damon tries to get Elena to leave, and they exchange words about Stefan and how she doesn’t like cutting Damon out of the picture. He says he wants to protect her because he loves her, and Elena says maybe that’s the problem. Damon observes the irony that he cares too much. Will this send him back over the edge?

Merry Christmas!

Kol lures Matt out onto the balcony and turns a handshake into a death grip. Damon comes to his rescue, declaring that Matt needs his hands because he’s a quarterback. He pushes Kol off the balcony, jumps down, and begins pummeling him. Why isn’t Kol stronger? Maybe he just didn’t have time to react. Seemingly the whole party comes outside. Stefan, ironically, asks if Damon is crazy. He says “maybe a little.”

Interestingly, Esther blames Kol and Rebekah for the violence. She knows what’s going on. She shares an affectionate moment with Elijah who promises it won’t happen again. Esther says she wishes the others were more like him. After Elijah leaves, Finn joins her, apparently in on the spell.  His old school mentality comes through when he says he will be ready to die when the time comes. She sheds his blood and somehow bonds the siblings so they “are one.”

Elena shares her regrets about signing Elijah’s and the others’ death sentences. While Stefan jokingly calls the murderous Esther the mother of the year, he says that the rest are collateral damage. She admits that she said something she didn’t mean to Damon. Stefan says he also said something he didn’t mean. Elena tries to get Stefan to open up again, to feel everything and stop pretending not to care. He comes close, but he admits that when he starts to feel, all he knows is pain.

Rebekah tries to hit up Matt, who is getting drunk at the bar because his broken hand isn’t covered by health insurance. Such a Matt story. He says that she’s pretty and fun, but she needs to stay away. A wasted Damon says adolescence stings—she was dumped by the football captain—and that she needs someone more durable. The two hot messes then get it on like crazy.

What showoff came to the party in a horse and carriage?

The Vampire Diaries: Bringing Out the Dead (Season 3, Episode 13)

I hate you, but I love you.

Elijah is none too happy to wake from death and find his family members comatose. He attacks Klaus, and Klaus puts him in his place before saying that he will reveal secrets about their mother’s death. He says Elijah must stand by him, so he can unite his family—after he retrieves the final coffin and destroys Stefan.  Klaus and Elijah also make a reference to Kol (dead one century) and Finn (dead nine centuries, interesting); apparently Elijah thinks Kol would be less forgiving than he.

Elena teases Alaric about his hangover, as if this is uncommon. He admits to drunk dialing Meredith his crush at two in the morning. Elena just smiles and shakes her head at her alcoholic history professor/guardian. She steps out to meet Sheriff Forbes. Sheriff says that they are about to have an unconventional conversation (more unconventional than hunting supernatural creatures?), and she decides to say this outside in broad daylight. The murder weapon found in the medical examiner belonged to Elena’s parents and has only Elena’s fingerprints.

Damon finds it funny that Elena is a prime suspect. He is convinced it’s Meredith, which Alaric and Elena refuse to believe. Elena’s confidence comes from the fact that Alaric has to luck out at least once when it comes to romance. Alaric thinks it’s Klaus. Elena suggests Stefan. I love how they come to realize how long the list of suspects is. Damon says it almost makes him miss bunny snacking Stefan, but he has to go have tea with a friend. This means suggestive innuendo between Elijah and Damon. Damon calls Elijah his favorite Original and says he cleans up nice. He also signed his letter to Elijah XOXO. They begin to discuss Klaus’s destruction and the magical coffin.

Now I have to make up for months of not choking people.

Stefan leads the Bennetts into the cave that blocks entrance from vampires. He stops at the mouth and is rather rude to Abby (understandably considering their past, but these folks forgive anything). He insists she digs deep for magic so she and Bonnie can open the coffin. Stefan also says something about making choices and taking the consequences, because they chose to follow Stefan there, but obviously he is referring to his own issues. Elena is there when Stefan leaves, and she asks if he killed the medical examiner. Stefan is ridiculously insulted, asking if Elena asked Damon the same question. Sorry, dude, you have been sucking girls dry in the not so distant past, and even more recently you threatened to kill your ex-girlfriend.

Caroline tries to pick up her father from the hospital, but he isn’t there. Meredith says he was furious that she used vampire blood to heal him. Caroline is remarkably forgiving, and Meredith points out it must be hard to have a father to hate you for what you can’t change about yourself. But Meredith says she doesn’t expose vampires. (Vampire council once again = FAIL.) Also, Meredith suspiciously got no sleep last night. Elena is also there to check out Meredith. Caroline calls her dad, but her vampire ears hear his phone ringing. She opens and door and walks into a darkened room to find him slumped on the floor, stabbed in the stomach. Caroline pulls the knife out of her father, crying, “Don’t be dead.” As soon as Elena points out that he has vampire blood in his system, Bill snaps to life—a vampire. Such irony.

Damon and Stefan scenes are always good. Damon instructs Stefan to get dressed because they are going on a double date with Elijah and Klaus. Too bad Stefan gets dressed, but he doesn’t trust Elijah who betrayed them last time. Damon says Stefan’s as trustworthy as Elijah, Stefan throws that at Damon since he kissed Elena, and Damon says that he wouldn’t have kissed Elena if it weren’t for Klaus’s shenanigans.

Sometimes it seems that incest is as much a taboo to a vampire as murder.

Caroline and Elena are horrified to learn that Bill is prepared to die rather than turn into a vampire. Duh. He hates vampires. He also says he didn’t see who killed him. At the Gilbert home, Alaric compiles his massive vampire killing collection from around the far corners of the earth. He comes to the conclusion that Meredith must be guilty, since she was around both of the offending weapons at one point. Elena pats Alaric on the arm in a commiserating “I know what it’s like to love psychos” gesture before heading out to comfort Caroline. But this seems too simple. Someone is trying to frame the Gilberts or their cohorts.

Elijah and Klaus greet Stefan and Damon. (Too many sexy male vampires in the room at once, accompanied by several women/slaves (Damon approves).) Stefan says he doesn’t want to be there. Klaus says he will rip out their insides if they don’t dine with him. And one of the most homoerotic scenes in Vampire Diaries history continues. Tension between exes Stefan and Klaus escalate when Stefan mentions Rebekah and says he doesn’t want to kiss Klaus’s ass. Klaus says he’s confessed killing his mother to Elijah already. Damon says they were supposed to leave grumpy Stefan and home, and Stefan shouldn’t pass judgment on Klaus since he committed patricide. Damon tells him to pace himself. He also says he woke Elijah because “the more, the merrier” as he winks at him. Not to mention Klaus says, “Isn’t it nice, the four of us dining together? Such a treat.”

Elena comforts Caroline outside her house and throws around the word choice. It’s Caroline’s father’s choice to die. She wonders if Tyler stabbed him. Like I said, the list of Mystic Falls murder suspects is endless. Caroline struggles with hating her father, who is currently with her mother, and wanting to save him. She and Elena talk about dead fathers and how hard it is when you know they won’t be there for certain things. As Caroline cries, Matt shows up to support her. (Side note: the two are as surprised to see him as they are a ghost.)

Have you been working out? I have missed a lot.

Elijah asks Stefan about that babe Elena, and Stefan replies that he should ask Damon. Klaus guffaws at this and notes that Elijah missed so much. Stefan says that if Klaus mentions Elena again this dinner is over. Klaus smiles and puts his finger over his mouth. Oh you two. Klaus and Elijah tell the same story with Tatia, the original doppelganger. Every boy wanted her, but Klaus and Elijah loved her the most. They fought. Their mother used Tatia’s blood in the spell that made them vampires. And they reconciled, choosing family over all. Damon gives Stefan a look.

Bonnie updates her mother and they look at a grimoire. It shows a binding spell that requires two generations; they wonder if they work together, can they unbind the coffin? Abby says the witches won’t give her powers back. They’ve been trying to no avail. Bonnie (deservedly) sticks the knife in her mother and says she pretended she was dead since she knew nothing about her and no one talked about her. She said the one way Abby can prove how sorry she is is by opening herself up to the spirits. This pep talk works and they crack open the coffin. Bonnie goes to call Damon. Meanwhile, the coffin lid flies open. Ah!

Damon gets a text from Bonnie. He announces the deal as this: they return the coffin, the originals leave. Elijah says that’s fair, but Klaus points out he’s never going to leave Elena, his doppelganger blood. He also says that Damon and Stefan are the worst things in Elena’s life. They think they can protect her, but she will end up dead or a vampire. Damon goes to “get some air,” Elijah follows him, and Klaus offers Stefan a “drink,” aka a girl. Klaus bites into her as Stefan watches.

This hurts me as much as it hurts you!

Matt walks Elena home. Even he points out that this town is messed up; none of them should have to live this way. Inside, the power is out. They grab flashlights and see a puddle of blood, as well as bloody foot and handprints. Scary! They follow the trail to a stabbed Alaric. No! Alaric says Elena, the doppelganger, has to kill him, so he’ll die a supernatural death and be saved by his ring. But 1) Matt points out this is messed up and 2) Alaric’s ring is running out of steam. Elena stabs him anyway. Yikes. This poor girl. Matt holds Elena, who remains sitting over Alaric’s still dead body. Note: the themes of this episode are choices and family. Matt is alarmed to see Alaric cough back to life. (Thank goodness.) The sheriff tells Elena that Meredith was in surgery for the past six hours, so she has an alibi.

Klaus drinks the “delicious” girl and says that Stefan’s done well at messing up his relationship with Damon, no help needed from him. When Damon and Elijah return, Klaus offers to protect Elena and have her marry someone like Matt. Stefan shakes Klaus’s hand but then says “nice try,” so Klaus breaks Stefan’s arm and leg and shoves his hand into the fireplace. Elijah prevents Damon from helping him. To save his brother, and because luckily Bonnie has made progress, he agrees to grab the coffin. Elijah joins him.

This plot line is too depressing for me to delve into: Bill compliments Caroline and tells her how much he loves her, but he sticks to his beliefs that humans aren’t supposed to cheat death. Parents aren’t supposed to outlive their children. She pleads with him, saying that he’s so strong, he could survive vampire-hood, that he can’t leave her. He says it’s his choice—key word, obviously. He also says that she is wonderful, beautiful, and good, but this is life. He slowly dies, and Caroline and her mother cry over his body.

Klaus, why do you do this and then expect me to be your friend?

Stefan tells Klaus to kill him since he’ll just kill him after Damon and Elijah return. Klaus says that Stefan really has given up. He pushes him and asks where’s the fight in him, where’s the ripper. Even now Klaus can’t give him up. Kind of romantic in a completely messed up way. Unfortunately, they are interrupted. Fortunately, it is by Elijah, Damon, two stakes, and ORIGINAL OVERLOAD, YES: Rebekah, Kol, and Finn begin to attack Klaus. Elijah says he’s learned not to trust Klaus’s lies. He tells Stefan and Damon to move it because this is family business.

Stefan and Damon share a sweet moment when Stefan basically thanks Damon for saving him and Damon says that he owes Stefan for all the times he saved him. Elena calls and Damon actually ignores it for the time being. The two of them admit to loving her. Stefan and Damon go to the cave and find Bonnie and her mother unconscious and the coffin empty.

The Original siblings turn their backs on Klaus. They say that they will forever leave him alone, murder the doppelganger, and kill him with what is in the fourth coffin. They also compare him to their father, which enrages him. Poor Klaus is a mess. He is such a psycho, and he is so distraught. Then the contents of the fourth coffin arrive: their mother. Klaus assumes she is here to kill him, but she says that he is her son, so she is there to forgive him. She wants them to be a family. How awesome is this? First it’s amazing (if sad) that the whole family ganged up against Klaus. Now the band might get back together, and the rest of Mystic Falls and even THE WORLD are in big trouble.